combining
last week's animal sagas and this week's pranks into a hideous experience which, quite literally, saw me being the butt of it.

my friends wanted a puppy. a specific puppy that they had found online. problem was, he was a welsh puppy, from the darkest part of rural wales. they live in london and neither of them drive.

so for much bribery (well, a free dinner), i agreed to drive them all the way there and back. if you take the middle of nowhere and go 5 miles east, 3 miles south, 2 miles north and turn around five times before walking west for a bit, that's where this damn place was. no phone reception. no road names. no names on the farms. no telephone boxes. nightmare.

plus my car is only a 2 seater so we'd had to hire one. they had thoughtfully upgraded us and given us a brand new one, so i was utterly terrified about scratching it. not good when you're slithering around dirt tracks, ditches, fields etc.

eventually we found it, and they must have had 40 dogs, including 20 puppies of all breeds, all happy and running around enormous fields and it was lovely. and lo the infant puppy was produced, and verily he was divine.

until we got halfway back down the m4. we stopped at a roadchef, and my friends went inside for a mcpiss and a burger. i didn't want anything, so volunteered to stay in the car and snuggle with the puppy.

biggest mistake of my life (bar the bedshitter, but this has a verrrrry similar theme).

it was all cute and grunty and snuffly. then it wriggled up my chest. when it was level with my ear, it suddenly stiffened, lifted its tail, farted audibly (serves me right for asking last week) and sprayed liquid stinking brown shit all over me.

i did not know what to do. i was holding this tiny wriggling barking puppy, which was still spewing shit from its arse, and trying to make sure the shit didn't go all over the brand new hire car, and the putrid stench was indescribable. i wrapped the puppy in its blanket, which it promptly shat in, and called my friends.

both mobiles rang out cheerily from the back seat. i had to sit, dripping in shit and retching uncontrollably, for another 137 years until they came out munching happily on their damn burgers.

then i had to have my tits sponged down by my friend whilst her husband cleaned the puppy. the worst thing was the couple in the car next to us, who sat there staring at the drama and solidly munching away at their sandwiches without being peturbed or amused or horrified in the least.

once i was a bit cleaner they went in to buy me a new t-shirt. we must have picked the only service station in the world not to have a lame shop selling them. i had to drive the whole way back to london in a bra and jeans, coated in chanel (didn't help. made it worse, in fact, in manner of pot pourri spray in the bathroom) and shit. well, the shit was by this time rolled up in the boot, but it still felt like it was all over my top.

i don't care what they call him, his name is scatdog.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 9:48, 20 replies)

...
That brightened my morning.

What is it with you and poo?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 10:24, closed)

*clicks*
rachelswipe + cute puppy + incontinence = classic story

Only you of all people can get yourself into these scrapes! How the hell do you manage it?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 17 Dec 2007, 10:35, closed)

Haha, I'm not sure why but "another 137 years" really made me giggle there =)

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 10:38, closed)

Did you film it?
I think the domain 1girl1pup.com is still available...
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 10:47, closed)

Scatdog for teh win :)
We had a trip upto Scotland in a hired car and managed to pick up a small birdie in a services. We drove a good few miles north before we noticed it was in the bloody car, and dropped him off at the next services. Poor bastard, was miles away from home.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 10:50, closed)

Whenever I see a Rachelswipe post ...
... it somehow makes me feel a little better inside. No matter how shit my day has been, I just KNOW yours has been worse.

Schadenfreude, gotta love it.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 11:14, closed)

Just an idea....
I think your scatalogically tainted, karmically speaking. You need to adjust your karma quota by volunteering to wipe oap's bums in a nursing home for a few days. This should re-address your karmic balance and poo should never be a problem again.
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 11:19, closed)

Excellent story to warm up a cold frosty morning!
All the essential elements - poo, acerbic wit, cute puppy, large breasts being sponged down...

What's not to like?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 11:31, closed)

I don't understand why you'd buy an animal you'd never met in person (as it were).

( Bob Todd whee, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 12:15, closed)

*clicks*
"i was holding this tiny wriggling barking puppy, which was still spewing shit from its arse"

made me laugh out loud. Literally.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 12:37, closed)

I swear
Your like some sort of magnet for poo.

"Then i had to have my tits sponged down by my friend"

Pardon me... of to the bathroom...
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 12:40, closed)

Sponge not Spong
Think I've been reading b3ta too long, when I first read this, I thought your friend had SPONGed your breasts, it took at least two re-reads to realise that a sponge was involved and not funny eyes.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 13:48, closed)

My dearest Rachel
I salute you.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 14:26, closed)

And I thought I was unlucky
You're a veritable shit magnet.
(frankspencer, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 15:57, closed)

Where's the prank?

( Cap'n Tallbeard, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 17:50, closed)

You poor thing!
Although I must say I laughed uncontrollably in the middle of a hospice with people dying all around me when I'm supposed to be charting. You blew my cover, R!

I have at various times done parts of these: gotten shit directions from locals (yesterday I simply couldn't find a patient's house and had to give up) and sat for long distances covered in body fluids (blood in my case) but never have I been covered in shit for more than a few minutes. Yeck.


At least he didn't trash your car, R. What kind of puppy was he and how are they possibly going to pay you back???
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 18 Dec 2007, 13:40, closed)

Did the car have a ScatNav?






/coat
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Tue 18 Dec 2007, 21:07, closed)

Ok, yes
it's a funny story, and yes we all love Ms Swipe, but how is this even remotely on topic?
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 17:07, closed)

It's Wednesday
Therefore the topic does not have to be adhered to any longer.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 17:40, closed)

^^^^Where is this written?
Anyway, my point was that if anyone other than RS had posted this she'd have been flamed to within an inch of her life. Jus' sayin'.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 20:28, closed)