Just write something boring like
'Happy Birthday, I hope you have a super day' or something noncommittal, it'll add to your allure and make you seem all mysterious and junk!

I helped a few people at work steal a massive Guinness stool from a pub... although we weren’t very subtle, we just draped a coat over it and legged it!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:44, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Holy shit look who it is!
I stole a pub stool once, just a little one though.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:46, Reply)

stole passed

you could have gone to the toilet you filthy fuck
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Allllright!
A little stool hey? Was it shaped like a mighty pint of Guinness though?

How did you go about the theft? Did you try to be subtle?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Picked it up and walked out like I owned it
Confidence is 90% of everything
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

This is all too true
Like a guy who walked into where I used to work and took a windscreen out of a new Ford Focus and just walked out... no-one stopped him... he had blue overalls on though which is an outfit that commands power!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

I've had a few massive Guinness stools in my time
they'd make you wish for outdoor plumbing.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Or an M&S carrier bag

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Oh noes! :S

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

haa haha
I've got it working now, which is a good job as I only had wine carrier bags left, those thick paper ones with string handles...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

You would have to be a good shit shot too

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

I've had massive Guiness stools
most unpleasant

Edit - mindpiss
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Hmmm...
I think we're talking about something different... I could be wrong here... but I think you're talking about poo.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

*Hangs head in shame*

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

Don't be shamed
It's not your fault you have big smelly poos whereas I pass sunshine and rainbows!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Easier to see who's got the better deal, though
At least insofar as I can't think of a situation in which it would be advantageous to painfully eject a mass of steaming, Guinness-blackened bodily refuse on an approximately diurnal basis.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Maybe at a Guinness Parade?
It's all part of the process?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Haha! I like this suggestion
Particularly since I think Guinness have been quite keen that the slogan
"good things come to those who wait"
prevail over
"it makes you fat and turns your shit black."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

I'll never understand why they
went with the 1st slogan option!?!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:05, Reply)

It's a little ironic, I think.
Because, fair enough, you have to wait for them to finish pouring it, after which you get a Good Thing - a fresh pint of Guinness. But, as this subthread has surely evinced, eventually something Very Bad will come to those who have waited and are continuing to wait...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:08, Reply)

this whole subthread is exceptionally unpleasant, mind

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Didn't you used to engaged in scatological sexual practices?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Well, to paraphrase Shakespeare,
Some are born shit, some achieve shit and some have shit thrust upon them.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:00, Reply)

no, no way and never

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:00, Reply)

I would like to draw the attention of the jury to the following exhibit:
b3ta.com/questions/itsover/

Winning story
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:02, Reply)

motion to strike out
approved

that was NOT me! and i RAN AWAY! FAST!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Ha, motion!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:12, Reply)

she's got a glass coffee table especially for that

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:01, Reply)

oddly enough
i actually do have a glass coffee table and dining table. not for that though!

they are beautiful but god they are a pain in the arse. every fucking fingerprint...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:02, Reply)

I'd hate the noise of things clanging around on the surface

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:05, Reply)

you aren't allowed to put things on them
you might scratch them! and they were VERY EXPENSIVE.

(unlike my dfs sofas and argos side-table)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:06, Reply)

HOW MUCH AND BY WHICH DESIGNER?
THIS IS IMPORTANT!
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:07, Reply)

can't remember the designer
some italian dude, they are handmade wood in swirly shapes and then glass tops.

the coffee table was about £2.5k, the dining table about £4.5k and the chocolate suede chairs £650 each (x6). only at this point did dad announce that i had a £10k budget for furniture. i did my maths. realised i was still short of sofas, beds, cutlery and other kitchen equipment, towels, tv...

sometimes it is important to write these things out just to remind yourself what a totally incompetent fuckwit you can be.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:10, Reply)

I demand a Bateman-esque description of the items in question.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:18, Reply)

kinda like this
www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://furnish.co.uk/photos/articles/regular/dining-tables/dining-tables-6771.jpg%3F1292787161&imgrefurl=http://furnish.co.uk/features/677-spotlight-on-tom-schneider&usg=__UlrLIpyJYdHWzlzdyx3B_9YBb8U=&h=400&w=384&sz=13&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=NreARuJZiHbd3M:&tbnh=163&tbnw=156&ei=3YVmTc2eM9O3hAe8je2sDQ&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtom%2Bschneider%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1260%26bih%3D839%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=1014&vpy=445&dur=125&hovh=229&hovw=220&tx=180&ty=105&oei=3YVmTc2eM9O3hAe8je2sDQ&page=1&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:17,s:0
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:22, Reply)

I wouldn't buy it
but it is pretty.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:25, Reply)

mine is much paler wood and
a different shape and all sorts. that was just the closest i could find!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

fucking hell
I could furnish a whole street for 10k
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:28, Reply)

i did the rest of the flat for a fraction of that
i had to!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

I furnished a house for about £45 quid
freecycle FTW
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:36, Reply)

pikey

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

and yet strangely beguiling..?
No you're right, its just unpleasant isn't it! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

yes
it is basically men talking about their toilet habits after drinking guinness.

talking about toilet habits is NEVER A GOOD THING.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:59, Reply)

True true
But this is B3ta - home of poo and rainbows
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

it's the only thing i'm prudish about, funnily enough
sex, religion, money, all other taboo topics are fine. but i am more likely to say something like "i'm just going to the euphemism" or "may i borrow your bathroom" if i have had one diet coke too many than admit openly that i am going for a piss.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:04, Reply)

In defence of this practice,
B3ta has encouraged such conversation with no fewer than two Questions of the Week asking for stories of a scatological nature.

(And in my defence, I only rarely drink Guinness...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

This is all true!
I do like a nice Guinness every now and then. Although I went on a work thing to Brussels last year and was forced to drink too many pints of G and then have weird coffee and evil shots... the next day I went off it a bit! :S
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:11, Reply)

You went all the way to Brussels and they made you drink Guinness?
*facepalms*
I think I'd have handed in my notice the following day, if I'd been you...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Yeah I'm not sure what that was all about
I was with one of the Partners who's Irish so he was looking for an Irish bar... don't worry though I had chips with mayo and got groped by a French guy so I got my Brussels experience!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:16, Reply)

you are a Care Bear AICMFP

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Care Bears GO!
*puts on jet pack and flies into a tree*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:00, Reply)

Well THAT'S a massive fucking lie.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:17, Reply)

How would you know
The house always smells of your poo anyways.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:20, Reply)