I went to the doctor with a swelling in my bum.

"Hmmm," said the doctor, "that'll need to be operated on. Unfortunately, the waiting list for this procedure is 20 years."

"I don't think I can be that patient," I said.

"Now, now, don't put yourself down," the doctor replied. "Of course you can be. All you need to do is lie face down and let us do the rest."
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Wed 9 Mar 2022, 16:25, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What's a pair of courgettes' favourite 80s sci-fi show?
The Two-Marrow People
( krang, Mon 7 Mar 2022, 7:44, Reply)

what do bats and cats have in common?
ats
( bigshape like a glove!, Mon 7 Mar 2022, 7:42, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

"Did you hear about that Australian cricketer dying this month?"
"Marsh?"
"Yes, I think his name was Shame Warne"
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 4 Mar 2022, 22:45, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

"Did you hear about that Australian cricketer dying? Something or other Warne"
"oh, that's a shame"

"Yeah, that's the fella"
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 4 Mar 2022, 14:18, Reply)

My dog's got no no nose.
He don't love me, and I know now.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 3 Mar 2022, 6:38, Reply)

My dog's got no nodes
How does it swell?
Terribly!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 2 Mar 2022, 19:03, Reply)

My dog has no dictionary.
How does it spell terrible?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 1 Mar 2022, 1:04, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What did the Lone Ranger do when he got cancer?
Kemosabetherapy
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 28 Feb 2022, 13:06, Reply)

What did Kurt Cobain say when he went to see a proctologist from Pickering?
"Here we are now/Enter 't anus!"
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Fri 25 Feb 2022, 15:44, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What is Justin Timberlake's favourite waterway in Russian-occupied Ukraine?

Crimea River.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Fri 25 Feb 2022, 7:18, Reply)

Which genocidal dictator has blood composed entirely of a traditional Irish distilled beverage?

Vladimir Poitín!!!!!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 24 Feb 2022, 8:27, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

what did the current Russian President's ex-wife, Lyudmila Aleksandrovna Ocheretnaya, say to her husband when she wanted to have sex?
put in
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Wed 23 Feb 2022, 16:23, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What do you get when your pour wine on jewelery?
Wining And Diamond.
(FrenchBoast, Sun 20 Feb 2022, 15:53, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Ive been watching the women's biathalon at the winter olympics, but so far I've only seen them with other women

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 15 Feb 2022, 12:40, 8 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What's dark brown and infested with Rodents?
Richard Gere's Arsehole
(FrenchBoast, Sun 13 Feb 2022, 19:40, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Worst joke I know.
What’s pink and smells of Holly?

Ian Huntley’s cock.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Sat 12 Feb 2022, 19:37, 5 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Where exactly is Fatboy Slim on the internet?
Right Here, Right Now!
(FrenchBoast, Wed 9 Feb 2022, 21:33, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What do you get if you cross a West Ham defender with a cougar?
A hurt puma
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Tue 8 Feb 2022, 23:20, 7 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What do you call A taliban with learning difficulties?
Mentally Bin Laden.
(FrenchBoast, Tue 8 Feb 2022, 21:50, 7 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Which inexplicably popular radio presenter doesn't 'get' b3ta in-jokes?

RIS Evans!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 8 Feb 2022, 9:55, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What did the staff and customers at Cheers shout every time the tastiest cast member entered?
"NOM!"
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 7 Feb 2022, 10:51, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Why does no one like Elvis Costello's solo work on YouTube?
Because they can't just see the attractions.
( krang, Mon 7 Feb 2022, 10:01, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

"My dog has no nose so we reconstructed it using cartilage from my ears"
"How does it smell?"
"Sorry, what was that?"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 7 Feb 2022, 0:29, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

I once did some work on the side for Stanley Kubrick
Moonlighting?

Yes, but don't tell the conspiracy theorists!
(electricgoose, Sun 6 Feb 2022, 8:44, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

How can you tell that a midwife is a Feminist?
When it's a girl, she hands it to you.

But when it's a boy, she throws it out of the window.
(FrenchBoast, Sat 5 Feb 2022, 10:32, 5 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Goth / nose
My goth has no nose

No nose! But how do they smell?

Of patchouli
(Moogster31, Fri 4 Feb 2022, 18:58, 4 replies, latest was 2 years ago)