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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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Space! SPAACE!
First of all, I would take every person who has had a no-win, no-fee payout from the NHS based on a spurious injury, liquidate their assets, sell their fillings and leave them naked and shivering in the street. Not the people who actually had scalpels left in 'em, or anything like that. Just the robbing tossers. Also, homeopaths, astrologers, faith-healers, self-help experts and crystal therapists.*

I would then take this money and build a proper space program. Not a European one. Not one of these 'Okay, poor cousin, you and your rinky-dink nation can hitch a ride on our mighty rockets, but first you've got to suck a little cock' NASA ridealongs. A British space agency. In honour of Msr. W. Ellis, we shall name it the Ministry of Space.

We shall take Tea to the stars. I confidently expect that any spacefaring race advanced enough to break the light barrier will be advanced enough to appreciate tea. We shall start a massive, tea-trading empire. I also foresee that the side-trade in chocolate hobnobs will be a viable concern.

We shall forge a new future for humanity, specifically the British portion of it, and we shall leave the Earth and its economic problems, its politicians and its mysteriously-vanishing socks behind. We shall have new, better socks. Space socks.

Involvment in the MoS will come with a strict screening program. Have you, in the course of a lifetime, voluntarily watched more than two hours of Jeremy Kyle? Then we're not taking you. The stars don't need you. Nor do they need Big Brother devotees, Hollyoaks afficianados or fans of other such braingruel.

I have seen the future, and it's a crotchety, snobby-but-in-a-polite-sort-of-way, cricket-playing space empire.

And of course, there will be sexy green dancing girls. Obviously.

*Traffic wardens and charity muggers will be literally liquidated and used as hydroponic growth medium.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:49, 9 replies)
With colossal, steampunk rockets and spaceships named after Queen Victoria.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:39, closed)
Captain of the HMS (her majesty's starship) Endeavour
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:18, closed)
I will have Her Majesty's Starship Britannia.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:53, closed)
I shall command
HMSS Dauntless!!
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 21:54, closed)
Also done.
One thing to make sure of though; there shall be no American-style lightsabers, admiral choking, spacing, frakking or tomfoolery. Dignity, Discipline and the Stars.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:34, closed)
Aww c'mon...
...are you seriously saying that you've never choked your admiral?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:20, closed)
(sings Rule Britannia)
I heartily endorse your suggestion.
Furthermore I am willing to step forth and be counted amongst the men of honour who will perforce make up the finest of Her Majesty's space navy.

But not for me the exalted rank of captain, I flatter myself that I am a capable leader of men*, but feel my expertise would be better put to use in building the formitable beam weapons required to keep Her Majesty's peace in the ether lanes.

Anyone got a place for a science officer ?

*And ladies too, of course.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:04, closed)
And if you can make a beam weapon that actually makes as satisfy 'Pew pew' sound in the vacuum of space, you shall be promoted to science admiral.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:32, closed)
Can I limit the Pew Pew noise to beam firer and target ?
If so, I can do it.

Can I assume that those concerned have their radios switched on ?
If so, I can do it.

Am I allowed to launch a missile with magnetic clamps, radio receiver, and contact sounder to stick to the enemy vessel ?
If so, I can do it.

Otherwise, the best way may simply be to have an ensign stood by the gunnery office to say "pew pew" at relevant moments.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:46, closed)

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