Magnitude 4.7...
Glasses rattling, picture frames shaking and the bed going at it like a motel special....

6:20 am (it'll have hit the UK at 5:22 local time) we had a Mag4.7 Tremor .... did anyone feel it in the UK? :)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 16 Dec 2008, 6:59, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Heeerr is my pixure

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 1:28, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You can't beat a bit of beefy.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 1:20, Reply)

IF
THE TROLLS WANT TO BE FUNNY, THEY SHOULD JUST POST PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES. NOW THOSE WOULD BE FUNNIER THAN TONIGHT'S SPUNKDRINKINGLY BORING EFFORTS.
(Itsme Beaverwax, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 0:23, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Have any of you boys ever sat on a traffic cone, and managed to reach the second white stripe?
I ease my way past stripe number one, but can't quite get to the magic stripe 2.
My father once smeared butter on the cone and I swear we almost reached uncharted territory, but I came over the television and we couldn't scrape the mess out from between the power button for weeks.
We told mother that we had spilled mayonnaise and she happily bought it.
Do any of you have tips?
(Jam Master etc, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 0:09, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Apart from everyone on here's cholesteroLOL

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 0:05, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Nothing much.

( Zuowan, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 0:02, Reply)

S'up.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The conversation moves too quickly for me, that's the trouble, Lex.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:38, Reply)

I bet I'm the happiest person here.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:35, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I for one would love to watch you suck off sailors and listen to Cliff.
This is one of my favouorite things to do also.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:27, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Would anybody like to watch me suck off a few Sailors?
Nothing relaxes me more than a bit of Cliff Richard on the stereo and three Sailors inside me at once.
(Jam Master etc, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:26, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Did some uggo delete a post?
I WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THAT. :(
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:25, Reply)

I'm going to pretend to be Baldmonkey's Dad, so as to raise a smile amongst people who want to tell the internet that they've lead a tough life.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Whose got the most aspergers here?
I've level 67 self-diagnosed aspergers with colonic-bet-wetting boots of justice giving me a +9 on an attack roll. That my dad gave me for being ugly.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:24, Reply)

You are also wrong to assume anyone on the internet cares about this.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:20, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I also favour eugenics
but only for Alan Carr lookalikes
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:20, Reply)

Although I also favour eugenics and would have ugly people like you killed.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:19, Reply)

No.
I think you are perfectly reasonable.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:18, Reply)

shrta pst
l'l
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:14, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

lol short post
lol
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 22:35, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

faith in mankind
Well its fair to say I have had a cunt of a day. It’s often really hard to get the simplest things done here in Dubai. As Samuel L famously demanded – example? Well, I realised I had forgotten a direct debit was due to come off my account in two days. I had moved my money around a couple of accounts and sent a good wedge back to Mrs. Spimf.

But that left me short for the impending Direct Debit. A simple matter in the UK, one that even involves options.

1. call bank have payment date deferred to a suitable date

2. arrange temporary overdraft for a piffling 200 quid

3. transfer funds from another account via phone banking or internet banking – both of which are services available here – neither of which actually work.

Ok so I tried option three - a week ago. The nice lady on the phone was Indian – she seemed to struggle with my not very thick Scottish accent. Never the less she ASSURED me it would be done in time – I checked yesterday – no record of the transaction. What you must understand is that the culture here is that you cannot say no, and you cannot admit you do not understand. So the easy and most commonplace option is to say 'yes sir'. Then endeavor to do the sum total of fuck all.

So in a slight panic – reason being you do NOT want to default on a payment here (you can if you are local because they have Insha'Allah, what this means is that they can CATEGORICALLY assure you they will do something but if they fail it is not their fault it ‘was not the will of god’. Literally it means "God willing" or "If it is God's will" effectively it means ‘hopefully’ or 'if i can be arsed'). But for expats it works this way: bounce one cheque / Direct Debit severe warning. Bounce two: jail. Simple as.

So I called my bank – and this ain't the bank of Sand and Dates were talking this is ‘The World's local bank’:

“Can I arrange a temporary overdraft?”

“Certainly sir all we need is a letter form your employer, a salary statement stamped by the company sponsor and it will be processed and approved within 1 week.”

“o…kay? Can I maybe transfer funds from another account”

“Yes sir, but you have to do this in a branch that handles cash transfers”

“o…kay? Where is the nearest”

“Oh sir it is only (40 min dive through nutter traffic on constantly changing road network to a port authority area precisely in the middle of cunt all)”

“Ok I’ll go there, can you give me directions”

“Certainly sir” – utterly wrong directions were then given

Basically I was directed to a bank in the middle of nowhere that was closed when I arrived there at 4pm. Must have been then late spimfy? – no they were directing me on the phone at 3.20pm to a branch they knew was shut at 3pm – because it was 'not their place to tell me that’

Fucking. Spiffing.

I phoned my ‘personal banking and investment advisor’ and tried very hard not to threaten to come round and feed his spleen to him over a protracted period. The reason I had been given directions to a closed branch when I had explained my precise fiscal requirements is at best a conundrum. When I did loose the rag he informed me that there was in fact a ‘fast cash deposit ATM facility’ – literally feed the notes in like an NCP car park machine and it credits the offending account instantly!.

THE CUNTING THING WAS IN AN OFFICE BEHIND THE FUCKING BASTARD BUILDING I WORK IN.

So you will forgive me if I got a bit peeved this afternoon.

So this evening I went over to my usual eatery: Sezzamo’s in the mall of the emirates. The staff there are just lovely towards me. They greet me like a long lost friend, wait on me hand and foot and bring me free cheesecake. I always chat with them and tip well, but not ostentatiously – not Tony Soprano; ‘get your wife something nice” while tucking a wedge in their shirt pocket sort of nonsense.

I sit quietly read my book try and ignore my BASTARD blackberry and tip 20%. This is made easy by the fact they give me a 20% discount anyway.

But today my faith in mankind was restored, Pradip, a lovely little fella from Nepal who only gets to go home once a year seemed very pleased to see me. He had just returned from a month at home with his family (he even emailed me while he was there). He rushed off and came back clutching a plastic carrier bag. It contained:

1. One stunning pure silk top quality pashmina for ‘Madame’
2. One really cool t shirt with a tantric print and a quote from Zep – “all is one and one is all”
3. One DVD of Nepal and the Himalayas “so my little boy could see really big mountains”

I had to call my wife and get her to distract me because I was starting to cry in the restaurant.

I’m going home in two days and I now suddenly feel festive at last.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 20:39, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Not the Best or the Brightest in any sense.
So there is a woman who called the police to report that her house had been burglarized. The police appear on her doorstep where she proceeds to tell them all of her furniture and electronics were stolen. The police have a look around and things seem a bit off. They ask her a few questions. Very quickly she admits that her house had not been broken into and nothing was stolen, she staged the whole thing.

So what do the police do next? (Aside from arresting her for filing a false report that is.) Why, they do what they are required to do any time they have contact with a member of the public....they run her for warrants.

Wouldn't you know it, she just happens to have an outstanding warrant for a felony theft.

The irony abounds.



And this is an example of the type lovely person idiot I deal with every day. At least they are good for a laugh.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Mon 15 Dec 2008, 19:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chocolates
A grateful client brought a box of posh choccys in to one of our designers today, and good bloke that he is, he immediately opened them when she went and offered everybody one.
I took one at random, popped it into my mouth and nearly retched.

It was only VIOLET flavoured

What the hell is that about?

It's bad enough having to dodge the Turkish Delight and Coffee ones, but now they've added 'Grandma's pants drawer flavour'

Is it some kind of Government anti-obesity plot to make us all stop eating chocolates?
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 17:53, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Monday night is here.
And look what Gin made for us:

( thealternativefact, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 17:44, 208 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

pooing next to the toilet
This seems to be a phenomenon that crops up from time to time in public loos. What gives? Is there a section of society who has a phobia of using a toilet? Is there a secret fetish I don't know about? Its not like they slipped off at the last minute either. These are entire poos that have been crafted to lay next to the toilet. It's almost as if the toilet is a mere armrest to these people.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 16:23, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello third world internet.
What was YOUR highlight of the weekend*?



*Or, if you're a bit lonely and want to show off in front of girls, feel free to mix up that previous sentence into something that makes you want to argue with somebody you'll never, ever meet on the internet.
JMG holds the right not to respond if he has no idea who you are or what you're going on about. No fat birds.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Mon 15 Dec 2008, 16:01, 57 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

George R. R. Martin
Does anybody else read the Song of Fire and Ice series?

Well I did and I absolutely loved it, YAY thought I, a new awesome serious by an amazing writer!

I have now been waiting for the new book for years, it's been set about 2 years behind deadline already. Which is frustrating. But I thought, poor ol' George, he's obviously suffering from pressure problems and writer's block. So I found his 'not a blog' on livejournal and decide I will lurk it to lend encouragement and focus and stuff.

And it is there that I realise that the damn bastard has been writing several other projects at the same time, (which he seems to have no problem spewing out) AND spends the rest of his time watching stupid american football games! DAMN IT GEORGE!

All sympathy for him is now gone and all that remains is a low, simmering rage. HBO apparently have commissioned a pilot episode for Fire and Ice, but frankly, I see no point in them making a tv show about it when he's obviously lost heart in writing the series and just can't admit it. He'll never finish it. And now I'm sad :(
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bass Question
I'm looking at getting an electro-acoustic bass.
I've got about £400 to spend.
Anyone got any advice on what to avoid, or recommendations?
( Cawl, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:45, 35 replies, latest was 16 years ago)