B3ta Nativity play, Act 3

(Act 1 is here)

(Act 2 is here)

Scene: A suitably chastened bunch of b3tards stand around a cardboard box in which baw_bag lies, nappy-clad and gurgling as the baby Jesus, attempting to look up BGB's robe as she coos over the box. Pooflake, with a damp patch spreading across his crotch, glares at them.

CHCB: That night, Mary gave birth to a baby. And he was Jesus.

(On one side of the stage appear Apeloverage and Undercovercarrot wearing teatowels on their heads and accompanied by 127 sheep. Rakky, chickenlady and rachelswipe appear before them clad in diaphanous sheets and wearing tinsel halos.)

Angels (as a chorus): Be not afraid! We bring you tidings of great joy!

(Apeloverage bites his tongue, hard. The sheep try to out-fluffeh one another.)

Angels: You will find the saviour in a stable in Bethlehem.

(The shepherds manage to convey puns to each other by means of gestures. Mr chthonic marches on stage and confiscates Apeloverage's crook, then clips him round the ear with it.)

Apeloverage: (muttering) That's crooked behaviour.

(The shepherds and their 127 sheep shuffle offstage.)

(The Resident Loon appears on stage, clad only in tinfoil and twinkling for all he's worth. Enzyme, althegeordie and Bert Sexmonkey walk on stage with large cardboard gold crowns, singing "We Three Kings of Orient Are". Unknown to Enzyme, who leads the way nobly, al and Bert are pelvic thrusting in time to the tune and sniggering at the end of every line. Al is momentarily distracted by one of the sheep that he mistakes for a goat, but is pushed back into place by Mr chthonic. They arrive at the 'stable'.)

Enzyme (solemnly): We are the Wise Men. We have travelled far to see this child. I bring gifts of gold.

althegeordie; You stole that from your Turkish boy.

Enzyme: No I didn't, it's a middle class family heirloom.

althegeordie: I bring you gifts of frankincense. (He hands the box to BGB.)

Bert: Why is it white? And sticky?

althegeordie: Do you actually know what frankincense looks like?

Bert: er, no.

althegeordie: Then this is frankincense.

Bert: it looks very similar to my myrrh.

(BGB drops the box.)

CHCB: And so the Wise Men told everyone they knew that a Saviour had been born.

Enzyme: I didn't. I merely said a child had been born, possibly in 4BC actually, and that historically speaking this child may have been the individual that the Christian church came to associate with the biblical figure of Jesus.

CHCB: (ignoring him) but Herod heard of the birth of this child and unleashed his wrath.

Davros' Granddad: (stroking his beard menacingly) Kill all the firstborn! Oooooooo, yes.

(He is pelted with popcorn and Tourettes is forcibly removed from the audience.)

CHCB: But Mary and Joseph escaped into Egypt and they all lived happily ever after (until 33 years later when there was a minor skirmish with some Romans and a run-in with a cross).

(Everyone appears on stage for a lisping rendition of Away in a Manger.)

Mr chthonic: Beautiful! You've made me so proud! Next week, as a reward, you can have a really good QOTW.

The End.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:40, 34 replies)

*Applauds*
If this, along with Acts 1 and 2, don't make the top three I shall sigh despondently.

Nice bit of Kenneth Williams inspired dialogue by the way. Can you tell I'd been practising?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:46, closed)

Good Work!
The greatest story ever told.

(With the possible exception of The Dark Knight Returns). Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:50, closed)

I dunno
I think the greatest story ever told should feature more threesomes.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:51, closed)

Watch the directors cut
Batman, The Joker, Lucious Fox - lots of cum and hard ons. Lovely!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:51, closed)

Maybe the next qotw.

(I still want to be the donkey)
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 17:37, closed)

^^and Ghostbusters 2 eh, Spanky...?

/Still can't believe that you think it is better than the first one...

*shakes fist*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:53, closed)

I stand by that comment, Sir
This could turn into pistols at dawn, sunshine.

Choose your weapons, turn, fire!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:55, closed)

Challenge accepted...!

*slaps Spanky's cheeks with a lacey glove in a very camp fashion*

I prefer to duel with swords...pork swords...

*waves willy about*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:58, closed)

I accept your challenge, Sir
*unzips*

*looks down*

Err, could we call it a dagger fight rather than a sword fight???
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:59, closed)

Agreed.

And lo, this day will go down in legend as the date of the 'Battle of the spluffing button mushrooms'

The devestation following the battle was immense, there was Slime, spaff and proton packs all over the shop...

(And the less said about Spanky and my attempts to make a 'marshmallow man' the better...)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:04, closed)

Don't cross the streams!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:11, closed)

HaHa
Baby Batter Bazookas at 2 paces.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:58, closed)

Standing ovation!

Finally, all my hard work has paid off!

I'd like to thank the academy...

*waves bunch of flowers and cries*

(to be honest, I only joined up with the production because I misheard when I was told there was going to 'thespian acting'...hey ho)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:50, closed)

Good work!
*clicks*

I wish I could share the optimism about the chances of chthonic picking a decent QOTW next week though.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:01, closed)

Haven't you learned?
It's all ScaryDuck's fault.
He said so himself.
( Cawl, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:12, closed)

I don't care who's fault it is
I just want someone to not be shit for a change.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:28, closed)

Bring on the string...
*sighs*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:35, closed)

Or it'll be along the lines of
"My best bathroom suite"
"My first shoelaces"
"My brightest tie"
"Amazing things you can do with a lawnmower"
"I once changed TV channel because..."
"I love the colour beige"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:56, closed)

the lawnmower sounds pretty good
..
(The Ear-Trumpet Addicting is NOT a word., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 15:21, closed)

Just wanted to check
You couldn't list all the 127 sheep individually due to bandwidth restrictions, but I was the bestest. Right?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:26, closed)

Hooray!
I was a sheep too (allegedly). High five!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:52, closed)

Didjaseeme?
Third sheep from the back thankyouverymuch! I poked my front hoof round the curtain when I waved at my mum.

I was understudy to Sheep 17, but if they actually drank the laxative-laced panda pop I left on the desk, they certainly didn't show it. *shrugs* The benefits of brown wool tights I suppose...
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 16:37, closed)

I was the sheep
that did a poopy because it was so scared.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 17:01, closed)

I still can't believe I had a leading role.
It's only taken me 43 years to achieve it.


Next I fancy something gritty and involving full frontal nudity.
( girlinthehole, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:58, closed)

"gritty and involving full frontal nudity."
Sex on a beach?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:02, closed)

WIN!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 17:55, closed)

A sponsored streak
Through the local gravel pits?

/coat
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:02, closed)

If we lose the loin cloth...
You'd be perfect for the Easter story.
What do you know about flogging and piercing?
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 16:41, closed)

Utterly breathtaking....
Am I the only one thinking that this basicaly needs to be filmed?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:16, closed)

Excellent story...
Except for 2 things:

1) the second to last line is too unbelievable.
2) it contains no snees :(

/cries
( snee held his breath since, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:57, closed)

Simply Brilliant.
And duly *Clicked*. Epic!
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 16:42, closed)

Wooo!
I can assume that I'm a sheep and be fluffeh!
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 12:14, closed)

*standing ovation*
(from outside, as I was forcibly evicted)

*throws beligerent popcorn*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 0:31, closed)

Huzzah!
Thanks. I loved my small part!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 7:46, closed)