I'm a terrible flirt.
Which is where being Asian comes in handy. I can just get the folks to find me a bloke. No more making an idiot of myself on the off chance a bloke would actually find me attractive. I'm 26 years old and have had one boyfriend. I'm evidently not cut out for this sort of thing.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:10, 18 replies)

I see your logic...
But it is badly flawed.

My parents still think the world of my evil, cheating ex wife.

Parents will pick someone in their own imagine, not someone who likes to try and drink their own body-weight in cloudy cider.

Work out why your last relationship failed and act on it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 18:27, closed)

That is a truly wonderfully lazy suggestion
I like your style.

However, I'm sure choosing your own partner is a better idea for long lasting love and affection.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 19 Feb 2010, 9:28, closed)

statistically speaking ...
Arranged marriages last longer then "love" marriages ..

It is about choice /culture and many other things. Many of my friends have found happiness in both.

Personally I discount neither method :)
(schlam la souris est sous la table, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 9:50, closed)

of course so are the expectations
presumably, in a culture where the parents pick your partner, you will expect less from the relationship. And therefore be less critical, leading to less divorces. But hey, relationships are difficult whichever route you take :)
(bovine intervention, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 18:29, closed)

stats are meaningless
as arranged marriagws generally take place in societies where women are seen as lesser creatures and often little more than commodities. There is little option for divorce, and no life for the woman after.

Marriage should be solely through individual choice, as should everything
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sun 21 Feb 2010, 14:32, closed)

well
Yeah the statistics aren't necessarily representative of happiness, but I think you are wrong, esp in today's society. Arranged marriages are little different then an elaborate form of eharmony where your parents introduce you and you normally get the end say. I am sure there are abuses of this system .. but I couldn't say anything authoritative about it as I have no data. I should imagine there are probably just as many abusive relationships resulting from personal choice.

A lot of professional people choose to take this route, both men and women. It is very common among affluent Indians living in New York who have the choice and want someone who is culturally similar.

It is a cultural thing, it may not be your culture but it works for some and not for others.
(schlam la souris est sous la table, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:39, closed)

A valid point
but I think the individual should be responsible for every aspect of their life. There should be no possibility to avoid responsibility for choice of partner, failure or success.

I think that everyone should be able to look back as they die (not that I imagine it'll be high on the list of priorities as you choke your last) and think, "I made the right choices; I did well" or "I fucked that up didn't I"

No-one should have the option to die thinking "If only I had taken control of my own life more"

Mind you, I duck responsibility more than I should.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 13:40, closed)

My problem
is that I'm not good with blokes. At all. I did try internet dating which is how I met my ex. And almost accepted a Dutchman's offer of a stay in his cabin in the woods but didn't after my driving instructor pointed out how silly that would be.

At least with an arranged marriage expectations would be low(er).
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Wed 24 Feb 2010, 15:33, closed)

From anecdotal evidence, you may also find that they have
a higher incidence of domestic abuse, both physical and psychological than 'choice' marriages, but to be frank stats don't matter. Plenty of people find that they're happy in arranged marriages, but it really depends on the people involved.

Again, I know from anecdotal experience that a shared culture and values doesn't mean happiness by itself.
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Wed 24 Feb 2010, 15:56, closed)

*bows*
All I want is a left wing, pro-choice, cheese loving bloke who likes chubby curly haired Asian girls to play MarioKart/GoldenEye/Mortal Kombat with. Is that so much to ask?
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Mon 22 Feb 2010, 22:08, closed)

Sounds easy enough to find!
You're probably in the right place.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:54, closed)

sadly it is
super mario and street fighter here otherwise I'd be banging on your door :p
(schlam la souris est sous la table, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 13:57, closed)

That is lazy but potentially problematic.
Look at the type of guys your parents think would be a good match and then ask if you'd touch them with a bargepole. Would they want you to marry a religious rich guy with an arrogant streak a mile wide? Would they happen to have access to a load of really hot cheese loving guys who're ace at Mario Kart? Important stuff.

Do you only consider asian guys? Maybe open yourself up to the possibility of dating all races if so, we're all human after all. Either that or get on shaadi.com or other asian dating sites. My brother in law has found a couple of girls from there that he's dated and they seemed all right.

Your love of video games, liberal politics and cheese will be a plus point to most geeky types (personally I'd find that more interesting than a penchant for discussing shades of eyeliner and Cheryl Cole) if that's what you go for but in general get out and meet people, find something in common with a guy you like and talk to them. Get to know someone and they'll either make a move or you can just get them drunk and jump on them.

Many guys are too shy to make a move but are pleasantly surprised when women do. You have it much easier in this regard.
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Wed 24 Feb 2010, 16:08, closed)

.
I trust my dad's judgment more than my mum's. He'd pick someone who'd suit me. And I'm open to dating men of all races. The ex was white.

I did have a look on Shaadi, but unfortunately I'm too dark. My skin is the colour of a Galaxy chocolate bar rather than wheat. Damned Indians and there obsession with whiteness.

I think my problem is my complete lack of self esteem. That and the fact men don't find me attractive whereas women do. Men describe me as cute, which is just a polite way of saying "I wouldn't sleep with her". Women think I'm beautiful, and I've often though I'd have a love life if I were a lesbian. but I'm not.


An arranged marriage might seem lazy, but it would appear to be the only way.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Wed 24 Feb 2010, 22:00, closed)

Fair enough on the skin thing, there is some irrational bullshit about that. I almost fell out of my tree first time I saw a skin whitening cream advert on Indian TV. The realisation that while white people want to go browner, brown people want to go whiter made me amused yet sad.

To put it delicately, you mentioned that you were chubby. Without wanting to be patronising (hell, I have a tyre I need to shift), maybe doing some form of regular exercise would help you to a. meet men, and b. boost your self-esteem by getting yourself in trim? Even if you don't there's many men who like the cuddly figure. Cute isn't always a bad thing either.

You say that men don't find you attractive, but there will be someone out there. It may just be that you're like many people and just haven't noticed someone who's fancied you. I've gone round for years not seeing anything, my wife had to molest me (in a good way)for me to notice that she fancied me.

There's also the question that if you have an arranged marriage, how would you know your husband didn't just settle for your situation and lifestyle characteristics rather than actually liking you for who you are? I've seen arranged marriages work fine, but for a westernized liberal woman I think they're more perilous than someone coming from the subcontinent.

Chin up and get back on the horse, wouldn't you rather make your own choices in life?
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Thu 25 Feb 2010, 11:07, closed)

I'm trying to lose the excess weight, so hopefully I'll get my self esteem back. There are so many clothes I cannot wear at my current size, and it sucks.

My friends have been really sweet and claim men might find me intimidating. Quite why, I've no idea!

Being more sociable would help me loads and I'm working on that too.

I'm not the most patient person in the world, and am aware that if I'm still single by the time I turn 30, the family will be on my case. And I'm aware that an arranged marriage won't be like a love marriage. There wouldn't be much in the way of romance or anything like that.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Thu 25 Feb 2010, 12:02, closed)

Sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself then.
Finding the right person might take time, but it'll be way more worth it IMO and you may even get romance like this:

kotaku.com/201299/the-mario-wedding-cake

My wife outright refused from an early age to have an arranged marriage as she wanted to 'pick her own'. Aside from making me feel like a piece of fruit, she's happy to be in control of her own destiny and we've been happily married 5 years with a beautiful baby (she's annoyed that he looks a bit pasty though).

Every Asian person I know who's over 25 gets hassle from their folks, but people get married later these days so in most cases the parents have to suck it up. Don't do things because your family pressure you to. Good luck!
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Thu 25 Feb 2010, 12:44, closed)

A Sri Lankan friend of mine hit 26, decided he was sick of not getting any and asked his mum to sort something out.
He thoroughly enjoyed himself for a year or so of "auditions", and is now happily married, the bastard.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 12:02, closed)