Just to take the wind out of Slanderous Nadger's sails

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 14 Mar 2013, 10:32, 1 reply)

Raleigh Chopper
One christmas many years ago me and a few mates got new bikes, mine being a Raleigh Burner. One of our group had got other stuff that year but already had a Raleigh Chopper. After the initial honeymoon period where no-one was allowed to touch my bike and much persuasion from him we swapped bikes for a go. I was at the time pretty good on the BMX doing wheelies, bunnyhops etc.
So I decide to try and bunnyhop his bike, you can probably tell where this is going.... The tiny front wheel lands first, back end heads upwards and I got sliding down the seat, pods first into the gear shifter. Pain? Oh yes indeed, with the others looking on pissing themselves at my ineptitude to ride a crap bike.
(Outrun Is it the weekend yet?, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 8:17, 8 replies)

LOOK AT ALL THESE FUCKING CANDLES FOLKS, LOOK AT THEM.
LIKE TEN FLAMING ERECT COCKS.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 8:17, 9 replies)

You know what my absolute bestest favourite qftw stories are?
Those ones that start "not me but a mate" or "I wasn't there but" or "my mate told me this obvious fucking lie and I'm too fucking stupid to have realised it was a lie so I'm reproducing it for you cunts because I have no fucking dignity".

  _________________________ __________ 
 /   _____/\__    ___/  _  \\______   \
 \_____  \   |    | /  /_\  \|       _/
 /        \  |    |/    |    \    |   \
/_______  /  |____|\____|__  /____|_  /
        \/                 \/       \/ 
____________________________________  __.
\__    ___/\______   \_   _____/    |/ _|
  |    |    |       _/|    __)_|      <  
  |    |    |    |   \|        \    |  \ 
  |____|    |____|_  /_______  /____|__ \
                   \/        \/        \/

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 8:02, 13 replies)

A mate of mine stapled his nutsack to a fence post..
Not staple as in small pointy bit of bent wire that has trouble penetrating (ha.. Penetrate) 3 sheets of paper, but staple as in, well, fencing staple-a fucking big U shaped galvanised nail, sharpened on both ends, driven by a big pneumatic nailgun type apparatus that fastens wire to wooden posts. It took a claw hammer, much shrieking, and even more pain to un-fasten his skin sack from the fence post. Luckily, if it can be described as such, the staple went through the wrinkle bag itself but didn't pierce the plums within. Strangely enough, not long after this, he went and started training as a priest.
( BeefJerky Hands off my jerky.., Thu 14 Mar 2013, 6:38, Reply)

I have told tale of my mate Tom previously in this weeks qotw.
Here is another. He'll like this one being aired even less than the last. Maybe he'll learn not to drink and talk with me in the future.

Tom went to a strict Christian Brothers boarding school.
Once every few nights the head brother would line the boys up in the showers with some "pr0nos" and a ruler.
They would have to drop their towels, the brother would hold an open stickbook in front of them for a few minutes and then do his thing.

Now I know where most of you are going with you thinking here - I reached for the same conclusion.
But.

Apparently if you cracked a chubby looking at the rudey mag, rather than play with your cock or at least measure it the brother would give your penis a short, sharp whack on the top of your dick and then as quickly on the underside of your nadgers.

Apparently getting whacked on the dick with a ruler really fucking hurts. And then as you yelp in pain and try to cover up, a less than gentle flick on your "landing gear" makes insult to injury a reality.

Now from what I understand from Tom, a couple of these brothers have since been dispatched to the big house because the government, school and eventually the church found that type of behavior to be "unbecoming".

Rather than a "length" joke I'll name the source for the "pr0no" that the brother used to hold up.
Madonna's original spread in Playboy.(Suffice to say - NSFW)

Go figure...
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 14 Mar 2013, 4:59, 4 replies)

Pearoast...
As a young uncurcumcised boy with perhaps one pubic hair, I remember being told about wanking and had a little fumbling fiddle in bed one night. Problem was that I always had a rather tight foreskin (threeskin maybe?) and after a few minutes of fiddling my foreskin retracted and out popped the bell end. I'd never seen it before and so I thought I'd broken my penis. To my young mind it was like an internal organ such as a kidney finding it's way out of my body. I cried myself to sleep convinced God was punishing this little Catholic for his sins. Woke up the next morning and found 'it' was back to normal.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 2:06, Reply)

When I was a kid, I remember going to the toilet in the night
and dutifully lifting the seat before peeing. But, instead of falling back to rest on the cistern, I hadn't pushed it back properly and after teetering at is balance point, in slow motion, it decided to fall back the way it came and crashed down at terminal velocity sandwiching my toddler willy in between it and the ceramic toilet bowl.

I also zipped my foreskin in my flies once. That hurts. It really does.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 23:09, Reply)

Didnt we have this question a couple of months back?
Anyway, while attempting to spice things up with the then-girlfriend, everyone's favourite toy the video camera came out to play.

Now we all know that the video camera makes things less enjoyable, and that what you end up with at the end is a bad video of two fairly average people having astonishingly dull sex. In an attempt to avoid the latter I may have been a bit er, vigourous.

All of a sudden there's blood everywhere. We stop, naturally assuming that it isn't coming from me I ask if she's alright, the response being "fine, I dont think that's coming from me"

Oh my god does your tumescent penis bleed like a bastard.
(court escaper, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 22:01, 2 replies)

the ballbag incident
While visiting a couple of b3tards in Poland recently, my sizely king edwards unfortunately became the subject of a paparazzi photographer's attention. I don't even know why the junk was on display, but I'm now cowering back in the UK hoping they don't appear on the internet. Which I've been pretty much guaranteed is going to happen...
(PNurse, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 21:46, Reply)

I have a short frenulum so I occasionally experience discomfort during intercourse.
I intend to get it snipped. Does that count?
( ClanSoul, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 21:10, 6 replies)

Slip 'n' slide
During a lovely drunken summer afternoon myself and some friends were having a competition to see who could travel furthest on a slip 'n' slide. I was doing well but someone beat my record and, deciding that this simply wouldn't do, took an irresponsible run up and dive to gain maximum momentum. Unfortunately my balls decided to reposition themselves while I was flying through the air to just beneath my right thigh. Upon impact with the ground my right bollock was pancaked between the floor and my leg. I was in agony for some time, everyone else laughed.

Bastards.

There is video here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T_4VGmFoIw&t=1m51s
(Joey[kins], Wed 13 Mar 2013, 17:42, 3 replies)

Ping!
During my student days in liverpool, after a drunken night out. I'm back at this girls place, and for once shes a looker. Great! But, disaster, no condoms!

She ends up on top dry humping me, rubbing her bits back and forward on the outside of my throbbing, yearning manhood, my hands kneeling her creamy arse for all I'm worth.

After a while I notice a feeling of wet coldness. Lights are off, so I check it out with my fingers, hmm feels a bit tacky..... like blood does.... err whats going on.

Well what was going on was that all the grinding and thrusting had snapped the bit of flesh whose job is to hold my foreskin onto the top of my knob.

When I go to the toilet to check it out, blood is dripping everywhere.

I've borrowed her white dressing gown and when I look down its as if I've been covering up a gunshot wound. I borrow one of her hair scrunchies and half a bog roll of paper to make a field dressing.

Several days feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I've lost too much blood. Wondering if I'll ever be able to wank again.

Makes it easier to clean under the hood though.
(Lucker, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 16:48, 1 reply)

Battle scars galore..
There are really so many, so in chronological order:
1. Woke up one morning, got out of bed and collapsed to my knees with the most excruciating pain in the nads I have ever experienced. Down to quack at 10.00, referred to hospital, on the slab and under the knife for a suspected tortion at 13.00. (It was only an infection.)

2. The next day at a large toy store, bofkin (aged 4) at the top of a slide decides to come down standing up. I am standing at the bottom, he speeds down, flies off the bottom and nuts me in the sack. Back to the hospital for a re-insertion of a loose bollock and stitch replacement.

3. About 1 year later, the decision was taken for the snip. Turned up at clinic and joined the queue. The guy before me was very very nervous. Trying to calm him, I made light by saying that at least he had the enjoyment of having his partner shave him. Nope. He had not even done that... the numpty. I go in and I recognise that is the same surgeon that did the tortion (1 above). Brief chat and in we go. Apart from a slight problem. Having done the right one, he started on the left before the anaesthetic kicked in. As he finishes, "This'll feel cold and this'll feel hot" did not prepare me for just how hot. From cool to sweating like Lee Evans in 5 seconds.
Anyway... all done, I make to leave. Walking through reception I find the guy who was in before me lying on the marble floor. Did he need help? Nope. Could I give him a lift home? Nope, he had a taxi coming. So I left him. Checking the time, I hadn't been out of home for more than an hour so I went for a couple of pints before returning. (I wanted it to look as if I had been through hell and back)

4. Years later and divorced, I meet a younger lady. I'd explained my situation to her re the snip which she accepted it, but watching her with her nephews and nieces, I decided that it was not fair of me to deprive her of something that she would be marvellous at. So 16 years after the cut, I have a reversal.
No problems during the op. Getting home, I told Mrs Bof that the doctor had suggested gentle manipulation of the scrotum and contents for at least an hour a night. Compassionate as she is, every night for 3-4 months Mrs Bof took matters into her own hands whilst I tried very hard not to laugh.
When I did tell her I had lied... she bit me... hard.

I didn't return a sample to check whether it had worked, and after a few years we thought all hope was gone when suddenly a Bofkin was on the horizon. Since then a further Bofkin appeared just before Christmas (2012), and I am thinking of having the reversal reversed.

It is only a piece of your body (OK a sensitive piece) but nothing to get too worked up about. I do know guys who have different experiences, but for me, it is no major deal.

Addition
Just remembered...
5. As a result of Claudication (a blocked artery) in my groin, I needed to have an angioplasty. Duly prepared by Mrs Bof, I go into theatre where the nurse determines that the prep work wasn't good enough and proceeds to dry shave between the sack and the thigh with a scalpel blade. Now that was uncomfortable, and when they tell you during the process that it will feel like you have wet yourself. Yep. You certainly do.
(bof, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 14:33, 11 replies)

From a previous QOTW...
My Ex had one of those Greek style wedding rings (the type with 3 interwoven bands that move around each other). 

Anyhow, one night she was giving me a bit of a hand-shandy, when all of a sudden I felt the most searing pain coming from down below.

The ring had caught my skin in it and with the hand movement, proceeded to rip an inch and a half of skin off of my skin-flute.

It fucking well hurt and bled for a few hours.

I still have the scar =(
( addickted has attained freedom, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 12:55, Reply)

I got kicked in the bollocks once
It was very painful for a couple of minutes but then I was alright.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 12:45, 24 replies)

They're called 'privates' for a reason
and due to recent cutbacks, mine are standing down, so nyah.
(roysin, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 11:22, 1 reply)