FAT KIDS = RENEWABLE ENERGY?
Here's an idea. Let's solve two of the country's problems with one solution.

We have too many fat kids. And when I say 'fat,' I mean 'revolting.' Some of these buggers are just unfathomable mounds of round, sagging blubber by the age of six, and if it weren't for their many chins you wouldn't be able to tell which way up they're supposed to be standing.

We also have an energy crisis. With a shortage of fossil fuels - not to mention a need to reduce emissions - a dislike of nuclear power and a lack of good spots to put wind farms, we're stuck between a rock and a spent duracell.

Solution? Hook some treadmills up to the national grid and make the porky little buggers run. PE lessons don't teach you anything these days anyway, so why not spend the time giving the little bleeders the exercise they need? Fit the treadmills with some nice, efficient little dynamos and let them do it in shifts. Hey presto! Electricity from fat kids*.


An alternative method - for which I should thank The Oscillating Gibbon - is to solve two international problems at once and feed our obese kids to the starving kids in Africa. That one's a bit more difficult to argue ethically, though.

*_{Well, it's easier and more ethical than converting the old coal-fired power stations to burn fat kids.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:44, 24 replies)

I like
that it's only "a bit" more ethically dubious to feed the kids to starving people elsewhere!
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:48, closed)

You wouldn't need to feed
all of them to the starving children, just an arm, leg, or maybe a (bingo) wing?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:51, closed)

What if
You just removed the bits they didn't need and used them as food?

Use a nice laser scalpel and it'll seal the wounds right up...
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:52, closed)

I agree, Bert...
...I reckon an obese ten-year-old is probably sufficient to feed an African family for a week.

Think of all the fat, though - it must make for excellent crackling...

EDIT: Yes, I think the Penguin's definitely onto something there. That way we wouldn't have to transport the whole child to Africa and would drastically reduce the carbon footprint of having to airlift the porker over there.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:53, closed)

^
K2k6 has a big laser. He was offering its use for sterilisation purposes.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:54, closed)

Excellent
It could be advertised as "free weight loss surgery".
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:55, closed)

B3ta:
Solving the world's problems, one at a time.

What's next?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:56, closed)

How about
A solution for uggos homelessness?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:01, closed)

Feeding obese kids to starving kids
That would be ethically difficult! I mean think of the hugh levels of fat and cholesterol you'd be putting into the starving people's diets! They'd die of heart attacks before the age of 12 (as opposed to hunger by 3, so it IS a marginal improvement I guess)!

And to solve homelessness, redefine "home" to "wherever your ass sits". Or "where the heart is". Then they'll all be fine!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:01, closed)

As an uggo myself
I'd have to say the cure for that would be to tear out the eyes of anybody who complains.

As for homelessness, see Kaol's enforced sterilisation post, or possibly genocide.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:02, closed)

@Uberdeity
By 'marginal' I take it you mean 400%, which is a pretty good improvement to be honest.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:03, closed)

@Penguin re: Homelessness
The hungry could always eat the homeless as a starter.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:06, closed)

Sexmonkey
having just noticed your sig about "Is trying to get his Mrs into S&M Tuesday" - sweetie, you don't try, you tell her. Forcibly.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:08, closed)

@CHCB
Oh... I see.
Here I am, tied to the bed, gagged and blindfolded, begging her to beat me with a broom.
I couldn't have got it more wrong.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:11, closed)

if you're begging for it
and she's not doing it, then she's even better at sadism than you could've hoped.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:14, closed)

God-damn
I need someone for the "M", badly.
I'm well up for the "S"...

*laments*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:18, closed)

*whips*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:21, closed)

@Penguin
Well, yeah. But it's not exactly enough time to absorb the knowledge of their elders, get a decent knowledge of the land themselves, have kids AND pass on knowledge to them is it? So generation after generation (and with a 12-year lifespan that's pretty quick cycling through generations) you lose more and more information. Which could very easily be worse for the community than them simply dying young.
And being grossly overweight from fat-kid eating would be even more of a disadvantage.

Conversely, a modern [sub]urban way of life is relatively free of problems- it's considered "fighting for food" by some if there's a line at Tesco or a "warzone" if someone knifes someone else. So little tubby Timmy the fat kid will survive longer and will be able to absorb the knowledge of his elders, learn about their surroundings and possibly even father and teach a child to continue on the cycle. So there's no net loss of knowledge or increase of dependance on hand-outs as time goes by.

This is also why the rich/poor divide will naturally increase with time; the rich can afford better training and normally a more focussed life (none of the hassles of budgeting or having particularly good timekeeping) whereas the poor have to work harder to keep themselves from making a net skills/knowledge-loss generation upon generation. And because us westerners have put in place a decent foundation for learning- women and men both able to learn essentially as we see fit, for example- we'll continue to prosper.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:05, closed)

I don't think my laser
would seal the wounds. It's more likely to vaporise the flesh. But not in an energy efficient way, unfortunately.

Good for sterlisation though, as CHBC says.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:23, closed)

@K2K6
Just how powerful IS this laser of yours?!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:29, closed)

^
Depends on the pulse duration and the focusing. It's possible to get up to the billions of watts per square cm. Very briefly.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:37, closed)

I have a rather ineffectual
class 2 laser. You'd have to get someone to stand very, very still for a couple of hours before the temperature went up a degree or two.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:42, closed)

But I bet
they play some excellent tunes while they are heating up.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

@K2K6


Well, I think I'd probably fry my little Wicked Laser attempting anywhere near that for even the shortest length of time.

Bah, you've outgunned both my Shark and my Dalek (150mW reds, burn through Floppy Disks and etches stuff so they're good enough to show to people who've only ever seen a small red pointer).
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)