mi padre
whenever the phone rings, my top dad always claims that 'It's the Police'. He still says it, every time the phone rings, to this day - that's almost 30 years. And I still don't have a clue why
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 13:04, Reply)

Utterly pointless lie about urinals
If you are weeing into a urinal, and it flushes, that's lucky. But it doesn't count if you deliberately wee into one that's already flushing.

Not sure what the *point* of this particular lie was, but I still feel smug if it happens...
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 12:58, Reply)

Muff
We asked my Grampy to look after my rabbit while we were away on holiday (he had lots of rabbits himself).
When we got back I was told that Muff (don't ask) the rabbit had escaped from the garden.
They lied, Grampy John had eaten him on the Wednesday that we were away. (I found out years later and thought it was hilarious)
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 12:50, Reply)

Lies about planes
The first time I flew in a plane, I saw a plane on the ground ahead of ours and asked my Dad what it was for: 'oh, that's used to give us a tow' he said.

I believed that for at least an hour until he revealed the truth.
(syllopsium, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 12:03, Reply)

ah yes...
I agree with workboresme about the teenage drinking thing... especially since in England you can legally drink alcohol given to you by your family from the age of 7 (just not allowed to BUY alcohol or drink IN PUBLIC and it's onyl recently that parents over here stopped sending their noisy lil' tots off to sleep by dipping their dummy in brandy...
(weenerfoetus, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 11:57, Reply)

Billy
When i was about 7 yrs old my goldfish Billy died. My Uncle Mike told me that he'd moved on to a better place. I wouldn't call the pedal bin in the kitchen (Where i found him) a better place than his cosy tank on top of the shelf next to the tele. Uncle Mike has since moved on to a better place himself. Wanker
(Mapper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 11:32, Reply)

Mister Whippy
My mom told me that when the Ice Cream van was playing music, it meant that the owner had crudely assembled a broadcast quality microphone and a 12V car amplifier into a wind up musical jewellery box using Sellotape and Blu-Tack, and it was all bundled into a Nabisco biscuit tin and riveted under one of the refridgeration units. Imagine my suprise when I grew up and discovered there were actually professional, commercially built units available!
( Doctor When May your wife shat and chipper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 10:40, Reply)

Fairies in the sprinklers
When I was about 2-3 years old my dad used to tell me to go look in the head of the sprinkler for fairies. Happily I would toddle off, bend down and try and look inside - then my sweet dear father would turn the sprinkler on.

I actually do remember running up the garden in just a diaper crying my eyes out, as he lay on the grass pissing himself with laughter.

Can I just point out that to my dad's neverending amusement I didn't fall for this just once... oh no.... several times he got me.
(Proxy, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 9:46, Reply)

i heard
some parents tell there children that if you swallow chewing gum it clogs up your bum and you explode.
(iamnotjb, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 9:31, Reply)

Killer Capsicum Seeds
My mum told us that the little white seeds in bell peppers were deadly poisonous and even one of them could kill us. Me and my sisters would spend ages diligently picking out every last one. I still have a morbid fear of them and freak out if I see any left in.
(nom, of the pontoon feet I'll click on anything, but I wont click on that, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 9:03, Reply)

when I was a youngin'
we lived in Austria and my mom used to scare the cheese out of me by wearing this mask and pretending to be "the man", or, how she used to say it "the Mahn" (long A). I remember being chased around by this person in a white mask and screaming so loud. I didn't know that it was my mom and I really don't know why she did that. I'm probably going to bring up horrible memories of this in therapy down the road.
(Lulu, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 2:23, Reply)

Stuff my Parents Told me
When my sister and I cried, to get us to shut up was that my Dad would tell us that the 'Incredible Hulk' or the bogeyman would get us.

To illustrate his point, my sister wouldn't shut the hell up, and it was getting dark outside. He promptly picked her up and set her right outside the door. He said, "Bye!" and she started screaming.

She eventually shut up, but I realize that it was fucked.

When asked where we came from, my mother said that she found us two under a bridge and she could put us back there any time she wanted to.

We knew that she was full of shit, but it was really messed up.

Oh yeah, she also told me that snakes would come if I whistled at night. Another time she told me not to sleep in bed with my feet facing the door. Death would come and take me away.
(andophiroxia, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 1:46, Reply)

Chewing gum and flashing
According to my mum, chewing gum is made with candle wax. When you chew it, the wax melts and then resolidifies in your stomach.

On the other hand, we were woken at night to enjoy the spectacle of thunderstorms. Only years later did I learn that my mum was terrified of them but was determined that we wouldn't be.
(fat|E, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 0:41, Reply)

Ice Cream
my mate told me that when an Ice Cream Van plays that tune...

So, sick of hearing the same old thing for the umpteenth time, I VICIOUSLY BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH A FROZEN 99, CHOPPED HIM LIMB FROM LIMB AND MINCED THE BODY PARTS INTO THE ICE CREAM MACHINE AND SOLD IT AS RASPBERRY RIPPLE!

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 0:19, Reply)

my dad told me some corkers!
my sister once drew on her arm with permanent marker and my dad told her that the way to get it off was with bleach. ?? don't ask!

another time i commented on ballet dancers being really thin and how they must eat salads and nothing else. and he replied to me "no all they eat is steak".. this was only proved wrong to me when a ballet dancer came to live with us last year.

our welsh nanny told us once that if we ate the seeds of an apple then an apple tree would grow in our stomaches.
(jeaneye, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 23:42, Reply)

The only lie I really remember
The only one that sticks is this ridiculous one that a primary school teacher told me. Apparently, some people reckon there's this thing called 'sin' which is bad for you, and some big beardy bloke who lives in the sky (but who you'll never meet till you die) HATES you for having.
Makes no sense at all.
( crgn, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 23:31, Reply)

Cows and chickens....
How about believing as i did, that cows 'lay' meat in the same way as chickens lay eggs, purely for us to eat! Was gutted when i learned the cow WAS the meat, spent hours trying to regurgitate every last bit of beef i'd ever eaten!
Dont tell lies your tongue will go black and drop off or at best be covered in spots!
Dont play with yourself u'll go blind.
Dont pull faces, if the wind changes you'll stay like that.....and on and on.......
(shellysexbomb, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 23:22, Reply)

Hang on...
I can just imagine the McVitie's marketing meeting in the late 80s.
Jocasta: "My mummy gave me this recipe right, for the biscuits to DIE for, yah?"
Trevelyn: "Graaaaaaate. What are they called?"
Jocasta: "Nig Nogs! Isn't that hilaaaarious?"
Linette: "Oh, yah, just superb, but we've just bagged the equal opportunities campaign here at Fortescue and Watermelon. I don't think that would sit well with the IC3s."
Castella: "Okaaaay, we need two words. Short and snappy. Cracky like the biccy, yah?"
Durkin: "Blib blobs?"
Jocasta: "Nibble Nobs?"
and so a legend was born...
( crgn, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 23:20, Reply)

Rat Poison
When my grandmother found the all her 'Hundreds and Thousands' cake decoration had gone. She ask us all if anyone had done anything the this jar of rat poison. Of course my brother and I denied all knowledge, I then felt the need to go to bed as I didn't feel very well and fled upstairs. She never came up to tell me I wasn't going to die!
(Killa, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 23:14, Reply)

Ice Cream Man
Our local ice cream man got arrested for kiddie fiddling. I bet you lot out there are glad your parents told you the music meant he'd run out of ice cream otherwise you could have been tampered with too!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 22 Jan 2004, 23:07, Reply)

ice cream man
my great grand-mother told me that the ice cream man sold drugs.

now, that wouldn't stop me

but then, it scared me to death
(hotdogwheel, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 22:49, Reply)

Nig Nogs
Believe it or not, Nig Nogs ARE a type of biscuit... Albeit a horribly racistly named one.
Mainly made from oats, golden syrup, butter and sugar. They're a bit like what Aussies call Anzac biscuits. A bit like Hob Nobs, but thinner and chewier. I will not reveal my sources on which Aryan family gave me this recipe when I was about 8.
( crgn, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 22:36, Reply)

Machos are made by their mother.
My Ma told me if I turned gay or priest, she'd cut my willy.

I'm now an homophobic engineer.
(st0pid, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 22:23, Reply)

fairys?
when i got my first wobbly tooth my mum told me all about the toothfairy i was so scared i tried to get my wobbly tooth out and destroy it but then i swallowed it an nearly choked to death lol all because the bloody tooth fairy doesnt exsist
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 22:08, Reply)

My mum told me...
that I had to brush my teeth to get rid of the tiny little hammers that are hitting them all the time.
(you_can't_get_there_from_here, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 21:54, Reply)

When I was little...
my parents always let me go out to the ice cream van if I had some pocket money. I could never understand why more kids didn't do the same when you could get those excellent little frozen cream ones for just 5p.
(you_can't_get_there_from_here, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 21:51, Reply)

theres the old
I'm only going to say this once...
(Hythe, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 21:47, Reply)

and more...
jus noticed a lot of bot-parents-but-was-funny posts...
well me ad my friends have a mate of ours that we call trigger, because of his being a very intelligent and not-at-all gullible person. (note sarcasm).
We managed to get him very concerned with the fact that our mate stu only had one liver left because he drinks so much. I responded proudly that, despite being a bit of a heavy drinker, I still had all my livers. this kept us entertained for hours and I still don't know if he realises yet.
also... once managed to convince some poor girl I knew that my boyfriend was also my brother and that no one could know our terrible secret. he played along and she was convinced until we started laughing too much.
(weenerfoetus, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 21:19, Reply)

contact lenses
I work at a leading opticians and told the staff coloured contact lenses were Jelly Tots with the sugar taken off

(Can I just point out I'm in charge of training all the new starters)
(monkey nuts, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 20:48, Reply)

My mother always used to threaten
to sell us to the Gypsies when my sister and I were misbehaving. However, being a well read child, the idea of living in a rustic Eastern European pony cart and playing the violin was quite appealing to me. I knew there were Gypsies in downtown Portland (Oregon), and I always hoped that she would sell me when we'd visit. I was really fond of pony carts. Needless to say, that was an ineffective lie.

Also, she used to tell me I'd get intestinal worms from eating uncooked spaghetti noodles -- my favorite snack -- I kept eating them in secret, and lo! No worms. She was such a liar!
( Propaganda Monkey, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 19:30, Reply)