Advice please sensible b3tans (and Bert)
I've got a meeting with Barclays on Monday about opening a Current Account. Yes, I've managed to get by for the past five years without one, but now I want one so I can be all grown up and get Direct Debits and things.

I've been fucking awful with money over the past ten years, although I've managed to not take on any new debt for a couple of years now.

Despite trying a few times for a current account, I always get the same negative response, for the above reason, which is fair enough. But now, when I really need one, I want to make sure I do the best possible job in the upcoming meeting.

So, any advice on how to impress a personal account manager would be greatly appreciated.

And no, I'm not gonna suck him off.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:08, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hell
means 'lucky' in Norwegian.

Random factlet of the day from Scandinavia.
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 12:39, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who wants to be upset at me today?
For being unfunny.
On QOTW.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 11:17, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Disclaimer
You know that disclaimer you sometimes get on TV pogrammes and films pointing out how the characters and events are fictional and aren't meant to represent real people or events in any way?


Well, the other day, I noticed that disclaimer at the end of Aliens.

Words cannot describe how relieved I was.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 11:09, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Leather work - knife sheaths
Does anyone on here do leather work? I am looking to get 3 knife sheaths made. Nothing fancy, but good quality workmanship (and stitching) required. Gaz me if you do this sort of stuff well.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 10:26, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Toxic Bins
Just got forwarded this at work...

Hi Dave,
Attached is the bin lid that the architect has suggested to be sunk into worktop. There are two of them & will just have a bag connected somehow underneath for collecting the rubbish.

Thanks

Mike

~~~~~

Mike,
This item has been "locked" due to the manufacturers using "illegal chemicals" in its production...
I'm looking elsewhere, as the last thing we need are killer poison bins...
Cheers
Dave.

~~~~~

Dave,
Can I order 20 please - Kaol will probably want some!
Mike.
( Cawl, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 10:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it snow? Sleet? Or rain?
I don't really care. My office is warm and the phones are quiet. Happy days.

How the hell are you?


( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 8:04, 309 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

An Open Letter To JMG

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet
you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk,
a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf,meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I puke at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusion ally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would
have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb.
You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted flapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid.
Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space.I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 5:00, 127 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What the fuck...
Ive just been out to meet some friends. Who do I spy in the corner?

MY boyfriend with some hussy who is clearly younger than me straddling him.

I had a good mind to beat the pair of them to the ground, however, I left with my dignity. I will fucking kill him when I get my hands on him though.
(i should have joined myspace, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 0:10, 35 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can we place all our fat moaning at JMG in this thread to avoid it being spread out over a large area?
I'm providing a service for you housewhales and Games Workshoppers.
You may wish to raise a complaint, or make something up about me.


Please file your point under:
a) Complaint
or
b) Lies


Thank you.
No fat birds.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:14, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone listen to Radio 5live here?
Was on the way to Addenbrookes Hospital last night just before 7pm and they were doing a twee "and finally" story about some little girl who saved her mum when the house was on fire.

wasn't paying a huge amount of attention but apprently mum was incapacitated in some way so she had mum lying on the floor so couldn't inhale smoke, and given her a damp cloth, and also rammed a wet towel underneath the door as taught in guides or whatever when Anita Anand in her best patronising a small child voice said

"I hear you also saved the life of your pregnant cat?"

"yes" replied the little girl "I threw her out of the window"

fuck me I almost crashed my car from laughing!
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 21:52, Reply)

this has been doing the rounds among my group of web-type friends.
christ knows where the link originated from,but every british person i know has seen this and then commented on american obesity.
I think you can see why.
www.marshmallowfluff.com/pages/homepage.html
there's a marshmallow spread for sandwiches!fucking marshmallows in sandwiches!have they no fucking SHAME?
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Thu 11 Dec 2008, 20:36, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

holy shit has anyone seen street view in google maps?
Has anyone else gone on google maps and then clicked street view, you can wander around the streets of melbourne. It is amazing!!! I remember 10 Print "Boobs" 20 Goto 10 Run on a spectrum, and now I am meandering around cities with a click of my mouse! How fucking cool are we and how lucky are we to live in this age? (though probably people thought that the first time they saw fire / soup / steamtrains). Soon we'll have the whole web in our heads and will be able to scroll around cities in our heads.

Mark.my.words
(sirolimus, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:47, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FAO: Aussies / People who live in Oz
Been offered a job down there . Not much money though - miles less than I earn here. It's in Melbourne.

But I really want to move out there.

What's the Cost of Living like over there? Thought it was comparable to Manchester, with rent slightly more?

what are the shools like? advice? cheers
(sirolimus, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:33, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have no story to tell...
so make up your own shit.

Thursday evening's thread for the desperate.
( thealternativefact, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:43, 137 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The button says 'Tell us your story'
maybe they should change that.
( WormuIus, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:46, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just been into Woolworths
to see if I could get a few cheap christmas gifts, and I remembered why I haven't bought anything in there for a few years.

They do sell a lot of shit, don't they?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:44, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Fuck off back to QOTW.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:47, 94 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right
and another thing.

Find a nice full car park and look at it. Or watch a road for a few minutes. Notice anything?

99% of the cars are silver, black, blue or red (inc varying shades) in that order of frequency. The remaining 1% appears to be white, green, other. And then some purple Micra's and Ka's.

How did we get so dull and uniform? I've just been in a queue of traffic, with 19 consecutive silver cars. Thats mental.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:27, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fuck me I'm down
I'm in a shite job and really need to get out before I properly lose the plot...

Does anyone know any particularly good job search sites for jobs in Manchester, west yorks or Cheshire?

I'm on Monster, reed and totaljobs.

Cheers
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 12:01, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

To the extreme
I rock a mic like a vandal, light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 11:47, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Off topic, even for the off topic gang but...
Who wants to help me out with some deep, deep SQL magic?
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 10:38, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What I learnt today
Never make a bestiality joke in a job interview.
( rofl harris, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 10:18, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just a thought
slightly concerned that facebook is the number 1 google search in the UK, for 2 reasons. One is the obvious - everyone is using it and thats slightly scary in a SkyNet kind of way. But two, why are people Googling it? Is everyone like my mum who thinks she can run itunes by typing it into google - she gets confused when she gets a page of search results and cant work out why itunes doesnt start.

It seems to me that the vast majority of people click on "INTERNET" and just start typing. By default that might be the google search input box, and they type facebook. If they typed the URL, or chose it from a book mark then it wouldnt be a search obviously.

But its the most popular search. Which means a lot of people are using facebook. And still searching for it. So no one is learning that they can type URLS in directly and skip out a whole step, despite obviously doing it time after time.

Ergo this country is made up entirely of retards. Is there a country that isnt? I'd quite like to go and live there. I actually fancy france. They do nice food.

And another thing... if Facebook was switched off, deleted, gone, overnight, do you think anyone would give a shit after about 24hours? There would be headlines for a day, then.. nothing. Would anyone even bother to complain? What is the point of it? I have an account, that i mostly gave up on 3 weeks after opening, I blindly accept the friend requests "just in case i need to get in touch with Ian Cook who I worked with for 18 months in the early 90's" and now that there are some work colleagues on there that I dont really care about, i can see what they do at weekends but thats ultimately dull. It really is a rather tragic site. I think I might try and get people to leave it. I think that might be worthwhile. We could all, you know, do something else.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 9:18, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Thursday Thread
The door is open. Come to the 'home', be sweet, and tell us your troubles.


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 8:31, 237 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
So tonight, I got my first Christmas tree in 8 years.
Me and the man went and got it, it's all of 3 feet (due to my apartment size). We went and got baubles, lights, and a star to go on top and even got tinsel!!!

I get home with it, and realize the baubles need hooks to fit on the tree. I'm covered in tinsel, the cat is running around with tinsel all over him. My apartment is covered in fucking tinsel.

The cat is now going nuts over the tinsel on the tree, I need at least one more set of lights.

I've never seen such a pathetic sight in my life, but I'm busting up laughing at the absurdity of it!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 6:44, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

It's Wednesday night again...
Sleeper, Part 2.




And the previous story:

( Cawl, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 0:14, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

who did the RAAAAAAAAAPE story
on last weeks QOTW. I m trying to find it but there's so many answers

Cheers!
(G-Lo, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 23:28, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So there I am at the Perfect Poo Contest
And I have managed to produce a winning entry.

Perfectly formed logs the length of a hand and about 2 fingers wide. They are stacked up neatly and tower over the entries from all other contestants.

I won the Grand Prize.



And then I woke up thinking, "What the fuck?"........

......while at the same time feeling quite proud of myself.*

*I may spend too much time on b3ta
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 10 Dec 2008, 22:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)