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This is a question Lurid Work Stories

"I know a railwayman of 40-odd years' service," says Juan Quar, "and he tells me a new gruesome yarn each time we meet. Last week's was of checking the time on the wristwatch of a severed arm he'd just collected after a track fatality."

Tell us the horrible stories you tease the new hires with, or that you've been told.
NB By definition, these are probably all made up. Roll with it

(, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 17:33)
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This question is now closed.

This chick wiggled her bum and got everyone dead excited and was like totally in the papers and everything
Lurid twerk story.
(, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:23, 2 replies)
Electrocution daisy chain
As mentioned before I grew up in a small Asian country where health and safety is interpreted slightly differently (i.e. broken plugs that are repaired by removing the plug altogether and sticking the bare wires straight into the wall socket, for example, all very 'there, I fixed it' kind of things).

The handyman in the factory where my dad worked was repairing something that involved a live wire in the pouring rain and obviously within seconds he was doing a funny dance with his hair sticking straight up. His colleague grabs him and ends up doing a funny dance too. So HIS friend goes to help him etc...

Four people were hospitalised in the end.

Also not an isolated incident as a few years later an entire family in our street was wiped out the same way!
(, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:32, 2 replies)
I once had a shit while havng a shower. Instantly regretting it, I tried to squish the turds down the drain with my foot but all they did was clog it and soon the shitty broth was overflowing onto the bathmat. I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

(, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 9:29, 7 replies)
Well done.
Fuck me, is this it?

You flailing, reposting shitcunts, basting yourselves in the greasy pan-bottom effluent of yesteryear's roasts. You sorry fuckpigs.

And I'm not even having a meltdown yet, that's next week I suppose - when the self congratulatory sweaty arsecracks and their fawning fanclub finally convince me to lose it :-(
(, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 2:10, 49 replies)
My Mrs
Works as a cleaner at the local high school. Only yesterday she was telling me how someone had drawn a picture, in poo, on the wall of the lad's bathroom. It was of a house apparently.
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 23:03, 4 replies)
... and when I looked over my shoulder the escaped madman was banging on the roof of the car with my husband's severed head!

(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 19:35, 16 replies)
I drive trains.
Fatalities are a common occurrence but my depot seems to be cursed with more than our fair share. Like this, this and this just yesterday.

All a bit grim. Not particularly funny I'm afraid but lurid enough for you?

Luckily all I've killed is a wheelie bin.
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 19:01, 23 replies)
I bet some World Trade Centre workers have some right horror stories.
If only there were documentaries about their place of work.
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:19, 20 replies)
i spent a year as a motorcycle courier in London.
there was a tailback on the Stratford Gyratory one morning. a coach had rear-ended a ZX750. the bike was a mangled, banana-shaped frame and a very pale police lady was hosing blood off the road.

now, does anybody want to see a picture of my reattached severed finger?
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:40, 38 replies)
Fatherly advice
My father was an engineer, and taught me lots of things - including how to wield a soldering iron. He told me the cautionary tale of the guy on the bench next to his, who had clipped the iron onto the edge of the table in front of him. As he leaned closer to his inspect work, the hot tip of the iron was neatly inserted into one of his nostrils...

I like to imagine there was a sizzling noise, just before the yells started.
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:48, 9 replies)
It's Jeans for Genes day next week
So I've arranged for my team to wear jeans if they want to.

Turns out that there's only two of us not on leave that day! LOL!!

I don't know how I cope, it's just non-stop lurididity here...
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:07, 8 replies)
30-40 years back I worked as a roadie for a well-known musician, who to spare his blushes shall remain nameless.
On one of his tours of the US he developed IBS and could never stray too far from a toilet. This came to be a bit of a problem on his tour bus, as the stench from the built-in loo got too much to bear. So the guys thought of renting out one of those toilet chairs that the elderly have, so after the star had done his business he could wind the window down and throw the contents out. He always had a laugh about this and we took the piss out of him, calling him an old codger and asking where he'd hidden his zimmerframe.
I left that line of work ten years later but still keep in touch with the roadies, some of whom he still uses, and spoke to one of them the other day. Apparently the IBS has returned with a vengeance and his rental commode has become a purchase. To the gentleman in question, should he be reading this, I have only this to say: "In 2013, now you own it."
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 11:52, 14 replies)
Too busy!
So have a couple of lurid links from times gone by.

AM x


(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 11:16, 3 replies)
Anal tearing from being fisted whilst filming a GAY porn movie, illegal to post links or I would.
for User Name Failed Moderation.
(, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 11:07, 12 replies)

This question is now closed.

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