Fucking a fat chick
Like lumpy gravy.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 21:05, 3 replies)

My house has a saltwater swimming pool.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 20:30, 2 replies)

Sophie Rayworth
reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
(rogerzilla, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 18:53, 2 replies)

The girl I'm seeing at the moment
Told me that she once got told off during a threesome because she wandered off for a glass of wine and forgot to come back.

I think she might be a keeper.
(Eukanuba, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 18:41, 4 replies)

I'll be Ted if you want me to
Living in the dorms in college days, I had a roommate named Ted. Ted got an off-campus apartment, and moved out.

One day, about two weeks later, I took out a hunting knife, fiddled with it, and left it in the middle of Ted's empty bed. I went out in the evening and upon returning fell immediately into a deep sleep. Unaccountably, I had failed to lock the door to my room.

About twenty minutes later, the door opened. Fluorescent light from the hallway spilled in. Confused, I said, "Is that you, Ted?" The entering stranger said, "What?" Squinting, I could see he had curly hair much like one of Ted's friends. So, I said, "Ted's not here anymore. He moved out."

The stranger replied:

"I'll be Ted if you want me to."

I sat up and struggled to awaken. The stranger closed the door and sat beside me. I could smell alcohol. He grabbed the covers on my lap and swooped them down to my ankles. I reached down and pulled the covers back. Again, the stranger grabbed the covers and swooped them down, and again I reached down and pulled them back. I asked him, "OK, what do you want?" He said, "What if I told you I was a flaming faggot looking to get fucked?" I said, "Then I'd say you are in the wrong place."

What to do? I was worried about the hunting knife left out on Ted's bed. Did the stranger see the knife? In the darkness, apparently not. Could I get to the knife first? Very risky. I would have to jump over the stranger from a sitting position. There was no reason he couldn't get to the knife first. Violence wasn't the answer. The fellow was clearly living out a fantasy of some sort. I had to pop his fantasy bubble, and fast. But how?

So, I began talking to the fellow in a dull monotone about all manner of tedious things. Mostly about computer programming. After a while, I noticed the stranger's shoulders slump in fatigue, his stubbly jaw slacken, the tension slowly disappear. Suddenly, he stood up and left.

Too bad. I was just getting to formatting.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 18:34, 2 replies)

Roses are red
Lace is erotic
I'm wearing all your underwear
And I'm borderline psychotic.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 17:01, 12 replies)

Yer, well ... I suppose there was that timewhen I was 16 ...
I was listening to some metal at top volume on my new, kick-ass stereo, and playing some MEAN air guitar. The crowd were absolutely loving it, guys were crowd-surfing, the moshpit was heaving, and I'm pretty sure a couple of the girls at the front were about to take their tops off.

I got to the bridge, and hit the right chord with venom, spinning 'round to see my step-father trying desperately to shout over it at me to turn the volume down.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 16:56, 2 replies)

Baby D took me higher.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 16:48, 8 replies)

Brief rock star fantasy
One day when I was about 6 or 7 in the school playground I decided I wanted to slide on my knees to a standstill like a rock star sliding to the front of the stage, imagining all the fans screaming my name as I threw my arms up in triumph. Sadly, due to a combination of soft grey cotton trousers and a hard concrete surface, this resulted in giant rips across my knees and bloodied kneecaps.
The stupid thing is, there wasn't anyone around to see me - I'd waited 'til I was alone to try it. Not only does this show a shyness not becoming of the rock star lifestyle, but I also had to explain to friends, teachers and family how this normally quiet boy got two large rips on his trousers and wounds on his knees.
Still, there's nothing quite like picking away at scabby kneecaps.
( The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 16:08, 1 reply)

The logistics seem daunting.
I really don't see how anyone manages to have a threesome. I had trouble enough getting one woman to have sex with me, let alone two at the same time. Both of which have to be okay with group bisexuality. And who have to actually be attracted to each other, as well.

Let me put this mathematically:
Sx = odds of being willing to have sex with me (expressed as a fraction)
Bi = odds of being willing to have sex with another woman
3s = odds of being willing to have sex with two partners at once
Mm = odds of finding other partner attractive

Chance of a threesome? = (Sx*Bi*3s*Mm)^2
(MrCanoehead Marzipaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 15:12, 15 replies)

Roses are nice
Violets are glorious
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius
( Zuowan, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 15:10, Reply)

My valentines poem what I put in her card:
I think you're cute, and let's be blunt,
You are, so who can blame us.
I want to fuck you in your cunt,
Then fuck you up the anus.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 14:41, 7 replies)

Roses are cheap
So are Milk Tray
But if you spend a tenner in Hotel Chocolat
I might let you cum in my arse.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 14:26, Reply)

roses are red
that's right you yorkie cunts
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 14:16, 1 reply)

Roses are red
My cock is hard
I want you in the bedroom
covered in lard.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 14:07, Reply)

Roses are red
Violets are twisted
Bend over bitch
You're about to be fisted
(Eukanuba, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 13:48, 1 reply)

Roses are red
Lilies are smelly
I'd like to take a shit
On that woman off the telly.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 12:58, 7 replies)

My massive drugs house party 3some story is far more dignified and erotic.
After a few minutes of frantic fumbling I tripped out quite badly, stumbled through the full house with bobbing pan -handle, threw up violently into the kitchen sink, blanked for some period, then wandered back through with far less pan-handle and far more sheepish clarity, to find my other half had fucked off home and the third party had passed out with her coat on and her fanny out.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 12:42, 8 replies)

Eric Pickles licking Tony B. Liar's forehead, on repeat, on loop.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 11:45, Reply)

A friend of mine used to do the sex lines
She had to log in on her phone then calls from wankers used to be transferred to her home phone. She had recorded specialist messages for lots of perversions. Normal sex, submissive, dominatrix, adult baby.

She always had a story. She had a regular who ran a newsagent who was tossing off under the counter as she talked dirty ho him. He'd stop her serve a customer then get back on the phone "right love where were we?"
Once she had a guy who wanted her to fuck the hoover (!!??). So she vacuumed her house while pretending to orgasm.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 11:25, Reply)

I ent never had no truck with fantasies
but then I got talking to some cunts over on off the topics and they seemed like an alrite lot, bit cliquey mind, and they kept going on about these bayshes they'd have. Now I'm not the kind of cunt that ent been to a party before but you should've heard these cunts bang on about their exploits in the smoke! Fucken bonanza man! yer talking ballon hats and stolen drugs and hoover snouts. This one guy found some drugs in a toilet stall or he stole them from stunned poster, i forget which, and these cunts just gave him the high hat from there on in. So y'know, theres a lot at stake amongts the fun and japes and ballon hats. Ooh, I forgot the etchy-sketches with the cocks! So anyway, I decide I want to get in on the act (so this is my fantasy that the question for the week is asking) and arrange to meet up with some baytans (ive been away a while so i forget the names but i trhink there was some becky fella, 'Bill Clay', rosey-someone and Mince with the hoover snout) for a baysh at some place in Shoreditch after meeting up for a dirty burger with another baytan. No one turned up and i ended up in Woodford and i donno how and the fucken trains werent running . Fucken cliquey cunts the lot of them
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 11:23, 11 replies)

it doesn't count as a threesome because she weighed as much as two girls

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 10:38, 2 replies)

Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue.
If I suck yours,
They will be too.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 14 Feb 2014, 10:22, Reply)

Two girls, not fat.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 10:16, Reply)

I had a threesome once at a house party where we'd all taken an e, with my girlfriend and another girl
It was fun and something I'd been meaning to try. I'll spare you the schematics of the plumbing. However over the next few weeks the other girl proceeded to leave hundreds of unanswered messages on my girlfriend's mobile of ardour, then increasing desperation, then anger. She was convinced in her hallucinatory mind that this little fling signified that she and my girlfriend were now in a deep committed lesbian relationship and shocked and then furious that my girlfriend was rejecting her instead of agreeing to leave me and spend out her days with her picking out matching cat-themed toiletries or whatever it is that lesbians do together apart from scissor. It was all very awkward and sort of put me off suggesting it again for quite some time. Why are the beautiful ones always crazy?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 6:40, 6 replies)

I can see why people do drugs. Cheaper than reality.
Teenage fantasy dream to be in a band. It's not that difficult- there will always be a gap in the talent credentials for someone to fill in, i.e. bass player. Was in a band. Fronted band when singer (clasically trained operatic diva sister of the keyboard player) went off to pursue more Thomas Tallis-related projects. Band unfortunately was in 6th form college so time dictated that eventually we would all finish our A-levels and go our separate ways. Never mind, I got to wear a cape on stage. Was not booed off. Audience obviously young and naive and had a lot to learn about what was boo-worthy.

Get to drive an offroader like it was in an episode of Top Gear? I currently work for L!nd R&ver (on contract but on and off for 11 years, I'm pretty much a fixture). One of my earlier tasks was to fix prototypes up to correct Dynamic Stability Control system issues, i.e. recalibrate sensors, read diagnostic fault codes and fix wiring issues, then take it out to the sand pit or the low speed endurance circuit and basically thrash the prototype car to make sure it wouldn't fail when taken to a facility like Millbrook or MIRA or Lommel or Nardo for endurance testing. Quite important that they work when at a test facility at (£unknown thousands) a day so it's considered a bad show if they arrive unable to do the testing in their booked slot which may not become vacant again for weeks- better give it some REALLY GOOD PUNISHMENT just to be sure...

On the other hand when you're arm-deep in mud and cack from probing behind a wheel arch liner of a car that has just come back from Eastnor Castle (where the deer roam wild and crap freely), trying to scrabble for a pass-through connector so you can probe a pin to read a sensor feed, it's a real bump-down-to-earth moment. But when you need to prove you have fixed it, i.e. take the car back out for a good razzing on the Gaydon proving grounds (LOL he said Gay) to make sure nothing crucial rattles loose before it gets shipped off then you can allow yourself a certain amount of satisfaction in sideways sliding across inlaid greasy cobbles at full throttle. You have to make the car lose traction to prove the traction control is working, AMIRITE?

Also worked at Aston Martin inbetween working at JLR- such is the nature of contracts and working on specific products... I don't tend to wank off over my time on Ford Transits at Dunton, for example.

But I digress. Driving an Aston Martin that doesn't belong to you. Yes, you can press the pedal to the floor and get to where you are pointed very very quickly along to the soundtrack of a bellowing bull or a yodelling wookie (depending on the V12 or V8 in the car you are testing) and pretend you are the owner of a £100,000-£300,00 car but you don't want to be remembered by your colleages as That Wanker Who Returned Shame-Faced To The Factory With a Collection of Smithereens on The Back of a Recovery Truck and forever being known by the production line staff as 'Him who who parks it backwards and upside down in a tree because he was showing off in an insanely powered rear-wheel drive car as he gave the throttle an unwise blip as he exitted a roundabout in the wet".

Besides, that's just the retail price of the car, a prototype costs a shitload more than that. I did sign up for liability insurance before I took on the job, just in case I fucked up and they asked me nicely how I was going to remunerate them for the prototype I might have snapped in two on a motorway bridge support (Contractors do have to worry about these things, however unlikely...).

In truth you drive it like a nun because it does not belong to you and your job kinda relies on you bringing it back without twigs and leaves stuck in the windscreen wipers and you ejected through the windscreen only to be found in a wooded copse some 200 yards away.

I have also had sex with a lady. A consenting one. Of above legal age and of sound mind. While she also was awake. Without paying for it. Stop it.

(That's one thing b3ta and The Law teaches you, check your statements for ambiguities and plug them)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 14 Feb 2014, 4:50, 3 replies)

/talk
I once fantasised that I could post something on /talk and have a rational and reasonable discussion. In short: I was wrong. Length? about 2 weeks.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 13 Feb 2014, 22:23, 14 replies)

That film-noir, Jimmy-Cagney thing?
Reaching out, grabbing someone's face so hard they get fish lips, and start shouting at them? Unlike the movies, people squirm away. And think uncharitable thoughts.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 13 Feb 2014, 22:09, Reply)

Jeremy Kyle in an S and M dungeon and lots of pissed off Radio 4 listeners to make him pay.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 13 Feb 2014, 22:00, 1 reply)