The time I believe was 10.25pm. The mood? Mellow. The TV was tuned onto a recording of Embarrassing Illnesses and I enjoyed every last second of the popping zits and scabby wangers as I anticipated the results of the Online Big Brother Stars Game I had just wasted my whole week on. However, the atmosphere wasn't quite complete; something was missing. I went over and over in my head trying to figure out what it was I was craving, and I realised, what I needed was a Milkybar®!

The plan was to nip to the corner shop down the road, nab a Milkybar® and get home just in time for the results to be revealed. I whacked on my khakis and shiny purple bodywear, grabbed my glow in the dark Agumon keyring and iPod and set out.

I was a few minutes away from the shop when suddenly something caught my eye and simply flabbergasted me. What appeared to be a big, fat representation of the Milkybar® Kid! I rubbed my eyes, I thought the desire for a Milkybar® was making me hallucinate, but as I did a double take I realised it wasn’t the Milkybar® Kid, it wasn’t the Milkybar® kid at all. It was Jacub Bellby. The same Jacub Bellby I had stuck in a tub for entertainment purposes, the same Jacub Bellby I had made into an internet laughing stock, the same Jacub Bellby I cheated out of a gram of hash, the same Jacub Bellby whose mother I tickled with the very tip of my bellend, the same Jacub Bellby who hated me with a passion. My bum started to flap a bit, I’m not ashamed to admit that.
“Just don’t make eye contact,” I said to myself, “That’s what sets him off”.
But it was too late. Jacub had caught me cheekily glancing his tomato tinted face and he became more enraged than the time the Turks ruined his Habbo Hotel experience at an internet café. Time seemed to freeze for a moment, before Jacub started coming at me like a fucking freight train! Just as the track on my “Emotional Songs (no homo)” playlist turned to “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure, all I could see was Jacub Bellby zooming in like nobody’s business, not stopping for a second, and next thing I know a huge meaty fist makes contact with my face.

That’s the last thing I remember between journeying to the shop and lying in a hospital bed. Here I was, laid down with an ice pack over my eye. I just had a black eye and a bit of concussion, nothing a bad man like me can’t handle. I mean, you’re talking to the winner of Stars 53 roffle. The nurses sorted me out good ‘n’ proper and after cheekily unloading a few fluids, shall we say, in the toilet facilities, I set out of the hospital and towards the local Foot Locker.

Why was I going to Foot Locker? Well I just wanted a new pair of trainers really. I was rocking the Dunlops but as a wise WarriorInWoolworths once said,
“Porn stars don’t wear Dunlop trainers”,
Not that I wanted to be a porn star or anything but if I wanted my Plumper Penis for Summer program to start working I figured I should be wearing some porn star trainers. As soon as I got to the shop I remembered all I had was 50p, I mean all I set out for in the first place was a Milkybar®. So I had to turn away and figure out my next move.

My next move was arguably a risky one. A bit of a dangerous decision, a bit of an inexcusable idea, the plan was to get revenge on Jacub Bellby. I couldn’t let my pride lay in a pit like that, I had to get my own back. But I wasn’t going to do this alone, oh no. Who did I turn to?

I turned to an old pal. My partner from Stars 37, Rookies 9000 and the 2008 Wanking Olympics, Sir David “Dav” Stromming. I ventured into his love shack where he was taking care of a bit of business as usual. I sat down on the purple leather sofa which nicely matched my shiny purple bodywarmer as I waited for him to come down. Luckily a game of Bop-It! Was left on the table which gave me around 10 minutes of enjoyment before Dav hit the scene.
“Ah! Bengal Boy! What can I do for you?” he asked, with his cheeky grin framed by female ejaculation.
“I’ve got a mission for us.” I explained, “It’s Jacub Bellby. He’s in full force. It’s time we take him down.”
A frown spread across Dav’s face.
“You’ve been messing with the big boys again, Drubert.” He said, shaking his head.
“Jacub Bellby is fucking nothing mate, we could ‘ave him for brekkie.” I argued.
“Hmm. I’m not sure.” He replied.
“Just listen yeah,” I said, “It’s Monday. Jacub’s Dolmio Day. All we have to do is stop him in the sauces aisle in Tesco and make an attack. After all, we both know he can’t do shit on an empty stomach.”
“Hmm,” pondered Dav, before smirking, “I have a better plan.”

We started walking. Walking and walking for miles. I never really knew where we were walking, I just followed Dav’s lead as we shared stories of times past and gossiped about our fellow Tengaged users. After a few days I finally asked,
“Where are we going?” Dav just smiled and pointed towards a sign, a sign saying “Welcome to Hull”. Hull, the home of the University of Hull, the Hull York Medical School and of course Jacub Bellby.
“I’m not sure about this, Dav,” I murmured, “Should we really be attacking him on his home turf?”
“Trust me on this,” assured Dav, “It’s time to take him to the cleaners.”

We ventured through Hull till we found the house of Bellby.
“You ready?” asked Dav,
“I sure am!” I said, nervously. We kicked down the front door and rushed inside, not sensing any sign of Jacub’s presence.
“Hmm,” I said, “I’ll check the bathroom, you check the bedrooms.”
I ran up to the bathroom but nothing but a distinct smell of shit could be found. I heard a male scream coming from the bedroom,
“ARGH!”
“Dav?” I shouted, “Dav!?” I ran into the bedroom and what I saw was something traumatic, something that has been imprinted in my mind and will haunt me forever. Jacub Bellby’s mother was pressed against the wall, butt naked, while The Proclaimers and the Pet Shop Boys scuffled over who got to plug her hole next.
“What the FUCK?” I shouted.
“Who the fuck are you?” asked Neil Tennant, the slightly more significant Pet Shop Boy.
“We’re the Sweeney, son” replied Dav, “and we haven’t had any dinner”.
We knew what we had to do. Dav kicked Charlie Reid in the ass, forcing his long hard twangford so far into Mrs Bellby’s buttocks that her organs were harpooned and she died. I grabbed Neil Tennant’s head and pulled it down as I brought my knee full force into his face. Dav proceeded to grab Charlie Reid’s face and smash it into the wall, shattering his glasses and making the glass penetrate into his eye.

This left me, Dav, Craig Reid and Chris Lowe to battle it out. We faced eachother and let the tension build, like a Wild West face-off.
“This room aint big enough for the four of us,” said Craig. Just as we were about to have it out a familiar voice rung in my ears,
“I’ll be the one, to turn you on”, it was only Jacub fucking Bellby! We had completely forgotten about him! I looked to Dav,
“I’ll go after him, you take care of these 2 muppets” I said before running out of the room and pursuing Jacub.

I ran down the stairs and followed him into the kitchen. I looked round and he was nowhere to be seen!
“I’m a fucking ninja xD” he exclaimed before appearing from behind the door and running back through it. He ran outside the house, of course I didn’t give up chase. We were running down the road, and suddenly I saw my chance to distract Jacub,
“Jacub, look!” I shouted, “An ice cream van!”
Jacub looked around in awe, a great white ice cream van was passing by and of course Jacub couldn’t help but to lick his lips at the thought of the dairy goodness. And as he was lost in the moment I tackled him.
“Got you now you nobber!” I shouted.
“What do you want?” he asked.
“Well, I just wanted revenge for what you did to me before” I explained.
“Well, what can I say?”
“Um… You could say sorry”
“I’m sorry mert. Sorry for them rate nasty things I done. It was out of order.”
“Alright thanks”
And I set back off.

The time between then and now was just me making my way back from Hull to the midlands. Dunno what happened to Dav lol guess he’ll be back soon unless the shit Pet Shop Boy and the rubbish Proclaimer battered him.
(SirStromming, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 20:16, 10 replies)

ris wtf?

( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 20:23, closed)

I dunno either
but then again I didn't read the post as it was too long
(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 20:34, closed)

This is the funniest thing I have read on QOTW for a long, long time.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 21:08, closed)

+ (!)

(TheColonel, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 9:41, closed)

Put down the pipe and step away from the PC.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 21:10, closed)

wtf?
XD

*clicks eitherway*
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 6:14, closed)

Just out of interest, having looked at your profile page
Have you ever done anything in your life that would allow you to post an answer that's on-topic?

Or are you just a sad wanker who's full of shit?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 16 Mar 2010, 6:18, closed)

Ah.
The Brechtian response to the great dilemma of international healthcare, perhaps on the same level as The Caucasian Chalk Cirle in its brutal depiction of bureaucracy, and a Kafka-like analogy of the patients' depths of despair when faced with faceless, uncaring medical professionals.

10/10, you'll go far, my good Sir Stromming.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 9:56, closed)

absolutely delightful
14 thumbs up
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 10:40, closed)

TL;DR
Drugs are bad, mmmkay?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 17 Mar 2010, 23:49, closed)