Sarah Beeny - Property Developer, Media Whore, Dating Guru...
I once tried Beeny's website where your mates 'sell' you to prospective birds/blokes by writing a paragraph or two highlighting your best features. My mates James wrote a bit of blurb, with the best line being - 'Mr Fudge's best body part is his nipples'.

Now I don't know what is wrong with you ladies, but I was literally inundated with err.. some emails asking for photos of my chest bulls-eyes. I mean you all have tits that you can look at in the mirror, lube up and play with, and yet you want to see my hairy moobs? It's just weird. Anyway, one message in particular leaps to mind...

From a 47yr old, HUUUGE divorced single mum of three from Stockport (I am 31 and live in London).

It simply read, 'We have something in common. My best features are my nips too. Though you won't get to see them when we meet up. Unless you buy me dinner first. ;-)

I'm seeing her this weekend. As far as I'm concerned, any hole's a goal, even though after three kids, it'll be like throwing a sausage down a corridor. Wish me luck!
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 17:01, 17 replies)

Not necessarily. If she's delivered them out the sun roof she might have a mimsy like a mouse's ear.
(DubstepBetty Down wiv der kids since 1972, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 17:03, closed)

chances are it'll be more like a ripped-out fireplace...

( Sallyrsm, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 17:06, closed)

ahahahahaha, there goes my coffee over the keyboard!

(anvil, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 17:20, closed)

^^ I nearly choked on my tea when I read that...

(repooc, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 17:20, closed)

^^^ This. ^^^

(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 20 Oct 2011, 17:45, closed)

stealing that
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 20:37, closed)

If you're going to fuck my mum
Can you not write about it on b3ta first?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 18:37, closed)

Would you prefer that I update you after?

(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 10:26, closed)

Better
Thank you.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 13:45, closed)

there is also the chance
she's been doing her kegel's and could just turn your grubby little lump of carbon into a diamond.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Fri 21 Oct 2011, 2:12, closed)

Tie a plank across your arse so you don't fall in.
Yes, I've seen Porky's
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 10:36, closed)

Best prepare
To do the wall of death. I bet it looks like an abatoir floor
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 10:51, closed)

Ha ha ha ha ha!!
Thanks for the tip. Sound advice to be sure.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 12:29, closed)

£5 says it looks like a cross between the Sarlacc Pit and a Butcher's Dustbin.
(Narcotic Monkey Neither a narcotic nor a monkey., Fri 21 Oct 2011, 10:57, closed)

It'll look like a Bulldog eating porridge...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 21 Oct 2011, 12:40, closed)

Hmmm
If she's on it'll look like Gaddafis face circa yesterday afternoon!
(Womble Lover Is in the corner kicking the cat, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 12:44, closed)

as a mother of three
I resemble that

you probably do not know how to wriggle your worm properly when you get it in there any way
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 22:49, closed)