Weird things I say
A few rhymes/sayings that I always recite and make sure I do so, without fail:

When my dog farts:
Naughty dog, smelly dog, go outside and lay a log

Putting my daughter to bed:
Coconut head, coconut head, my little tiny baby has a coconut head. She’s got bananas for arms and bananas for legs, but my little tiny baby has a coconut head
This can only be sung if she’s lying in her cot, I won’t sing it in any other location. Not sure why.

When the missus is applying make-up in the bedroom:
Here I go, I’m gonna pat the boobies. Sneaking ‘round the back, to pat me some boobies. Up come my hands, to pat the boobies. I better get a grope before she kicks my goolies
(She hates this)

When her phone rings I always say ‘Your phone is ringing’, even if she is holding it

If I walk into the pub with my brother:
Bounce, bounce, bounce on the ground, you get a table, I’ll get a round. What do you want, you cunt?

Upon seeing a magpie:
Hello Mr. Magpie, how are you today? How are your wife and children? Apologies if you’re a female magpie
Always followed with a salute

Greeting my mums’ two cats (Yeti and Snowy) and the sheepdog Heidi – sung to the tune of Moloko’s ‘Bring it Back’:
Yeti’s white, Snowy’s black, Heidi’s both, but she’s not a cat

When descending stairs, I alternate the words ‘Bomp’ and ‘Splat’ in my head with each step. If I'm at home, I never look into the mirror at the bottom of the stairs in case I see a figure pass by on the landing behind me

Whenever I hear the ‘tax doesn’t have to be taxing’ bit of the related advert, I always add ‘But it helps’.

If I hear a car sound it’s horn:
Honky honk, he’s done a honk, beeping his horn like a twat.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:10, 18 replies)

has anyone told you
you're a headcase?? ;)
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:16, closed)

Love it.
I especially love the boobies/make-up song.

How your lady hasn't bludgeoned you to death with her hairdryer, I don't know.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:21, closed)

I'm guessing you're old enough to know better..?

( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:23, closed)

I should be!

(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:26, closed)

In her 20s, your daughter is going to say "I'm not a nut, but my head's a coconut".
And then wonder why.

AICMFP.
(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:42, closed)

I like this. Please continue to do this.

( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:52, closed)

Love it.
Greeting my mums’ two cats (Yeti and Snowy) and the sheepdog Heidi – sung to the tune of Moloko’s ‘Bring it Back’:
Yeti’s white, Snowy’s black, Heidi’s both, but she’s not a cat

*click*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 11:57, closed)

You are clearly....
....a genius! Keep doing this, you'll make the best most entertaining granddad in the world!

ps: I'm stealing "Bounce, bounce, bounce on the ground, you get a table, I’ll get a round. What do you want, you cunt? ", as it's a work of literary perfection.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Mon 5 Jul 2010, 12:15, closed)

this ^
My brother will hate it.

OP *click*
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 12:49, closed)

Hahahaha
Excellent :D

I've heard a similar magpie one before - my sister does it because then it's counteracts the "one for sorrow" superstition...
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 12:31, closed)

I'm going to find myself bomping and splatting down the stairs now
I just know it...
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 13:40, closed)

You are
really fucking loopy.

Have a click.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 0:19, closed)

Like everyone said...
...you're nuttier than a fruit cake with extra walnuts.

EDIT: And pecans. And brazilians.

Fancy a beer?

EDIT^2: I'd still buy you a beer. Might be an interesting evening. Do I need to sign a waiver?
(IHaveComeAmongThee__Twice Tissues on the left. Self-esteem on the right., Tue 6 Jul 2010, 1:14, closed)

top notch fuckedintheheadness!
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 2:52, closed)

I keep coming back to this post, it's great
And I just know I'm going to end up going 'bomp splat'

This made me smile because it's magic, I liked it so much that I'll give it a click, and I think to myself - what a wonderful post.
(Cloudane, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 11:28, closed)

Thank You
For extra fun, it helps if you shuffle down the stairs on your backside - the 'bomp' and 'splat' seem to sound better this way.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 13:02, closed)

You git.
"Upon seeing a magpie:
Hello Mr. Magpie, how are you today? How are your wife and children? Apologies if you’re a female magpie
Always followed with a salute"

That's my only OCD "thing" - without the apology if they are female.

Now, I suspect I will add the apology too.

Damn you!
(dchurch bah, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 15:39, closed)

No.
I'm sorry.

I read the same post as everyone else.

And I don't find it remotely endearing. You're a loon.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 16:02, closed)