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This is a question I'm going to Hell...

...because I said the Lord's Prayer backwards at a funeral to summon up the Goat of Mendes, Freddie Woo tells us. Tell us why you're doomed.

Thanks to Kaol for the suggestion

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:09)
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The epic tale of a Czech boy.
Growing up I lived in a tough neighbour hood. Like really fucking tough. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t carry a knife. Or anyone that wasn’t in a gang. People think gangs are a lifestyle choice - they are not. You just get swept up and carried along. Sometimes fantasy and real life blurred at the edges. But this was the cold reality of my existence and there was no escape from it. I looked up at the same sky as everyone else but we were shit poor. I didn't ask anything of anyone. I learned quickly to accept the ebb and flow of things. Some of the times we had were great others were the lowest points of my young life. I learned to just go with it, whatever happened – to be honest I didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything.

Until that is, the day I had to break it to my mother I had committed murder. She couldn’t accept it, simply refused to believe it. The worst part was when she demanded to know how I had killed the poor bloke. Having to tell my own mother I had shot another young man at point blank range is still to this day indescribable. He died instantly of massive head wounds. Pulling the trigger was simple, but I hadn’t any idea of the consequences. She was distraught. She told me I had thrown my entire life away. I have never seen anyone cry with such gut-wrenching pain. I didn’t want this for her. I didn't mean to make this happen. I did to do the only thing I could. I ran. The following day i was gone but my mother had to try and pretend she knew nothing of this terrible thing and continue life as normal.

But all too soon the game was up. By the time i was caught i was in a terrible state, I was petrified and every part of my body ached. I waved goodbye to my life, my mother, I didn't want it all to be over but frankly by this time I wished I’d never even been fucking born.

In court I looked at the judge, a little thin wisp of a man. He was a joke, a fucking buffoon. We danced around the whole stupid legal process. Being in remand was terrifying. The first night in prison there was a huge storm, thunder scares me but the banging of doors and the clatter of hundreds of other men terrified me. All at once my place in the gang – the security of it meant nothing. I was just another dirt poor fucker trapped in a hole. My family was skint, there would be no fancy lawyers to come save me from the inevitability of the situation. But my attitude was still – who gives a fuck?

Clearly there was no way out of this one, but then, on a technicality I got off. Reluctantly they let me go, well got off for now that is - if there is a Hell then there is surely a place set aside for me.

You can think what you like of me. Some people call me scum others just turned their backs on me. But when it comes down to it I have realised in this life that if you look closely enough, nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters to me.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:09, 26 replies)
...any way the wind


(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:10, closed)
I wish...
...I could click multiple times, because this is so beautifully written that it took me a good few minutes to finally realise what you had done.

Hmm. Right up to your self-reply in fact. ::edit:: because I was so shocked that I didn't even twig (or read properly) the last two sentences.

/credulity blog.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:24, closed)
Magnificent work spimfy
but instead of a gong crash at the end, I thing a massive


would be more fitting :-)
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 9:10, closed)
WE TINK U R BRILL...what? he was a gay immigrant? BURN IN HELL, PESKY TYRANT!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:13, closed)
he would had liked you
a good old fashioned loverboy
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:21, closed)
He would had (sic) liked me indeed.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 20:36, closed)
Dont stop me now

I'm havin such a good time
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 21:32, closed)
My Gang
In my gang, we knew each other by the colors we wore. We referred to them as 'uniforms' and while we were sponsored by our government, taking a life is never something 'easy'. Sure, the physicality of it is simple: bring muzzle to bear on the intended recipient, pull trigger, rinse and repeat.

Unless of course you are just taking the piss...and I am missing your comedic reference.

Either way, Semper Fi.

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:25, closed)
hey, i hear you blood
another one bites the dust!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:26, closed)
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:36, closed)
bravo indeed
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:46, closed)
Very good Spimf
It took a reread but then it dropped.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:57, closed)
One of my favorite songs ever, and I *still* didn't twig straight away! It didn't actually occur to me until the final paragraph.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:59, closed)
i have to say
very well done chap. you genius bastard.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:01, closed)
Got it...
...about halfway through, but well done sir, very nicely written!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:22, closed)
Ha, superb work!
Didn't get it until the final sentence. Brilliant. CLICK!
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:52, closed)
This is nothing short of inspired
we're not worthy, we're not worthy
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:53, closed)
urgh this isn't a Queen thing is it?

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:42, closed)
killer queen

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:46, closed)
I see a little silhouette of a man...

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:53, closed)
often seen shuffling round asda with
a fat bottomed girl
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 0:04, closed)
You bastard. Well written though. You get applause and a click for that - although i ws pretty suspicious by the second paragraph.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:14, closed)
Somehow I always spot these early
I guessed it at the bit about "the same sky".
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 3:20, closed)
Well done,
Didn't get it until the last para. Have a clicky.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 12:13, closed)
I didn't twig til after I'd written a long touchy-feely post expressing sorrow and empathy and urging Spimf to please get help, I sob cared about him!.

Thank god I didn't send it--what a dork I am.
(, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 19:06, closed)
aw tubster
I'd have loved to have read that!!


and thanks to all who enjoyed being duped and all your kind comments

you've clicked this to only second behind by notorious improvised flamethrower tale on my best of page. thank you all. i might even finish the childrens novel i dropped 3 years ago.

(, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 21:37, closed)

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