My train-nemesis(es), or how I became a public-transport vigilante.
I used to have a fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work. This, in and of itself, would not have been too bad, however I had to undertake this daily 3-hour round trip on public transport; the worst kind of transport.

After a while, many things begin to annoy, chief among them being the symphony of white noise, squirted forth from the mobile phone of various little oiks. This monstrous racket, the kind that sounds like music being performed by angry wasps, was the bane of my life. If I had remembered my headphones, and to charge my iPod, it was fine, but there were many days when my life was near ruined for a good half-hour stretch. It became clear to me that I was going to have to strike back at the heart of the problem.

One day, there sat before me one happy chappie, whose music was so painful and grating that I decided that this was my moment. I simply had to punish him for his insolence. Not by getting angry, oh no, but by a much stealthier method. I pretended to enjoy his music. I started to look over, giving little appreciative nods if he caught my eye. He looked away quickly, but the fear was clearly setting in, I was beginning to turn the tide, and claim back my train. However, his music was still not switched off, relying on his mild homophobia was not working, and the nuclear option was called for.

I stood up, crossed the carriage, and began what can only be described as a 'dance', to his music. Now, I am on the wobbly side of portly, and my dancing skill is (to put it politely) not too high, but where I was lacking in these areas, I made up for in brute enthusiasm and pelvic thrusting. I launched my ample frame around that carriage like I was trying to dislodge a troublesome ferret from inside my trousers.

These 'moves' were accompanied by that 'special' facial gesture. Eyes scrunched closed, head back, a delicate bite of the lower lip. In this instance, this pose was conveying that the sheer act of my dancing to his music was giving me nothing but sheer, orgasmic, animal pleasure.

Oddly, he seemed to decide, fairly soon after that, that he didn't really want to listen to music any more, (either that, or he was afraid of catching a stray moob to the face from my lunging) and he turned his noise-box off.

Check. Mate.
(Serotonicity was a naughty boy on..., Thu 29 Apr 2010, 22:34, 9 replies)

Hahaha!
I'm guessing, though, that since there was a different person the next day, you've had to dance every day since?
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 23:06, closed)

I liked this last night when I was drunk.
I like it even more this morning! Thanks to you I'm now scouring you-tube for evidence of this.
Click
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 9:27, closed)

The Truffle Shufle to Chariots of Fire
in epic slow mo
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 10:14, closed)

You are my portly hero
My plan is to have a t-shirt made bearing the legend: YOUR HEADPHONES ARE LEAKING SHIT.

That'll show 'em.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 12:32, closed)

^ do it
Or 'YOUR PHONE IS LEAKING SHIT'?
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 23:34, closed)

Haha
A clickety-click for "I launched my ample frame around that carriage like I was trying to dislodge a troublesome ferret from inside my trousers." :'D
(random_monkey Dosadno mi e, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 12:55, closed)

I have gathered from your lolsum anecdote that:
Your train only has one carriage.

Your carriage is not busy.

You jammy fucker! What sort of rail service is that?! Rammed in like cattle, that's how it's done!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 30 Apr 2010, 14:35, closed)

Didn't you used to dance in the middle of a zebra crossing on a Virgin Radio advert?
If so, ICMFP.
If not, *click* anyway!
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 15:49, closed)

youre my hero
i wish to join your party.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 23:28, closed)