The Prime Minister has chosen a new Minister for Honey-Producing Insects
Critics have described the move as "bee-tsar"
(definitelynotdan definitely not, Sat 22 Sep 2018, 0:08, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What did Super Mario's French teacher say when Mario mispronounced the word for "friend"?
It's "ami," Mario!
(definitelynotdan definitely not, Sat 22 Sep 2018, 0:04, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

An Englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
and the barman says "what'll it be gents"
Englishman - 'I'll have a pint of fisted goblin, 4.6 ABV, golden colour with citrus undertones"
Irishman - "I'll have a pint of Guinness and a Bushmills chaser"
Scotsman - "I'll have a er...erm...a lime and soda"
Toby and Patrick both turn to Hamish and say "you'll have what?"
Hamish - "Sorry, what were you expecting? Just because I am from Scotland you expect me to be some stereotype drunken scot? Are you expecting me to order Tenants super and a bottle of buckfast just to live up to an outdated and untrue image of the Scots as alcoholics? Shame on you. For your information I like lime and soda. Also I am skint at the moment as I spent all my dole money on smack."
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Fri 21 Sep 2018, 23:39, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Which character in Othello was also known as 'best of three' down the pub?
Desremoaner.
( Yoofaloof 'I like it here, wherever it is...', Thu 20 Sep 2018, 15:45, Reply)

Couple talking dirty to each other over the phone.
Man: I take my manhood out end tell you to "get on your knees"

Woman: ooooh, ya! say it in a husky voice

Man: Okay. Arff, Arff, Arff, Arff, Arff!
( I F Hobo then {steal bindle}, Tue 18 Sep 2018, 15:59, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

The teacher asks the class what historic landmark would represent them
Sally puts her hand up first and says, "I'd be St Pauls Cathedral. It stayed standing proud in the Blitz when times were darkest, and symbolised hope to all Londoners"
"An excellent choice, Sally", says the teacher
Sundeep put's his hand up next, "I'd be stonehenge, Miss. It showed great resilience by lasting thousands of years, and contains ancient wisdom"
Finally, the teacher asks Billy what he'd be.
"I'd be Big Ben in the afternoon", he replies.
"And why's that, Billy?"
"Because I've just had three bongs"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 18 Sep 2018, 12:07, Reply)

naff dad jokes
did you hear the one about the stupid bloke that was so stupid he thought that an algorithm was a former American vice president playing drums?, stupid..
(willowman1970 all my t-shirts are star wars t-shirts, Mon 17 Sep 2018, 23:54, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

my little sister
used to tell bizarre kangaroo-based jokes as a kid. i think the weirdest one was: "why did the kangaroo cross the road? because he wanted to go to the shop and buy a pot noodle and cook it in his brains to make his brains go wiggly"
then she laughed for a solid ten minutes , whilst we looked on, bewildered.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 17 Sep 2018, 15:21, Reply)

What's got seven legs and fucks chickens?
I don't know. What do I look like, David Attenborough?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 16 Sep 2018, 9:21, Reply)

Sad news about Shakin' Stevens....
...he's got Parkinson's...
( Happosai _,,,,_(O ; o)_,,,, Sat 15 Sep 2018, 22:17, Reply)

How does Batman's mum tell him his dinner is ready?
She doesn't, she was murdered!!!
( Happosai _,,,,_(O ; o)_,,,, Sat 15 Sep 2018, 22:12, Reply)

Nigel Kennedy,
he was a kiddie fiddler...
( Happosai _,,,,_(O ; o)_,,,, Sat 15 Sep 2018, 22:10, Reply)

What's got 6 legs, three eyes and smells of fish?
Two three-legged one-eyed cats and half a kipper
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 14 Sep 2018, 16:30, Reply)

Written by an autistic friend who loves jokes.
Why did the fish sink? .......Because it was a brick.
(Shashi, Mon 10 Sep 2018, 21:26, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

I've started going out with Arsenal's Pauline Peyraud-Magnin
She's a keeper.
( unclepills, Mon 10 Sep 2018, 20:18, Reply)

Oldies are the best
1 - I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith
2 - How does he smell?
1 - I've no eye-deer
(Gruffly, Sun 9 Sep 2018, 13:58, Reply)

I like satire because I have a Juvenal sense of humour.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Fri 7 Sep 2018, 17:57, Reply)

I went to the cinema the other day
The film was about a vegetable that turned to a life of crime.

Despicable Pea.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Thu 6 Sep 2018, 21:21, Reply)

They say the secret of comedy is timing...
Which probably explains why my audiences keep looking at their watches.
(WholeGrain Using the same sig since, Thu 6 Sep 2018, 21:01, Reply)

I've been invited to come on Celebrity Masturbate.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Thu 6 Sep 2018, 19:57, Reply)

What idiot called it an airline meal instead of snacks on a plane?

( rob, Tue 4 Sep 2018, 11:15, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Please help!
I'm trying to find an online tutorial for advanced makeup techniques, but all I can find are foundation courses...
( Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 22:24, Reply)

The winner of the funniests.
When Arnold Chegwin was a young man, he decided that he wanted to be a pub.
He loved the pub after spending time in his local, "The Queen's Arms". 'I'd love to be a pub', he would think.
With a roaring fire and everybody inside me laughing away...

As time passed and he grew older, he settled on running a pub rather than actually being one.
He purchased "The Painted Duck", in Chelmsford and very well he ran it too, with his loyal wife Cathy. Eventually, Cathy would bare him, three beautiful children. Joyce, Janice and Roy. Janice sadly drowned in a pond swimming at eleven and Joyce moved to New Zealand with a man called Taylor, which left Roy to run the pub, as he entered his teens and Arnold could no longer perform the tasks needed.
Roy didn't much like the pub, he thought it was too loud, too smoky and too much like hard work. However, after time, and with little skills to find other work, he did eventually take to it and took over the pub from his father. Roy had a reputation as a miserable landlord, but his wife Alice was good fun if somewhat a lush. Roy and Alice had only one son. Keith was a quiet boy, a bit slow for his age, but kind and with a cheeky face, that he kept on his head.
Keith and his grandfather were very close.
One day Arnold Chegwin heard a story he was all too familiar with, young Keith sat on his lap on the sofa in the snug at the pub he had once run and said 'grandad, when I grow up, I want to be a pub!' Arnold smiled at Keith, 'I want to be a big happy pub and have people smiling and shouting and laughing inside me' Keith sang. Small tears formed in Arnold's blue eyes and he hugged his beautiful grandson.
'Now Keith you must listen to me, when you grow up, you'll inherit this pub from your daddy, you can run this pub and be in here all the time, but I'm afraid you can never actually BE a pub my lad'
Keith looked a little upset then queried 'why grandad? Why can I not be a pub?'
'... because Cheggers can't be boozers!' he shouted into the terrified lad's face.
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 13:36, Reply)

Old users! How do you upset a millennial?
Give them your mortgage repayment date.
( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Sun 2 Sep 2018, 17:40, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

I wrote this two years ago, but it will apply again in two years:
What has an orange face, is seedy and rotten inside, and needs to be tossed out in November?
( RedHouse over yonder, Sun 2 Sep 2018, 17:12, Reply)

Thanks to the UK's economy, there's now a growing trend of giving lettuce instead of money to waiting staff.
I fear it's just the tip of the Iceberg.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 31 Aug 2018, 10:39, Reply)

What's the scariest part of the human body?
The BOObs!
(Huw Edwards #notalljews, Wed 29 Aug 2018, 15:32, Reply)

Looking for recommendations for a Corrective Plastic Surgeon...
any suggestions I'm all ears!
( Boris Johnson's Press Secretary, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 18:26, Reply)