technically not to one I loved
Some years ago I was trying to extricate myself from a relationship with a bloke who had been lovely for 3 weeks but had then turned into psycho paranoid twat. He worked shifts and would finish work sometimes at 0200hrs and then fetch up at my place with keys he refused to return to me. I couldn't get the locks changed as I was totally skint. I used to leave the key in the lock to stop him getting in but my dogs would raise holy hell and to save the neighbours sanity I had to get up and let the bastard in, he would usually then search the house for secret lovers and then demand I cook him a meal. If I refused he would launch into a tirade about how he 'couldn't continue to love me ' if I kept being so difficult.I got a bit tired of this as I had to be up at 0600 to do the horses and then go to work. My dogs also became a target for him and he would threaten to take them away and dump them somewhere or kill them, so I was completely demoralised and tired all the time. I couldn't get rid of him , he just would not leave me alone, and the police in the 80's were not interested until he actually murdered me. I hatched a plan which took a while to perfect, but I bided my time and eventually one day after his night shift he fell asleep after eating all my food, I got his keys out of his trousers without him waking up. I removed my door keys, and there in my palm were his shiny new bmw keys. I went out taking my dogs with me , and as they were excited about going out I thought I would give them a run down the fields then leave them with my neighbour whilst I did the deed. I then decided to kill two birds with one stone, put the dogs in his new BMW and drove it about 5 miles to a well known spot near Buckingham along the A421 where the dogging fraternity gathered.
It was hidden from the main road, the river on one side and a stone bridge that had been bypassed when they improved the road was a perfect spot. I walked the dogs about 5 miles up the river , they played, ran , and got very very dirty.
I then went back to the car, took off the number plates, shat in the boot, and scratched a rude word beginning with c on the bonnet.
I then walked home across the fields.
When got home, it was still asleep but stirred, and demanded food.
'who are you? I said, what are you doing in my house ,started screaming and generally feigned a nervous breakdown cross psycho woman type event. He was very groggy after being asleep and just could not take it in, I was dishevelled after a wintery walk with my dogs, it was getting dark, I was screaming and brandishing a broom handle, so he just looked at me and said I will come back when you have calmed down. I continued to 'no recognise' him and picked up the phone and said I was calling the police. He went out of my house, where upon I locked the door and started dancing about my house. At this point I must point out I lived in a very old end of terrace converted cottage thing, there were six in a row out in the wilds of Buckinghamshire and up a dark lane with no lighting. He must have got into the car park and feeling for car keys not found them and he came back to my door started hammering on it. It was raining and windy. I smiled back at him through the frosted window, then poked a large knife through the letterbox and told him to fuck off.

He did...
I have no idea what happened after that, except when the police arrived I was cleaned up. I was lucid, I was polite, I denied knowing him. My neighbour was round with me having a glass of wine, and she bless her denied knowing him as well.

he had never bothered to learn my dogs names, or knew where I worked as I had changed jobs and not bothered to tell him, so the police went away.


I think it took about 2 weeks for his car to be found, stripped of wheels and burned out. I didn't do that, but applaud the people who did.

I had accidentally thrown the keys in the river.

I still hate the bastard.
And MICHAEL JAMES if I ever set eyes on you again, I will spit in your face.
(Jessypuss Fiddling with stuff since 1957, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 15:12, 11 replies)

Good thing you're not bitter about it, eh?

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 15:21, closed)

Totally over it.
That's why it's only posted another dozen stories about this bloke it was seeing for 3 weeks.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 19:04, closed)

Sounds like a right cunt
and his choice of automobile backs up that theory. Of course, he's probably battering seven shades of shit out of some other poor "girlfriend" now.
( eXOBeX, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 15:41, closed)

since this story has been relived from the eighties in glorious dramacolour, I suspect he's probably moved on in the interim thirty years.
how DO people do that?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 21:38, closed)

Right.
Did you break both his legs too?
(craigix, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 22:11, closed)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 21:08, closed)

"up at 6 to do the horses"
Dirty.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 22:15, closed)

Not bad
But if you were going to poo in his car and scratch cunt in the bonnet, you should have given his keys back to give him the benefit of it.

Revenge rating: 7/10
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 23:16, closed)

So, you're a psycho. And a criminal.
Still, I suppose you have breasts.
Wanna cyber?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 20 Jun 2011, 0:43, closed)

Broadsword has first dibs on breasts.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 9:47, closed)

Awesome
I really like the pretending not to know him idea, he sounds like the type of guy who'd be too stupid to understand.
I hope more people in horrible relationships can find the courage to end them too.
( Mellicious is made of candy, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 11:46, closed)