I like to eat a lot of little metallic springs, gears, and winders
It tastes awful but it makes me shit like clockwork
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 26 Nov 2018, 4:17, Reply)

the stationary shop just up the road from me has moved!!!

( skullbuggery uh huh! kissed a cow!, Sun 25 Nov 2018, 19:50, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

I want to die like my cousin Mahmud
serene in the sure knowledge that I will have a place in Heaven,
not crying and screaming like the other passengers on the plane.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 25 Nov 2018, 2:47, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

I met my other half at the top end of Oldham Street, Manchester
her mother was working the bottom half.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 22 Nov 2018, 15:48, Reply)

Thom Yorke's dog's got no nose.
How does it smell?

Exceptionally morose.
( bent reznor the brownward spiral, Tue 20 Nov 2018, 12:55, Reply)

I met my other half at an internet cafe
It was love at first site
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Tue 20 Nov 2018, 0:50, Reply)

I met my other half at a shop that only sold metronomes
I guess something between us just clicked.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Sun 18 Nov 2018, 21:52, Reply)

I'm currently reading a book about an immortal pet dog.
It's unputdownable.
( krang, Sat 17 Nov 2018, 7:21, Reply)

I gave my wife a chicken for her birthday but she returned it because it was paltry.
( BorisKarloff is in the back of the classroom forever, Sat 17 Nov 2018, 3:29, Reply)

An uncle of mine once ran a factory that made specialist paper for origami
But it folded.
(jpr74, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 21:05, Reply)

I spent ages struggling to understand popular groups at school, but eventually it just cliqued.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 18:40, Reply)

A man goes into the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head
Doctor says "I've got some cream for that"
(gentleman mongoose the Lion, the Witch & the Robot, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 15:59, Reply)

The catering at the annual lesbian conference was a huge success
Everyone loved the 'all you can eat muffet'
( Pizopop was here, Thu 15 Nov 2018, 18:25, Reply)

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup"
"Apologies sir, but my cock was cold"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 15 Nov 2018, 4:05, Reply)

Freddie's Omelette
I was helping Freddie Mercury in his kitchen. He wanted to make an omelette. I asked him how many eggs he would need, 2 or 3. He just sang out: "I want to break free!"

.
.

I'll get me coat!!
(Victor Victoria, Thu 8 Nov 2018, 23:02, Reply)

I went to that new equine restaurant for a fancy lunch, but it's not for everyone. Horses for courses.
( JimmerUK Everyone's Favourite Jim, Wed 7 Nov 2018, 1:34, Reply)

An Scottish horse, an Irish horse, and a Rabbi horse walk into a bar
They make a bet that they'll try and pick up the next female horse that walks in. A beautiful chestnut filly walks in and orders a campari and soda. The Scottish horse downs its single malt whisky, smooths out its kilt, adjusts its sporran and walks over and stands beside her.
"Neigh!", he says, "Neigh, neigh. Neigh!!!". The preliminaries over, he mounts her and sends a couple of tables tumbling over as he feverishly pumps away, spilling some of the other patrons' pints all over the patterned carpet. To be honest, I don't have punchline for this joke. I probably should have thought of one before I started writing it
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 23:11, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Why do they call it an Xbox 360?
Because you turn 360° and walk away
( $$ ✅, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 19:48, 5 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

A skeleton walks into a pub
He walks up to the bar and says "Pint of lager and a mop please"
(Lord Iffy Boatrace, Thu 1 Nov 2018, 21:19, 3 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

I told this joke to my cats...
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kitties: Meow

Me: To end up on your plate!

Kitties: nyom nyom nyom
(DingoChavez I will be good. I will be good., Wed 31 Oct 2018, 2:32, Reply)

I went to this shop where you still have to ask the shopkeeper for things over the counter...
"Have you got any 60-watt bulbs? I need one for the bedroom, I've got no idea what I'm doing in the dark"
"Screw-in?"
"Like I say, no idea"
(costas, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 19:14, Reply)

Why did the poltergeist not cross the road?
He was trapped on the other side.
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 16:06, Reply)

I tried to have a conversation with a climate change doomsdayer
But he was all MEE, MEE, MEE.
( krang, Sat 27 Oct 2018, 22:03, 1 reply, 7 years ago)

I have Phophobia
I'm irrationally frightened of a Vietnamese soup consisting of broth, rice noodles called bánh phở, a few herbs, and meat, primarily made with either beef or chicken.

It's a curse.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 22 Oct 2018, 15:57, Reply)

What do call the fear of developing a stutter.....
Phophophophobia.
(DrCJBoduma, Sun 21 Oct 2018, 16:50, Reply)

What's the difference between a trip to the hairdressers and having a shit?
At the hairdressers they crimp THEN curl.

I'm not sorry.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Sun 21 Oct 2018, 12:30, Reply)