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This is a question I'm going to Hell...

...because I said the Lord's Prayer backwards at a funeral to summon up the Goat of Mendes, Freddie Woo tells us. Tell us why you're doomed.

Thanks to Kaol for the suggestion

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:09)
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Serpent's Tongue
I may have posted this in some form or another before but this fits nicely in with the topic as one of the most singularly evel things I've ever done.

As I've mentioned in various posts I had a rush of blood to the head cock at 18 and ended up engaged and then married to my first girlfriend. A silly, naive move on hindsight for many reasons.

Now, I'm a merry little atheist, but had suddenly found myself spliced into a heavily Jehovah's Witness family. My wife had been given an opt-out at sixteen which she had taken, but her thinking was still sullied by residual lunacy from her upbringing.

To make matters worse, her parents had taken an obvious dislike to me straight away. They had actually told her, when we had just started going out, to dump me as; "He's the spawn of the Devil!" (How I wash I was only paraphrasing there!) Obviously, I found this hilarious, my father and very catholic mother, predictably less so.

From then on, the relationships between both sets of families were strained like a constipated sphincter. My mother and her's especially. They could barely stand to be civil to each other in the street, and there were a few instances where I thought I was going to witness the Great Menopause Massacre of 2000 in the middle of Hawick High Street.

I knew what her family thought, and didn't much care, but when an opportunity for some prime mischief arose, I wasn't about to pass it up.

My wife and I had moved into a little flat, and when she wasn't working on the deli department in the local Safeway, her mum would come down to the flat, have a tea and they would go out shopping.

On the day in question, this was to be the arrangement. Now, our relationship was tempestuous to say the least and was played out to the tune of screaming matches, broken dishes, accusations of sexual inadequacy ("You've never made me come!" "That's because your a fucking sack of spuds!"), and vague threats of domestic violence.

We were going through one of those 'rocky' periods, although rocky in the same way an active volcano is still ostensibly rocky. This is why she was surprised and a little pleased by my administering a nice morning donation of my best oral.

This wasn't a magnanimous gesture on my part however, far from it. I knew her mum was coming round. After it was over, she went for a bath, during which I heard the familiar ring of the doorbell.

"I'll get it!" I yelled cheerfully, opened the door with a gleeful flourish and planted a great big snog with a stray tongue straight on her mother.

She looked bemused and frightened. I then pretended nothing had happened, sauntered back into the kitchen and popped the kettle on.

I still today this day wonder if she ever realised she had just tasted her own daughter.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:17, 18 replies)
oh god.
that is all.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:54, closed)
There are many reasons
why I clicked this ("Great Menopause Massacre of 2000" and "strained like a constipated sphincter", for example) but that last line is not one of them.

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:59, closed)
Hmm, constructive.
I see what you mean. It doesn't need it does it? *removes*

Thanks Fuzzy!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:03, closed)
*wonders what got removed*
Great story though *clicks with tongues*
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:11, closed)
@ V
Just a line about a Hellbus that was neceassary and detracted from the ending.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:15, closed)
Oooh no I didn't mean that!
I guess I meant the second-to-last line, the one that made me boke, and the one which in fact is still there :(

(As unhappy as it makes me don't delete that too! It's kinda crucial to the impact of the whole thing... urgh)
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:18, closed)
You sir
Are a very bad man!

Nice one!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:11, closed)
*crosses self*


Nicely done though... Remind me never to get on your bad side!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:37, closed)
Hang on a second
You haven't made a habit of this have you?
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:38, closed)
Would you really mind
if he had? Lusty is a lovely girl and all.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:07, closed)
Some people
would even pay for the privilege!

or so I'm led to believe...
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:19, closed)
are you insinuating here then?
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:47, closed)
To be fair
Worse things have happened but it would've been nice to have been warned about the threesome that was about to occur in my mouth.

I could've enjoyed it more then.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:22, closed)
If Satan read this...
...he would shit Himself laughing!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:47, closed)
"the threesome that was about to occur in my mouth"

(, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 22:53, closed)
Tee hee hee
* click! *

'tis only post the fifth, but we could already have a winner!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:13, closed)
that made me fart with joy
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 1:28, closed)
"Great Menopause Massacre of 2000" :')
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 8:50, closed)

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