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This is a question Lurid Work Stories

"I know a railwayman of 40-odd years' service," says Juan Quar, "and he tells me a new gruesome yarn each time we meet. Last week's was of checking the time on the wristwatch of a severed arm he'd just collected after a track fatality."

Tell us the horrible stories you tease the new hires with, or that you've been told.
NB By definition, these are probably all made up. Roll with it

(I helped save b3ta! chthonic, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 17:33)
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i spent a year as a motorcycle courier in London.
there was a tailback on the Stratford Gyratory one morning. a coach had rear-ended a ZX750. the bike was a mangled, banana-shaped frame and a very pale police lady was hosing blood off the road.

now, does anybody want to see a picture of my reattached severed finger?
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:40, 38 replies)
I used to have a ZX80.
10 PRINT "A VAGABOND IS ACE"
20 GOTO 10
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:56, closed)
*rear-ends*

(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:58, closed)
*bananas*

(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:03, closed)
A banana in the tail-pipe?

(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:09, closed)
No thanks, I've just put one out.

(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:12, closed)
There's been a real lack of gory pictures, considering some of this week's stories, so
yes, please.
(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:57, closed)

i.imgur.com/bKgRzH9.jpg
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:23, closed)
You fat handed twat.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:28, closed)
you big-chinned meany.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:32, closed)
Dreadful bullying

(McChinaman banned, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:21, closed)
i bet you're not even a real chinaman.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:47, closed)


(McChinaman banned, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 0:44, closed)
Looks like the pirates are planning to kill you.

(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:33, closed)

(^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM PIRATES!(^(^;;^)^)
(I helped save b3ta! Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 23:35, closed)
At least you didn't break the nail

(I helped save b3ta! skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:50, closed)
i no, rite!
it still hasn't broken. but then it's protected by my massive Spaz-O-Cast. 2 more surgeries to go. then i'm scheduled for a 4th attempt to fix a collarbone i broke in 2010...
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:58, closed)
You don't have much luck, do you?

(I helped save b3ta! skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:57, closed)
well, no.
no i don't.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:18, closed)
Needs more leeches.

(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:30, closed)
Only if you pixelate your face.

(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:20, closed)
oh, you.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:24, closed)
My housemate has one of them zxr750's.
It's the bent purple one, rather than the green one though.
(I helped save b3ta! Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:04, closed)
I read palms and I can tell that you have had a few budgerigars in that hand.
or many a cock-a-too
(I helped save b3ta! d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:09, closed)
*music hall capers*

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:19, closed)
Lol
Gyratory
(Panzerfaust, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:32, closed)
go home dad, you're drunk.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:55, closed)
What are you talking about?
This beer is non alco- oh.
(Panzerfaust, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:36, closed)
Wait a minute.
You had a job?!
(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:23, closed)
i have had MANY jobs.
my last one was all important and responsible and that. so, naturally, i ruined it by compromising my position with a very senior employee, shouting at a director in a meeting and then having a spectacular breakdown. the usual.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:50, closed)
Compromising positions, eh?
Saucy.
(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 22:54, closed)
i can't wait for ringo to offer a lengthy discourse on my perceived lack of moral fibre.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 23:17, closed)
actually, scrap that.
i hope he fucks off forever.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 23:20, closed)
More than happy to disappoint you my dear.
Heavens above that someone might point out that *from what you've posted here* it seems as tho you suffered your injury whilst climbing a fence in order to illegally enter someone else's property.
If I'm wrong then please do elucidate.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 9:55, closed)
how does 'mind your own business' grab you?
why do you even care? are you going to call the landowner and tell them someone on the internet was trespassing? let it go, you fucking muppet.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:40, closed)
Yeah go on then The LOVELIEST SPACKHANDEDEST Sidekick.

(I helped save b3ta! stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 12 Sep 2013, 8:12, closed)
linky is up there. ^^^

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:38, closed)
Whoops, butterfingerless.
:D
(I helped save b3ta! stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:02, closed)
thats what happens when you stick it in dogs
Next time aim for the end without teeth
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 12:49, closed)

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