Add powdered chicken soup to the water when cooking rice for added flavour and a rich consistency.
Then allow the resulting paste to cool and spread over any recently burned areas, to allow the voodoo medical properties of the chicken to heal your fragile frame. When it's gone cold, peel it off for quick and inexpensive home hair removal.
( .Yeti., Thu 28 May 2015, 21:29, 1 reply)

Eat Mars Bars.
It's the best chocolate snack ever made, and is unlikely ever to be battered.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 28 May 2015, 21:13, 1 reply)

Don't throw rice at weddings as wild birds will eat it, condeming them to a slow, painful death as the rice expands in their stomachs.
Throw dried beans instead as they contain a poison called hemaglutin which kills birds much faster.
(iwrite4u, Thu 28 May 2015, 20:54, 7 replies)

Hungry?
Without any food apart from a single egg?
Accident destroyed all crockery apart from a cup?

Make yourself an eggy cup.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 May 2015, 20:54, 1 reply)

Can we have another one please?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Thu 28 May 2015, 20:45, 11 replies)

remember, the future is not bright it is very scary so best not to think about it. live in the past and 'member
People like 'member
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 28 May 2015, 20:07, 1 reply)

A telecopier machine once told me I would be rich and successful

( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 28 May 2015, 20:00, Reply)

If you are taming an eagle
spread some honey on the back of its head and hum.
It makes the eagle think it's a bee and relaxes it making it easier to train.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 19:28, Reply)

THE. WORLD. ACCORDING. TO. GARP.

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 May 2015, 19:23, Reply)

stale smegma makes an excellent base for growing authentic mould on your action figures

(lol man river definite greek god, Thu 28 May 2015, 19:06, 5 replies)

/QOTW is an ideal internet forum for pricks

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 28 May 2015, 18:49, Reply)

A condom is an ideal storage device for keeping a single carrot fresh.

(lol man river definite greek god, Thu 28 May 2015, 18:18, 3 replies)

cool glass bottles of pop by wrapping a wet paper towel around them and sticking them in the freezer for a few hours.
best shake them up first before you put them in the freezer.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 18:15, Reply)

Show other people on the internet that you aren't upset by calling everyone else upset and claiming to be laughing at them.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 28 May 2015, 18:14, 27 replies)

incapable of maintaining a dying messageboard? just copy the neighbouring dying messageboard
b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
(lol man river definite greek god, Thu 28 May 2015, 17:59, 3 replies)

We've got this Brother machine in the office and it refuses to send any document containing the truth

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 28 May 2015, 17:39, 1 reply)

lazy student mess free one plate cheese on toast
put slab of cheese on plate. put plate in microwave. turn on microwave. whilst cheese melts, put bread in toaster.

when toast is desired shade of brown, pour melty cheese over it.

eat.

repeat.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 28 May 2015, 17:12, 10 replies)

If you are on the night out and need to chat up (or hack) either a female or male person to have sexual congress with
these three questions always work:
Who are you?
Where do you want it?
Can I place my penis/bum/fanny on your face?

You'll be wiping his or hers butt sweat off the sheets in no time.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 17:00, Reply)

Is this some sort of desperate attempt to drum up more top tips for the newsletter?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:48, Reply)

Use pistachio nut shells as mini canoes for small flies and other insects.
Why not run a bath and create an ocean play scene for them or even place house plants around the bath for a jungle river effect.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:47, 1 reply)

use the secret police phrase 'cunt' when talking to the police to move the conversation on quicker

( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:36, Reply)

seen those guys on youtube who cut an ice cream container in bits to make ice cream sandwiches?
those people are fucking idiots.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:35, Reply)

Swearing creatively, like cock off muff cock, is a great way to insult someone
rather than the tired: cunt, prick, twat, fuck, shit, piss
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:34, 1 reply)

When picking wild mushrooms
it's best to take a bite out of each one you pick. That way the poisonous ones won't affect you as you would have consumed safe ones which counteract the poisons.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:28, 1 reply)

If you're going south on the Northern Line from Highgate tube station
Don't turn left and walk all the way to the end of the platform as it's much longer than the train itself
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:25, 21 replies)

When inserting eggs anally
dab them in a bit of butter first for a quicker and more comfortable insertion.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:21, 1 reply)

hahaha
FIRST
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 May 2015, 16:21, 4 replies)