I know I'm a sad twat but this is what I didn't or didn't find...
A couple of weeks back I went on a quest to find out whether Face Book represented the end of humanity, or whether it just posed a bit of harmless fun.

This is what I found out…….


It’s 2008 and we are smack bang in the middle of the so called ‘Space Age.’ An age where my 53 year old mother knows how to internet bank, order food online and buy expensive shoes on Ebay. We have iPods which can store 20’000 songs, we have mobile phones the size of cigarette lighters and every street corner has a surveillance camera plonked on it to ensure were not all going round brutally murdering and raping each other. Let’s face it, whether we like it or not, modern day technology is continuing to accelerate at frightening pace.

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology and all the niceties it brings to my busy life style. I can’t imagine life without mobile phones, an XBOX 360 or my pearly white Apple Mac. Like all good things though, such rapid growth will inevitably breed consequence, a bit like Magners cider, it was great when it first came out and it was reasonably priced, but then people started guzzling it like greedy animals until you literally have to remortgage your house to get pissed off it. Anyway, one pit fall in the surge of technological advances has to be social networking web sites such as Myspace and Facebook. At first I thought these said sites were a bit of fun. You can have a cyber food fight, tell your friends how you are feeling or simply poke the girl next door. Now, 200 and something friends later it’s seemingly just a place for ex-girlfriends to stalk you and a place to pretend how great your life is, was or is going to be. I don’t give a fuck how the revision is going, I don’t give a fuck if you put half a stone on and I really don’t give a fuck if your boyfriend just don’t seem to care anymore. I know, I’m a heartless bastard but, I’m a brutally honest heartless bastard.

For anyone who hasn’t got the foggiest of ideas of what I’m on about, here’s a step by step guide on how to fall from normality straight into a great big bloody hole of lies, conspiracies and deception.

Step 1 – The essential tool for any potential face booker is a computer. Let’s be honest, in the year 2008 if your home doesn’t contain a computer you are either 105 years old, completely illiterate or living in Wales.

Step 2 – So you have your computer and now all you need in order to register is an existing e-mail address or the mental capacity to create a new one. This can be particularly difficult if your name is John Smith, for instance you may find your Hotmail account becomes [email protected] to avoid duplicates.

Step 3 – Verification e-mail in hand you are now free to create an account. In every day life you shred all of your old mail, cover your hand whilst entering your pin code at the ATM machine and you never share bank details with anyone over the phone. Create a face book account and you find yourself willingly declaring home addresses, marital status and mobile phone numbers. Fuck me! It’s not like bad people are using the world wide web is it? Clearly paedophiles, fraudsters and hackers haven’t quite caught up with modern technology yet.

Step 4 – Congratulations! You have just become a member of the world’s largest dating agency. Feel free to write endless amounts of irrelevant shit about yourself n order to make your miserable life sound more interesting than it really is. Before long you will become an expert in deception. You will be telling so many tales even your inner self will believe that you have met Ghandi, been to the moon and had sex with Kiera Knightly. And that was just a Monday.

Step 5 – Now the difficult bits are out of the way it’s time to upload photos of yourself, pets, your twatish mates, relatives you despise and the pets you probably don’t care about but a picture of something fluffy will make you appear caring and warm hearted. Argh, I think I’m going to be sick. Always remember that the girl you had a crush on at school will undoubtedly have an account so be sure to upload a good picture of yourself. A picture of you leaving court following a trial for burglary might not go down too well. Stick to profile shots on white backgrounds, much more sought after.

Step 6 – You have made a list of all the bands you have never heard of, the books you have never read and the quotes you don’t understand. Now it’s time to get some friends. At first you stalk out your best mates, the ones closest to you, who you see all the time, socialise with and tell your secrets to. You can’t stop there though so you start to add the people who are ‘kinda your friend.’ You played football with Dave when you were twelve, you sat next to Martin in art and you once fingered ‘Dirty Donna’ behind the bike shed after double Maths. Accumulating friends has now become an addiction and you find yourself seeking friends like an heroin addict seeking his next fix. The girl who sits behind you on the bus makes an appearance in your friends list. Even the Asian guy who delivers pizzas to your house twice a year has become your best chum. It’s not just you who has become lumbered with this addiction. Other people are now adding you. People who’s only binding connection with you is the fact that they are human and you are human.

Step 7 – Join a group. Or should that read, ‘Join a Cult?’ Appreciation Societies seem to be popular. Obese whale Lisa Riley, Deadrey Barlow and leather skin David Dickinson are bound to have one. Join now, run quick before these D class celebrities drowned in there own appreciation.

Step 8 – Update your status. Tell everyone in the world exactly how your feeling. Suicidal? Why not cry for help? This is your stage, tell all of your best friends that you are so low you are considering therapy, Prozak or even burning your signed Mark Owen photograph from 1992.

Upon review of the above, I concluded that it was just a bit of harmless fun, and I need to get over it and spend my spare time partaking in proper hobbies like football or playing instruments, rather than mindlessly scouring the internet for conspiracies in between wanking myself sideways. That was until about a week later when I read about the ‘Facebook Killer’ Wayne Forrester. Wayne has been jailed for life after stabbing his wife Emma to death after she changed her marital status to single days after they had split. What the fuck? You didn’t have to stab her Wayne, you could have just chucked an imaginary cyber cake at her, or started some malicious internet rumour, detailing how she wanked Donkeys off in her spare time, just for the craic. It’s a fucking tragic story, but instead of her profile status reading ‘Emma is a tad tipsey after drinking too much red wine with friends’ , it now reads, ‘Emma is brown bread.’ And instead of Waynes profile status reading, ‘Wayne is looking on the bright side’ it now reads, ‘Wayne is in jail getting brutally arse raped by Bubba and his pals’

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I found out that I’m just not sure if Face Book represents the end of Humanity. Suggestions anyone?
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Mon 10 Nov 2008, 20:18, 11 replies)

about your b3ta profile then?

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 20:25, closed)

I think he's kiddin
I kind of agree. But Im not daft enough to have my mobile/email/house address on show and if I dont know people I dont add them.

Although the amount of people I know that have been hacked, sending spam to everyone is unreal..
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 20:29, closed)

I live in wales
and I have facebook
don't worry i'm not welsh
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 22:31, closed)

phew
that was a close one.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 22:59, closed)

Facebook Etc
Facebook.

It's for truly sad bastards who need to get themselves a life.

If I want to contact my friends I phone them to talk to them. If they know me then they already know enough about me and I don't have to tell them anything I don't want them to know. They don't invite me to join dumb groups with stupid names and all those kind of things.

Facebook is for losers with a 96 point capital L in Gill Sans Ultra Bold underlined followed by several excalmation marks.

Start the revolution now, cancel your facebook account and tell all your friends to tell all their friends to do the same. If everybody deletes their accounts facebook and all the other "social networks" which in actual fact are anti social will die and I for one wil lbe really happy about it

ElNicko.
(Elnicko Nearly pub O'Clock, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 23:09, closed)

Have you joined
the "Start a revolution now" Facebook group to meet people with similar views?
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 8:29, closed)

Arf!
I myself would rather put my balls in a mincer (and I don't mean Dale Winton) than use facebook. Dreadful thing.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:03, closed)

Add One Clicky...
...for the most amusing post so far.

Also, I am starting a "fans of sir digby chicken ceaser" group on facebook so we can all express our mutual appreciation of your work.

I know thats what you'd want. really.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:39, closed)

well said!
I read this at work then shared it with a fellow patron (read geek) at my local, he nearly choked on his cottage pie! Good work sir! *tips hat*
( P, Benny P, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 23:48, closed)

prozak
is spelt prozac :P
(wireless_tommer, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 8:15, closed)

Good post
I now want to join facebook but at 37, I think I'm too old.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:18, closed)