IT adventures
I was once hired by a swanky London meeja agency as their resident nerd because I ‘looked good bending over’. Having great tocks generally doesn’t send a girl geek to the dizzying heights of IT support mastery, but it got me a job and that job paid for beer.

One of the reasons that they needed a fine filly to crawl around underneath desks was because of their high-profile clients. These were international stars, genuinely some of the biggest names in the world. No multi-hojillionaire man with fine taste in silicone and sports cars would ever want a computer monkey that looked like a potato stuffed in a dirty sweat sock, right?

~~~~~

I was once blindfolded when tasked with fixing a star’s home computer. I was bundled into a van, confused by the driver through some deft swerving maneuvers and manhandled inside this man’s doorstep. It felt a bit too much like a kidnap; I was ever-so ill-at-ease until I was then informed I had to also fix his computer without the essential benefit of sight. He angrily hissed into my face, “There are things on this computer you aren’t allowed to see.” Like, apparently, the screen. I did my best to convince the man that, in fact, I required the sense of sight and couldn’t do my job without it. I was bundled into a car and again sent back to my office. Meanwhile, the lawyers hashed out a contract which would grant me the power of vision. Back I went, again blindfolded. I both fixed his computer and found out why he was so concerned about my peeking in his files – porn. Now, I’m partial to a bit of todger porn myself and, I figured, if the rumours were true, I might just catch a glimpse of a 9+. No, oh no, his entire porn collection was full of the 70+. Ahem.

~~~~~

I received another laptop in from an international star. The laptop was caked in sperm. It was splodged everywhere, and there wasn’t any way I was going to bloody touch it. I decided to have a word with the MD of the company:

“I understand that X is a very powerful man, but he submitted his laptop and it was covered in…white stuff.”
“Ah, don’t worry, TheSnark. He’s got a bit of a problem with cocaine.”
“Ah, erm, ah, no. I meant that every damned inch of his laptop is covered in ejaculate.”

An ungodly amount of antibac wipes and rubber gloves later, I found out that his laptop was well and truly fried after a year of semen seepage. Did he never consider cleaning up after himself?

~~~~~

There was another man who did always play it straight. Girlfriends, denials of sexuality, kiss-and-tells – he was 100% heterosexual male and he had the credentials to prove it. I received his laptop to fix and was excited with the frisson of hot manliness that came with it. Find out, the hot manliness also extended to the contents of the computer – the desktop image was this gentleman with his boyfriend. I mean, I’m pretty sure they were together, as he had his hands all over the other man’s soldier and submarines. It quickly came to note that the computer was entirely full up. This star had come up with a rather good porn indexing system based on hair colour and sexual acts, i.e., brownhair_fisting001.mov and blondehair_snowball034.mov. It was merely that he overdid it and probably shouldn’t have downloaded that last chain gang penetration video. He can be as gay as he likes, but I’m still rather annoyed when I see him with a new girlfriend misrepresenting himself so he can pull in the big bucks. Girls: consider yourself very fooled. Gay men: oh, you lucky sods, you.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:25, 17 replies)

Ah come on!
You HAVE to tell us the name of the last one if only so we can learn from his amazing file organisation. The rest of us have to put up with deep folder systems which are easily misplaced. Time after time i find myself in a random accounting folder with only one folder inside it and wonder why it weighs in at 11GB. "Ah yes - another one i've forgotten about....

You do however deserve a click for the spunky laptop - no one should have to go through that!!!
(sunray18, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:56, closed)

I'd be sued!
And B3ta would be sued, and...and...and...

I keep schtum. Also, I'm pretty sure somebody would break my knees.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:00, closed)

Hints?
Maybe?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:24, closed)

Well it ain't
Elton John or George Michael, as they are certainly of the Camp thats pitched firmly outside the Closet.

I'd say Mel Gibson myself, as he certainly has the public persona of being straighter than straight, adhering to the Aussie code of "No Pooftas"
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 20:03, closed)

My money's on......
.....Cliff Richard!

Out of interest, do you reveal the identities to your friends?
(sunray18, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 7:50, closed)

Are you a friend?
Tom, is that you?

If you stuff me full of gin, I spill the beans.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:35, closed)

It's Clooney.
Sorry, but it is :p
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:50, closed)

I'd have been happy to see him with his nuts out...
...but no, it wasn't.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:57, closed)

is it someone who, as it were,
'cruises' for 'toms'?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:53, closed)

Nope.
Nope nope nope.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 15:52, closed)

"a year of semen seepage"
Disturbing mental image of the week!
( ejlflop errrrrgs. Regularly., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:03, closed)

click!
just for taking support to jizzying heights (see what I did there?)
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 19:36, closed)

ive been here for a fair while now...
i have read almost every QOTW answer posted in the last 5 years. during that time i have never read such a blatant catalogue of utter utter pish

everyone knows women can't fix things
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 23:30, closed)

I beg to differ, Sir!
I always take my trousers to my mum when they get a hole in the pocket.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:18, closed)

...
I fix my hair real nice.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:29, closed)

you...
have a touch of the awesomeness about you x
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:47, closed)

They need to use TrueCrypt.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 23:39, closed)