I was 13
I was sitting in my bedroom overlooking the street. It was getting dark, but I was bored and listless and couldn't be arsed to get up to turn on the light.

As I sat there in the growing dusk I noticed the upstairs light of no.37 over the road come on. Mrs Jones, my friend Bob's mum, walked into her bedroom carrying a bundle of clothes.

She put the clothes down on the bed and started to put them away. When she was done she closed the bedroom door and sat on the bed to remove her shoes.

I started to watch with more interest as she stood to pull down her tights. I couldn't believe it, this was a real women, with real bits and everything, and she was getting undressed practically in front of me!

I hunkered forward, a weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. She unhook the side of her skirt and slid it down before picking it up and folding it. I could see her underwear! A genuine piece of female lingerie! Fair enough, they were white and at this distance I couldn't exactly make out the details, but so what. All that stood between my eyes and her bottom was a thin piece of cotton material.

I could feel little althegeordie making his presence felt.

She started to undo her shirt. Every button that came loose made the now obvious tent in my trousers twitch like a it was caught in a gale.

Finally, the shirt was taken off and hung up. Her bra was black. She was wearing a black bra! I had never felt this excited in my life, my hands crept towards my flies.

I was about to see a real woman naked, and I was damn well going to have a wank over it. I suddenly realised that I was going to cum whilst I could actually see a naked women, that was practically having sex, it was a least seven eighths of the way to losing my virginity. I was going to be a king at school.

All thought of loyalty to Bob and the fact that I was wanking over his mum went straight out of the window. None of my friends would ever have a story this good to tell. I would be a sex hero.

As my trembling hand waggled up and down she reached round and unhooked her bra. This was it, this was the moment I had dreamed of ever since I first figured out how much fun playing with myself could be.

They were her actual breasts, with nipples and everything. And then it got even better, she slowly slid those little cotton pants down her thighs and onto the floor. I could see a dark triangle of hair between those pale thighs.

I couldn't hold on any more, I fired a huge stream of hot jizz all over the radiator. It was like a fire hose going off. Nobobdy has ever produced as much spunk to this day.

I practically fell off my chair. My head was spinning, my knees were weak and my hand was damp and sticky.

I grabbed the bog roll from under my bed (I was no strange to self love by this time) and cleaned up my radiator.

I got up and opened the bedroom door and wandered downstairs. My mother was just putting my dinner on the table. Beans on toast. I loved beans on toast. This evening could not get any better.

I sat down and tucked in.

WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THESE BEANS!

I should explain that my mother was something of an earth mothery type. She didn't like the big brands. So instead of Heinz, she bought some other crap that eschewed the use of sugar, and instead chose to sweeten the beans with apple juice.

Apple Juice.

WTF.

I hated those beans. They ruined a really good evening.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 16:53, 23 replies)

Hahahaha.
Brilliant.
*clicks*
( TY&GN, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 16:54, closed)

Hahahaha, this has to win
*clicks with all his might*
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 16:54, closed)

*clicks until her finger is rendered useless for all other finger-related activities
^
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 16:57, closed)

Fantastic!
Best so far.

*clickus maximus*
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 16:58, closed)

BEANS
Is there nothing they can't ruin? Utter bastards, the lot of them.

*clicks*

S'funny though, I always thought your Mum's bean tasted vinegary, not like apple juice.

EDIT This is definitely your best post on b3ta so far!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 17:06, closed)

@Bert
Well, I think it depends what time of the month it is.

Has eminem given you your username back yet?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 17:11, closed)

I haven't seen or spoken to her since yesterday
I've been too damned busy at work.

I'm not too fussed though, Sexmonkey sounds better.

EDIT Please edit in the phrase 'I came on the radiator like Terry Waite after 5 years of built-up frustration'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 17:12, closed)

If this doesn't win, something's wrong.
*BIG FUCKING CLICK*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 17:19, closed)

hahahaha!
What an utter utter perv :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 17:42, closed)

WINNER!
*does a small puddle of sticky cream in pants*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 17:58, closed)

*giggles*
I might have beans on toast for dinner tonight in you honour.
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 18:01, closed)

Pfffft!
Brilliant! *clack*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 18:34, closed)

This is getting repetitive, but ....
excellent

*clicks*

*takes metal note to always, always close the curtains in the bedroom before disrobing*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 19:25, closed)

Hahahah this is the best one I've read :D
*clicks*
( ClanSoul, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 19:26, closed)

Damn those beans!
Cheap mum porno is always the best type.

And I still have his name. He's been trying to think of a way to win this but he is failing oh so much.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 20:33, closed)

Al
*clicks* not just for the story, but also for its beautiful composition.
( thealternativefact, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 20:42, closed)

ace! *clicks*
(Even if your Facebook status message ruined my evening's TV...)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 21:28, closed)

Beaufully written
with just the right tone veering between poignancy and self flagellation.

*clicks*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 22:05, closed)

hahahahha!
read it again while drunk.

funnier!

clickclickclickyclickyclick etc ad nauseam.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 23:35, closed)

* Makes mental note to read this when drunk *
* but clicks anyway *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 1:09, closed)

oim pished!
On reading this for the second time, having just pointed it out to my Best Beloved DG, I did a little bit of wee in my pants this time..

*makes mental note to brush up on pelvic foor exercises before August bash*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 2:34, closed)

Classic
Just... classic.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 28 Jun 2008, 15:08, closed)

*click*
I like beans and wanking. This story has both.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 12:42, closed)