baby
you can drive my car
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:06, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Oh lord, wont ya buy me, a Mercedes Benz
ma friends all got Porsches, ah must make amends
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:10, Reply)

hang on
i'm the wife, i thought YOU were supposed to be buying stuff for ME?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:14, Reply)

But I wanted to be a kept man
y'know, a scrounger
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:20, Reply)

oh, i see
answer the following questions correctly and it's a done deal:

can you cook/clean/iron/do the garden?
do you look damn fine in a pinny doing all of the above?
if i ask you whether you really prefer blondes about 15 times a week will you lie to me convincingly?
can you talk bollocks about football to my dad/brothers?
will you put out three times a week or more and clear your schedule every other weekend for blow-job sunday?

if so, name your model, colour and preferred engine size, and expect delivery of your mercedes benz within 6-8 weeks.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:25, Reply)

The football thing may be a problem
Although I really tried to get into it a few years ago. I went to matches and everything including 2 play-off finals (one in cardiff and one in wembly).

But it's just sooooooooo tedious.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:32, Reply)

on the plus side, that was the least important
unless you are just letting me down gently...

anyway, all that is required is the ability to fake enthusiasm convincingly and toss out a few authoritative phrases like "tevez will never be able to leave city" or "rooney is just not in the game today".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Will they appreciate lines like
"If he were a rugby player, he'd just get up and carry on instead of rolling around like a nancy boy"?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:37, Reply)

you can take these things too far
criticising the Beautiful Game can also lead to disinheritance
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:44, Reply)

I reckon I could do that
I just need to talk about a football team like I belong to it, e.g. "I really think WE can do it this season"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:40, Reply)

yes yes yes
see, you had me convinced.

although choice of football team can be an important factor here. go for manchester city or liverpool and we'll never get to spend our married life cruising around various holiday destinations because i'll have been disinherited.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:44, Reply)

In that case i'll support "Overpaid Benders United"
that's the team for me. Supported 'em all me life. "Gooooooo BENDERS!"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:49, Reply)

I am told that Fulham supporters
refer to themselves as 'The Cottagers'. This may have been a wind-up though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:51, Reply)

With your love of killing yourself with illegal drugs
you could try supporting Charlton. They're the "addicts".
( Kroney, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Hahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

well
the ground is called "craven cottage" you see.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

And they're fucking benders.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

this is not narrowing it down
not even a little bit. maybe we should go back to what you might look like doing the ironing in a "my wife went to the caribbean and all i got was this lousy AIDS" pinafore?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:53, Reply)

I want that pinny and I WANT IT NOW
*stamps foot*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:58, Reply)

Getting a bit gay there, Drac
have you forgotten about the frequent sex clause?
( Kroney, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

Ah yes,
but check the small print. It could be 'frequent sex with a dance instructor called Carlos'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:00, Reply)

as a lawyer and a girl
i resent the implication that i would sneak in devious alternative meanings and small print
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:02, Reply)

I fully support the calling of footballists gay

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Dear God I hate that so much.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:47, Reply)

i used to tackle my brother about it
can't be arsed now. many years of being ignored will do that to a girl.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:50, Reply)

What do you hate about football so much Monty?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:50, Reply)

It's a sport for queers, by queers.

Queers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Hmm.
You seem to be suggesting that I'm a queer 'cos I like football.

I'm sure you like some things that are bent as well.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Nope. Nothing.
And yes, yes I am. Sport is inherently pathetic:

'Look! I can run/jump/whatever really fast/high etc!!'

Well done. I stopped being impressed by that sort of thing when I was about 5. But football is the worst of a bad lot. Bunch of ghastly proles mincing about crying and cuddling each other: benders - nasty, common little benders, the lot of them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

"Bunch of ghastly proles mincing about crying and cuddling each other: benders - nasty, common little benders, the lot of them."

you have excelled yourself here.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:00, Reply)

Why, thank you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Well, when you put it like that....
You'd have loved the Bristol City 'ability' team, it was made up of various adults with learning difficulties, they used to come out at half time and have a kick about with other people with leaning problems.

It was the most entertaining thing I've ever seen at Ashton Gate in 30 years of going.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:01, Reply)

That would have been entertaining, I concede.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:08, Reply)

It was, especially as two or three of them clearly had absolutely no idea
whatsoever as to what they were supposed to be doing.

It was a full on mong convention, only with goalposts and a ball.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:11, Reply)

aka 'a normal game of football'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Oh no, this was special.
And not just special needs.

I believe there was a small chorus of 'You're just a team full of Deacons' at one point.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Only 'cos you're facing relegation this season.
I'm getting good at this talking shite about football malarky.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:51, Reply)

you are
you must REALLY want this mercedes-benz*

* mercedes benz is hypothetical and remains the property of rswipe llp at all times. terms and conditions apply.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 15:55, Reply)