Lies Your Parents Told you
My dad kept telling me that if I told the police I would get taken away and put into care where horrible boys would do much worse things to me. This was a blatant lie. It was him that got 7 years in jail and now me and mummy live happily ever after.
(Burt Reynolds, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 10:20, Reply)

Lejjy
When I was about 5 my grandfather told me that lejjy was jelly without crunchy bones in it and that if we were eating "ordinary" jelly we should watch out for the bones – I now think that what he was getting at was that jelly is made with gelatine but “his” vegetarian jelly was made without gelatine – when I ask my kids now whether they would like some lejjy they look at me as if I am mad. I probably am.
(SiTrMo, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 9:33, Reply)

Not my parents......
but a scoutmaster, when I were a lad, several hundred years ago, we were camping in North Wales & we were told that because the stream flowed so quickly over so many rocks, the friction heated the water and made it comfortable for swimming......guess which naive & very gullible young scout dived straight in.
(slushpuppyonastick, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 8:56, Reply)

Lightning
Similar to Dogtanians and R. Jimlad's

I was always told that thunder & lightning was the little baby Jesus jumping up and down to reach the light switch but not quite reaching. When he flicked the switch that was the lightning and when he landed was the thunder!

I also used to believe that God ws called Harold (in a similar way to Harold from neighbours I suppose) because of the lords prayer... you know

Our Father who art in heaven
Harold be thy name.. etc.
(_earwaxuk_, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 8:12, Reply)

The Curse of Age
My dear old Nan, who seems to be going battier with each passing year, has dropped a fair few clangers in her time... but Christmas this year became all the more of a hoot when she announced to us that she was glad that nobody has received Wine Gums, Jelly Babies or Liquorice All-Sorts for Christmas, and that she never wanted us to buy them again.

"Is this because of Grandad's diabetes Nan?" I asked, innocently. "No." came the terse yet sincere reply. "If you buy those sweets you're helping Osama Bin Laden. He owns the factories, and the profits go directly to the Taliban."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhht.

I didn't have the heart to tell her, as she wolfed down her family-sized chocolate bar, that Cadburys are owned by the self-same confectionary group as the others...
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 8:00, Reply)

This one was awful
As a small annoying sprog of a child I was completely enthralled by the simple pleasures of ice cream. So much so, in fact, that I was known in our village as the ice cream van chasing boy.

My mother decided to counter this by telling me that when the ice cream van went past with it's nasty horrible jingly tune playing and damaging our inner ears, that the song meant the ice cream man had run out of ice cream!

I did in fact believe this until I was 17 because no-one saw fit to tell me otherwise.


My sister was also told that if she opened the car window she would get sucked out just like in an aeroplane.
(_earwaxuk_, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 7:55, Reply)

It's all safe dear...
My mom told me the insecticide and herbicide were all safe - go run and play in the spray son!! Oh yeah, and they had no part in some sod doctor chopping off my foreskin either. Damn, I needed that!
(posterboyforcharm, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 3:41, Reply)

the car can fly.
they told me this years ago, when i was too small to see out of the car window properly. i didn't understand how cars got up onto the bridges which went over the road as they were clearly not at ground level. rather than tell me the truth my parents told me that every car had a button which made it able to fly onto the bridges and then fly back down to the road.
this caused problems when i started driving lessons.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 3:04, Reply)

31 references to ice cream vans
hmm, maybe i should get back to physics revision
(Fantastic Mr Porter is bored, and wishes it was, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 2:28, Reply)

Algebra formula
not my parents but, i told my, lets say, academically challenged brother that in his maths final, if he got an algebra question, x=1, y=2 and z=3 for any that had those letters. He is now 28 and earns about 100 per week. How bad do I feel? Not at all, he has a very very fit girlfriend who looks like beyonce.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 0:05, Reply)

Vet's Gloves
We got took camping when we were kids - and being in the country was a bit like being in All Creatures Great and Small... bear with me.

"Look mum - I've found a vet's glove"

Wearing a used condom on my hand found in the grass near a neighbouring caravan.
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 23:33, Reply)

Younger siblings are great
OK, well great fun to torture. My whole family got behind telling my baby sister that she was from Mars. The proof, her eyes were so dark you couldn't see the pupil and all us "humans" had dots in our eyes. The child believed it till she was about 6-7 and would even go around telling people that's where she was from, much to our ammusement.
(spicyjalebi, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 23:16, Reply)

Stolen Computer
My dad came in from work one day and gave me a bin-liner with a computer inside for me to try out.

Well - I couldn't get it to work, and there was a crack in the case at the front of the keyboard.

I must have overheard something they were saying, because I went into the kitchen and explained that it didn't work...

"Yes, and there was a crack in the case as well, probably when it fell off the back of that lorry you were talking about"
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:51, Reply)

Why people had 2.4 children
A little knowledge can be a bad thing. After they tried sex-education in junior school as an experiment when I was 11, I developed this theory about the purpose of testicles that superseded my previous theory (See my earlier thread "Boy Thoughts").

When a man put his penis inside a lady's belly - the end would come off inside her and join up with her egg.

The end would then be replaced by one of the 'spares' in the scrotum.

Hence two or three kids.
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:47, Reply)

Fish & Chips
After our dad treated us to Fish & Chips from the chippy for the first time as kids, the next time my mum told me she was going to be making fish and chips herself, I refused, saying I preferred the ones from the shops.

Later, after eating my fish and chips that my dad had gone out especially to get me - they told me they had just wrapped my mums up in newspaper. Grr.
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:43, Reply)

Sweet Meat
I was a fussy eater as a child (I still am). I turned my nose up at the lamb chops we were given to eat because of the black powder on the bones - my dad told me it was sugar.
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Clit
I told a kid that a "clit" is a kind of desert, like pie.

I then told him to tell his mom that her clit tastes good
(hotdogwheel, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:38, Reply)

My Neice's Bellybutton
Quite a popular myth this one - and evidence that these lies get passed down..

Last year the Headmaster at my 11 year old neices school was asking the kids in assembly if they knew any proverbs - after giving a few examples "a stitch in time saves nine" etc.

My neice's hand shot up and the Headmaster asked her to stand up and tel the whole school.

"My mummy says if you play with your bellybutton......."

She was the laughing stock of the whole school.
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:37, Reply)

The White Witch
When we were kids there was this scary old woman that lived down the road that we thought was a witch - she was called Mrs White.

The thing is - it must have been a bit true because she would often march out of her house and literally sweep kids of her front drive with a witch style broomstick whie bellowing "get up your own end"
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:32, Reply)

Concorde's Nose
I was watching an Airshow on TV a few years ago (i.e. at the age of 28) and Concorder was making a visit, doing a flyby then landing etc.

As it was taxi-ing along the runway with it's pointy nose down I remember this thought entering my head along the lines of:

"Ah, it'll be needing to have a drink in a minute"

Rewind the clock to me at the age of six asking my parents why Concorde had a bent nose and my dad told me - after a long pause - that it was so it could drink water through it.

This fact was duly filed away, uncorrected, for 20 years until that day!
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:27, Reply)

Bees
After one of my milk teeth fell out I noticed that it had a tiny hole in it (probably decay or something). My mum told me that it was where a bee must have stung one of my teeth.
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:21, Reply)

Another gem
told to me by my father was that if you put a record on a turntable and set it spinning *(a record, for those younger members, is what we used to have before CDs)* at say 33 1/3 rpm, if you mark a point on the outside of the record and one on the inside of the record and watch them, the point on the outside travels further than the point on the inside. Therefore, two points on a piece of plastic travel at different speeds, even though they do the same rpm (therefore: speed). He said that this was against the laws of nature, but it worked because nobody noticed.


I didn't sleep for weeks trying to figure it out.
( vbloke OLDSKOOL, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:14, Reply)

Boy Thoughts
I came home from junior school once and told my mum - "I banged my brains on a chair today". Upon asking me how I'd done that I told her that I had sat down funny (I thought that my childish testicles were my brains). I must have got it from somewhere!
(odysseysounds.com, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 22:11, Reply)

Not my mum to me, but my mum to shop assistances
"i'll only be a few minutes" when arriving near closing time. I always believed untill i was about 14 that like weather forcatsers, shop closingtimes were liars. We always left the shop at least 10-20 minutes after closing time. there morse strict nowerdays (im 19)

Once though, they forgot about her and while we had just left the elc, she was locked in Laura ashely in Chelmsford. Luckely after an hour of me crying mand my sister laughing (i was about 8-10) the securety camera notied my red faced mum in the bedroom display.

She did lie alot about (ill meet you at 2pm) when she actually men, se u at 5.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 21:15, Reply)

canine pharmaceuticals
When I was 6, I got bitten by an aphid or a ladybird or something. My cousin told me the only cure was to eat dog biscuits. I was a fat, omniverous child too - so unfair.

When I was pushing 19, my family was having a discussion about childhood pets, specifically my rabbit - 'Bill'. "You do realise Bill was a girl rabbit, don't you?" says Mum, as the rest of the family nod conspiratorially. "We didn't want to tell you in case you got upset."
So to my ex-girlfriends, it's not my fault. Relational issues? THEY TOLD ME SHE WAS A BOY!

PostScript: 'Bill' didn't "go up to rabbit heaven peacefully in his/her sleep". The poor, androgenous bunny contracted an infection that ate its genitals.
(Victor Von Richter, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 20:18, Reply)

runaway
when my mum had gone out and i asked my dad where she was he told me she has run off with a black man. i cried the first time i heard that. also not so much a lie but my if i'd ask my nan where my dad was she would say 'up my nose sellin crows two for tupence hapeney(half penny)my gran is sick though. i tricked my other nan tho, when she picked me up the other night when i went out, she saw me come round the corner holding hands with my boyfriend n when i got in the hand she was sayin i'll have to tell your mum about this boyfriend, i said he's not my boyfriend he's only 6 he's lost im just tryin to help him find his mum, she believed me......it was dark tho.
(RACH*D*, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 20:17, Reply)

On boring Motorway journeys
my brother would insist that he could magically choose which car would overtake us first. I could even pick the car closer to us if I wanted to give me a chance. It was years before I discovered there were fast and slow lanes
(Stan66, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 19:35, Reply)

Not my parents
But I told my American girlfriend that the guards at Buckingham palace keep badgers under their hats.


She believed me.
(poshphil, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 19:34, Reply)

When I was in primary school
our teachers were doing a sociology experiment and told us that there was a fatal, highly contagious disease in the school and we'd been quarantined and wouldn't see our families again. They then told us to write letters to our friends and families "on the outside".

It backfired when most of the kids panicked and burst into tears before they could do any work. Everyone spent the whole day scared shitless thinking they wouldn't see their families again.

We were eight at the time.
(Rev. Otana, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 19:17, Reply)

red indians
a few weeks before i met my step-cousin, my step dad told me that her name was a red indian name which meant she was actually red. i believed him right up until when i met her.
(rosie-pie, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 19:10, Reply)