Billy
I was brought up in Glasgow but have lived out in the sticks for 15 years. A beautiful part of Scotland just outside Lanark – yes William Wallace and all that. The main road to Edinburgh the A70 – well to be fair the only road to Edinburgh snakes its way over some high moors, its truly stunning countryside but it gets pretty grim in the winter and the road is notorious. I treated it pretty much as my personal race track and in the summer it was very popular with bikers and cyclists. My best mate Billy never understood why I wanted to live ‘oot in the arse end of naewhere’ but was a lifelong biker so was keen to see where I lived and how good the roads were good out my way.

First time he came to visit me was pretty much out of the blue – I heard the bark of a Kawasaki Ninja one crisp January afternoon and there he was on my doorstep all smiles clutching a bottle of Macallan.

Naturally we set about getting battered. The following morning with a head still fuzzy I suggested we take a trip up the A70. It was partly just for the hell of it but I also earned a rather handy extra 500 quid a month calibrating a small weather station at the highest point of the moor. (don’t ever study Meteorology and Climatology – there’s no money in it, I’m a graphic designer now). Any way the ‘weather station’ was little more than a grey dome on a pole with cup anemometer, barometer, thermometer and a datalink. Basically it was there to let the council know if they should send the gritters out of a morning.

It was a bright winters day and Billy took great pleasure in scaring the shit out of me on the back of his bike and also in the fact my Uni degree had got me to the giddy heights of opening a dome up a pole -pressing a few buttons then closing it again. “500 quid to open that and press two buttons you cunt?” He then took even more pleasure in scaring any further remnants out of me on the way back. It's fair to say Billy didn't tend to hang around. We had Sunday lunch in my local then toddled home to set about getting pished with a vengence. It was a freezing cold night and the wind was howling – I love nights in like that. All was well till I got a call from some cunt at council roads department informing me there was no feed from the A70 monitoring station.

Cuntsocks – I had forgot to reset the datalink. I’d have to get up at silly o’clock to set it before they could send someone out to check the error of my ways. But fuck it, tomorrow was another day. Billy could always out-drink me, all day in the pub then the rest of the Macallan had me fucked by 10pm. I decided to hit the sack.

I got up the following morning to find Billy’s bike gone but his gear still scattered around. I assumed he had gone for the papers. At precisely 11.08 the police came to my front door. Billy had been killed in a head on collision on the A70 at 2am that morning. The shock dried up my mouth in an instant and just completely floored me. I couldn’t accept it – his socks were still on my living room floor. The Police were pretty cool, they made sweet tea for me and sat me down – shaking like an alky. It was then I saw the note on the coffee table.

‘Back shortly – going to reset your daft weather dome – lightweight’

It was then I realised just what sort of guy Billy was – he had died so I could have a lie in. It was my ineptitude that killed him. It was the night testing some winds dome for me.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 20:56, 24 replies)

*Spangs*
I had to say it several times just to make sure it was a pun.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 21:08, closed)

Oh you total fucker
I was really upset until I noticed BGBs comment.

That deserves to be on the front page for sure.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:02, closed)

me too...
I had tears in my eyes you fuckstick!

You do that to me again and I'll kick your arse!

Somehow I will make my leg extend that long, haven't figured it out yet, but your arse has a date with my foot- oh shit! You'll probably get off on that.....have to make sure I'm not wearing heels......

*plots*


*is drunk*
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 8:28, closed)

miss kitty abusing my arse with her bare feet
and this is a punishment?

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 10:45, closed)

Got me... got me got me got me......
Had me all the way up to the last line and a couple of seconds after as well.

Git
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 21:11, closed)

Arr..
Damn you!
Damn you to Heck!

*click*
( Mellicious is made of candy, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 21:33, closed)

oh, you fucker
got me.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 21:40, closed)

Why did you have to try and sully a really nice QOTW for the sake of a shit pun?

( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 21:50, closed)

now now bioboy...
calm down there, just because you've been spanged doesn't mean your not still a cunt.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 21:57, closed)

Pardon?
Do I know you? did you read the name right?
Has someone else already had a go at you for making shit long-winded jokes?
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:04, closed)

erm no
but i have to say your typing is good for a flidmong though
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 6:51, closed)

A shit pun?
A downright ingenious one I would say.

And this is b3ta, no nice and fluffy QOTW would be complete without something nasty or wrong in it.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:03, closed)

^
This. Exactly. That's why we're here.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 8:30, closed)

Oof!
and arf!
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 22:46, closed)

*spang*

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:53, closed)

Dammit!!
I'd clicked before the cold hard reality sank in.

Can I have my click back please?
(dxg, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 0:07, closed)

you bastard
well done that! ( you bastard)
(goorf, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 0:49, closed)

sure - here you go
*de-clicks*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 8:07, closed)

Unbelievable
My guard has been lowered too bloody far by this week's question. You had me hook, line and sinker.

Enjoy your *click* you clever sod, I hope you choke on it :-)
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 7:07, closed)

Hah!
You got me too :)

Now that's the sort of pun story which actually does amuse me. Better than the plethora of shite ones seen around here - it toys with the reader's emotions, and the last line is so weird that one doesn't even realise that it's a pun for a while!
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 7:35, closed)

*click*
That had me all the way through...
( snee held his breath since, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 8:03, closed)

*slaps palm on forehead*
Spimf, you utter swine!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 9 Oct 2008, 12:25, closed)

that is
sneaky and underhand. you bastard.

it was brilliant.
(stapleface, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 13:32, closed)

Misses *Ignore* by a full inch...
... And ends up clicking 'I like this!'.

It took me 4 replies to figure it out. But, in my defense, it's been a particularly mind-numbing day at work...

Ah, who am I kidding. Brilliant!
(Obsidian, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 13:52, closed)