My First Experience of the InternetWe remember when this was all fields, and lived a furtive life of dial-up modems and dodgy newsgroups. Tell us about how you came to love the internets.
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Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 11:56)
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Snakes on a Plane...The story of my first actual introduction to the internet is for another time. I will however, mention when I first had it installed in my house, because I threw a bit of a bash...and invited some of the more sophisticated and suave members of my formidable social circle to indulge in the cultural significance and general magnificence of my new cutting-edge status.
To this day I believe I must surely qualify for some sort of 'land speed record*' between the official connection of a broadband line and a group of half mutant, very pissed up twats entering the words: 'big gay porn' into a search engine, purely for the reason of leaving frankly hilarious pictures all over my desktop and filling up my hard drive with slowmo videos of fellas bumming.
However, a far more interesting 'Intro to t'interwebz' story involves my dad. Despite being so old that he witnessed the big bang first hand, he positively embraced this groundbreaking new information superhighway and demanded it...fucking sharpish.
At the time, the Internet seemed in it's opening throes; more 'Morse code' than 'source code', but my techno-tastic pater plunged in straggly-nose-hair first, hooking up with possibly the most pathetic and overpriced dial up connection this side of AOL.
He had a reason for such enthusiasm, for he was a man with a mission. He needed knowledge.
Bit of back story: My Dad used to reside in a little village on the outskirts of Coventry. A few weeks previously, The daft old fart had been walking his dog near the local woods when he saw...a snake. a fucking SNAKE! Slithering about in the undergrowth without a care in the world like an offcut from Medusa's latest trim 'n' blowdry.
It was at this point when my Dad launched spectacularly into 'Indiana Jones' mode. Unfortunately, I don't mean he adopted an 'heroic archaeologist persona', no. Instead he merely resembled 'some bloke who wears way too much brown, and pappers his kex at the first sign of anything remotely serpent-y'.
Although he was aware of the existence of such scaly shitwads in the British Isles, he had never properly seen one like this...in the wild, in the Midlands, and more importantly, in the middle of his fucking dog walking route. My Dad is a worldly wise, knowledgeable chap, and was aware of adders etc being seen slinking around these parts. However, this forked-tongued little twatbuckler didn't look anything like one of those. So the mystery deepend: What was this particular species? Was it a pet that had escaped? Why wasn't the dog trying to hump it to death like he does with everything else? How did Dad manage to refrain from flailing his arms around and running home like a big sissy girl?
Keeping his massive phobia in check, he continued to peer at the little bollocks as it hissed dismissively at him. He stared on, in an effort to memorise as much detail as he could about it...because one day soon...he would have the AWESOME INTERNET!, and the power of all knowledge would be at his two-words-per-minute fingertips.
The fateful day arrived, and just a few short hours later we were ready to rock, thanks to a phone-socket splitter gizmo and 30-metre extension cable from the phone point dragged through the house to the room where his PC lived (that incidentally looked like it was mostly constructed from a mixture of Meccano and stone, was hamster powered, and was originally designed by Charles Babbage).
He connected the computer up to the modem...it fired into life like a Boeing 747 with a deafening whirr of fans, clunky hard drives, and no doubt pistons, valves and wotnot.
Minutes pass by...manuals and installation discs came and went, until eventually he hit defcon bongle. He was on the motherfucking INTERNET!
I think it was Netscape he was using - and I don't even think Google was his search engine, but still, none of us could contain our excitement at having eternal global wisdom at our disposal. There was a moment of silence before I spoke:
"What should we look up?" I enquire, breathless with anticipation.
My Dad's mind wisely wandered to his earlier dog-walking experience and he smiled. "I know just the thing, boy...", he exclaimed authoritatively as he cracked his knuckles at the keyboard. Slowly but confidently, he then proceeded to make history and type the very first words he was to ever enter onto the majesty of the world wide web.
Tentatively, he tapped away. The first word was 'Large'. This was enough to get our imaginations racing.
The second word however, was slightly more ominous. 'Black'. Hmmmmm.
Then he typed the third word. 'Snake'.
'Large Black Snake'...
...
Ooooooh fuckeroo.
Even in the internet's infancy, it didn't seem to take too long for my old man's mighty 14" CRT monitor to nearly buckle under the strain of the sheer, non-stop volume of cockshots that began pouring onto it...each one being overlapped by different yet equally girthed young gentlemen, swinging their massively-endowed wares in front of my entire family's eyes.
Dad stayed calm, composed, and dignified. Actually...no he didn't. "Fucking FUCK!" He screeched, as he recoiled in horror. "What the fucking hell?" Eventually he woefully pleaded: "Son, How do you make the fucking cocks STOP???" as he waved his fist at the screen and bashed haplessly against the keyboard, praying to the web-gods that there could be some overseeing internet overlord who could 'magic away' the persistant stream of love truncheons being proudly paraded in front of us all like an out-of-hand audition for 'Cock-idol'.
We all walked away and left him to it.
However, to his great credit, he didn't let this experience put him off (as I said, he was on a mission). A few days later, he approached me, beaming triumphantly. "It took me 3 days son...3 days of trawling through seemingly never-ending nob pictures and ropey gay porn sites...but I finally found out what type of snake I saw when walking the dog". Unfortunately I now can't remember what species he told me it was, but I can vividly remember what I said next:
"Was it worth it Dad?" I enquired.
He paused thoughtfully for a second. "Not really, no." He replied, somewhat despondently.
*I admit, I didn't have a stopwatch at the time, but from my recollection it took about 0.00000008 of a second.
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 23 Mar 2012, 20:34,
14 replies)
If the missus & daughter wake upbecause of my sniggering you're in big trouble bucko!
(, Fri 23 Mar 2012, 20:54, closed)
Now that's...fucking funny!
(, Fri 23 Mar 2012, 21:43, closed)
This QOTW is full of win™ again.(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 23 Mar 2012, 22:08,
closed)
Cheered up my Saturday morning!I can just imagine the scene, Fricking hilarious!!
(, Sat 24 Mar 2012, 9:24, closed)
Thank fuck for that!Finally somebody has remembered the remit of QOTW and posted a funny, relevant story instead of streams of retro-technobabble about old machines that nobody gives a fuck about.
Well done. Click.
(, Sat 24 Mar 2012, 11:44, closed)
^What they said^I had pretty much written off this week's QOTW but my limited faith in humanity may yet be salvageable. Click
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number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 24 Mar 2012, 14:28,
closed)
^^^^^ What Spunk Bubble said. ^^^^^(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 25 Mar 2012, 20:30,
closed)
Oh BTWIt'll be a Grass Snake.
Saw one of these swimming, actually fucking swimming, in the New River. Gliding across the water like some serpentine Jesus Christ. It was the most astonishing sight.
(, Sat 24 Mar 2012, 23:57, closed)
You might be right...But I'm sure he said it was something else.
Bugger, I'm going to have to phone him now and find out.
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Mar 2012, 12:34,
closed)
Have a click......for "how do you make the fucking cocks STOP???"
Induced an uncontrollable wide-mouthed shoulder-curling snort of a laugh. Hooray!
(, Sun 25 Mar 2012, 2:17, closed)
Winnah!just cos this QOTW has been such a sea of dross so far that this stands out head and shoulders above the rest.
*clicks*
(, Sun 25 Mar 2012, 10:38, closed)
Bergamot beat me to it but had already copied the line- Eventually he woefully pleaded: "Son, How do you make the fucking cocks STOP??? Thanks for cheering up a tired broken first thing on an otherwise dull as fuck Monday morning....Brilliance has been restored to QOTW!!! Well done PF!
(, Mon 26 Mar 2012, 9:47, closed)
Have a click PooflakeAnother winner
(, Mon 26 Mar 2012, 12:43, closed)
*click*Have the click this so deserves Poofers.. Hilarious
(, Mon 26 Mar 2012, 16:51, closed)
pI,m here with pooflake and captain placid they made me vote polnting a big
Black snake hith hith.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 14:08, closed)
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