Something's been bugging me all day.


This concealed recording device I just found hidden under my desk.
(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Sun 28 Nov 2021, 19:41, Reply)

A man walks into a pub, and takes from his pocket a 12" high man who plays a tiny piano. Barman asks "Where'd you get him, then". Man replies "It's a mate of mine - he's got primordial dwarfism"
(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Sun 28 Nov 2021, 19:41, Reply)

Which popular reggae singer performs dressed as Widow Twankey?

Panto Banton!
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Sun 28 Nov 2021, 16:54, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

What's the opposite of distilled water?

Diagitated water.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Thu 25 Nov 2021, 13:23, Reply)

What did Dennis the Menace call his chocolate-coloured dog?

Ganacher!!!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 23 Nov 2021, 12:31, Reply)

Fallon Sherrock.
Nice to finally see a darts player with small tits.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Fri 19 Nov 2021, 13:27, 3 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

What song did ABBA write about getting trapped in a barn in Malmö and only surviving by eating cow vomit?
Thank you for the moo-sick
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 17 Nov 2021, 20:58, Reply)

Did you know that Thunberg lass was only in Glasgow talking up climate change so she could win local municipal winter services contracts more cheaply?
she's just launched Greta Gritters Greater Gretna
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 17 Nov 2021, 1:46, 3 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

Schrödingers pants:
hoping that it was just a wet fart
( artifus is doing it all wrong, Tue 16 Nov 2021, 21:37, Reply)

What's Marty McFly's favourite racecourse?
Haydock (Hey, Doc)
(GaryRusson, Fri 12 Nov 2021, 20:07, 4 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

I've got a cold. Just an old-fashioned cold
It's a retrovirus.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 11 Nov 2021, 9:21, Reply)

A Crap Joke
Please DO NOT try to commit suicide by overdosing on laxatives.

It's a shitty way to die.
( Yamon Benny Harvey. RIP., Tue 9 Nov 2021, 22:57, Reply)

what low value metal objects are the greatest threat to the future of the human race?
Climate change.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 9 Nov 2021, 18:18, Reply)

Which freshly-deceased popular reggae singer asked for artificial grass to be placed on his grave?

AstroTurf!!!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Sun 7 Nov 2021, 17:25, Reply)

Why does Arnold Rimmer have his kitchen fitted out with Italian designer appliances?
Because he's a Smeg head!
(Martin Anus, Sun 7 Nov 2021, 16:04, Reply)

What's Stevie Nicks' favourite conspiracy theory?
Qaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanon
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Fri 5 Nov 2021, 11:13, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

What do you call a cow that you think you have seen before but you haven't
Deja Moo
( notoolsovernight you're all luvvly an' 'orrible, Fri 5 Nov 2021, 10:43, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

What did Stevie Nicks say when she was asked
how many large South American flightless birds she kept at home?

"Rhea? None!"
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Fri 5 Nov 2021, 7:49, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

What's the difference between Bono and anal sex in a public convenience?
One's noisy, and a painful arsehole. The other is anal sex in a public convenience.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 3 Nov 2021, 12:59, 4 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

If cattle egrets are birds that often spend time close to livestock,
what do you call them when they leave the livestock?

Cattle egress!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 2 Nov 2021, 15:42, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

What's the difference between a Bonio and anal sex in a public convenience?
One's a dog biccy. The other is a bog dickie.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Mon 1 Nov 2021, 0:12, Reply)

Why are a wolf's eyes made of eggs, milk and flour?
"All the batter to see you with, my dear!"

Sorry that I don't feel bad about this.
(mcfirkin, Sun 31 Oct 2021, 18:18, Reply)

Bought an album recently. All songs about bedspreads and pillowcases
They were all covers.

Also got an album themed around police officers pretending to be regular members of the public.

They were all undercovers.

Went to a nightclub recently, they gave me a bedspread on paying for admission.

There was a cover charge.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Sat 30 Oct 2021, 18:34, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

How many b3tans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to fill the socket, and the other to screw his balls in place.
(AnonymousFrog Comment on my flies, Sat 30 Oct 2021, 6:48, Reply)

Which rap group walked this way quickly to the toilet?
Runs DMC
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 28 Oct 2021, 22:38, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

The current global pandemic was originally thought to have arisen after a virus passed from bats to humans. However recent evidence suggest that it may actually have originated in crows!
Scientists have therefore suggested that we now refer to it as CORVID-19!

ahahaha
ahahahahahahhaha
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Wed 27 Oct 2021, 23:37, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

What do you call the spasming sensation
that results from mistakenly inserting a traction device which is usually attached to footwear during ice climbing instead of a sanitary product designed to absorb blood and vaginal secretions during menstruation?

Crampon!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 26 Oct 2021, 16:04, Reply)

What did The Village People exclaim upon hearing about the death of their favourite Beastie Boy?
WHY MC A!?!
(Damien Hurts just forgot a really good idea, Sun 24 Oct 2021, 22:26, Reply)

I love illegally squatting in cattle sheds...

I could do it till the cows come home.
(Max Harvey, Sat 23 Oct 2021, 8:59, Reply)