What shall I write in a colleage's birthday card?
I don't know them that well and will only be pretending to put money into the collection.

ALT: What have you stolen? I once stole a cat, but I gave it back.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:09, 126 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'm sleeping with your wife
She's a crap lay

All the best Nakedape xxx
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

"It's OK, the test was negative"
I stole the reception rug from King's once. It was about 10' square. required an almost military operation to pull it off. Still, that showed the Strand Poly tossers.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

er, HELLO

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Did you go to Kings?
Ah, that does explain a lot.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

what, like my mercurial intelligence and dazzling social skills, you mean?
i think those were hereditary, but thanks.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:25, Reply)

they'd have to be
you wouldn't have got them drinking in the Waterfront..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

we were way too cool for the waterfront
or tutu's.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:27, Reply)

thank fuck for that.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

well who isn't?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

I would imagine - me

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

We did have a rule that we would go there on a weds afternoon
if our hockey games were cancelled, but that was only to play "beat the barman" so when you show up for the sole purpose of righteously fucking off the staff I don't think that's any indication of your coolness.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

then again
nor is playing hockey after the age of 12, so...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

course not.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Hereditary and wonderful.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:27, Reply)

you are a man of some taste i admit

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

I am indeed.
As evidenced by my choices for the bunker/ world repopulation project.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:29, Reply)

"You pull strange faces in your sleep."
(And, obviously, don't sign it.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

I like that.
especially as a small part of a subtle campaign over months to turn them insane
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

This is a good one
You could easily hide this if loads of people have signed the card
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

If only there was a standard goodwill comment for birthdays
how about "Merry Birthday", nah, "Jolly Birthday"..."Have an opposite of sad birthday"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

You are here


















The point is here
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Tell me their first name and i'll write you a birthday poem for the card
it wont be a very good poem
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Stephen

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

even
heavin'
leavin'

i think you'll have to call him steve. much more rhyming goodness. eave. heave. leave. see?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:21, Reply)

Dutch Schteve only does "soft cock" now.
a/c
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Yesh, which is where you have to push it in with your thumb or a winkelpoker.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

Shtill, it ish better than schooting up your schquid to death.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

And when he died he was only 20 kilosh, which is two, maybe three, schquirrels.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:54, Reply)

*punches air*
yesh.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:04, Reply)

There once was a man called Stephen
Who noticed his balls were uneven
When he pulled on the right
The left shot out of sight
Not the effect he was keen on achievin'
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Hurrah!

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

*Bows*

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

*cricket applause*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

One day I shall tell you about the man from Devizes
whose balls were of two different sizes
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

why do you know so many men with wonky bonking balls?
is it a west cunt-ree thing?

*gimme six*...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

Yes, it's a somerset tradition to have one of your bollocks bound with twine
We have annual "wonky bollock" competitions and the winner is crowned King of the known world and then sacrificed in a burning wicker man.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:43, Reply)

i am sure that at least 2 bits of this are actually true

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

actually
i think he should put exactly what he did up there ^^

free comedy for the rest of the office who sign it after him. office gossip - the gift that keeps on giving.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

"I'm too embarrassed to tell you in person, but you smell of wee"
And then sign it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

*giggles*

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

he was talking to you!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

No I wasn't.
And don't be mean to Blousie.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

unintentional typo
shows that it is you being mean. the truth will out.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Oh yeah.
I've changed it now.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:23, Reply)

Congratulations on your new arrival
Alt:
We nicked a salt bin once with the intention of chucking it off the Wear bridge but it was too heavy to get over the railings.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

I have been party to the pilfering of a plastic plant from McDonalds.
Put...Happy Birthday and can I have your stapler when you're fired.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:19, Reply)

"Sorry to see you go mate, it wasn't my decision"
and get everyone who signs it after you to put much the same
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:21, Reply)

"After you touch this card, smell your fingers"
alt: my friends and I had a thing for stealing traffic cones when we were in high school
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Not mine, but genius

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

hahahahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:25, Reply)

What the...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:27, Reply)

I LOVE THIS!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:27, Reply)

man, that's top quality.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:29, Reply)

...so that's what happened

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:31, Reply)

There isn't enough rust in the world....

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

not anymore

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:37, Reply)

.... to your marina?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:46, Reply)

yeesh

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

"Cheerio Stephen!"
"Despite what everyone said about you, I thought you were okay"

alt: a granite kerbstone, the thing must've weighed at least 40 kilos. We sobered up and put it back.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:31, Reply)

You reminded me
Me and Mrs Cow stole a load of roof slates "just in case" when our estate was being built. We may have been drinking for 15 hours straight when this happened and also may have set our own alarm off when stashing them in the garage
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

hahaha!
still got them?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:46, Reply)

I do indeed
They are "weathering" down the side of the house
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

weathered to match eh?
nice
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:54, Reply)

I'm all about the details
but mainly the full garage
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:55, Reply)

"Deepest Condolences"

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:31, Reply)

Alt: the hearts of a million beautiful women.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

and how many ugly ones?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

You worked at John Radcliff?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

wo
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

"happy birthday, you cock-juggling thundercunt"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

You are Hannibal King AICMFP

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

'hope you die of AIDS you fucking spastic'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

I like the sentiment, but must pull you up on the technicality that
whilst AIDs is a hideous debilitating disease, most sufferers actually die of an illness related to the break down in their immune system.

This is why that utter bender Darth always has "a bit of a sniffle"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

That may be sperm leaking from his nose

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Ha ha ha

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I really wish I didn't find this funny

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:43, Reply)

I'm pleased you did
It made me do a little mouth sick
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

indeed..
it's almost always pneumonia, as it goes.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

pneuMANia

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Just write something boring like
'Happy Birthday, I hope you have a super day' or something noncommittal, it'll add to your allure and make you seem all mysterious and junk!

I helped a few people at work steal a massive Guinness stool from a pub... although we weren’t very subtle, we just draped a coat over it and legged it!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:44, Reply)

Holy shit look who it is!
I stole a pub stool once, just a little one though.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:46, Reply)

stole passed

you could have gone to the toilet you filthy fuck
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Allllright!
A little stool hey? Was it shaped like a mighty pint of Guinness though?

How did you go about the theft? Did you try to be subtle?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Picked it up and walked out like I owned it
Confidence is 90% of everything
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

This is all too true
Like a guy who walked into where I used to work and took a windscreen out of a new Ford Focus and just walked out... no-one stopped him... he had blue overalls on though which is an outfit that commands power!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

I've had a few massive Guinness stools in my time
they'd make you wish for outdoor plumbing.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Or an M&S carrier bag

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Oh noes! :S

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

haa haha
I've got it working now, which is a good job as I only had wine carrier bags left, those thick paper ones with string handles...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

You would have to be a good shit shot too

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

I've had massive Guiness stools
most unpleasant

Edit - mindpiss
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Hmmm...
I think we're talking about something different... I could be wrong here... but I think you're talking about poo.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

*Hangs head in shame*

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

Don't be shamed
It's not your fault you have big smelly poos whereas I pass sunshine and rainbows!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Easier to see who's got the better deal, though
At least insofar as I can't think of a situation in which it would be advantageous to painfully eject a mass of steaming, Guinness-blackened bodily refuse on an approximately diurnal basis.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Maybe at a Guinness Parade?
It's all part of the process?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Haha! I like this suggestion
Particularly since I think Guinness have been quite keen that the slogan
"good things come to those who wait"
prevail over
"it makes you fat and turns your shit black."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

I'll never understand why they
went with the 1st slogan option!?!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:05, Reply)

It's a little ironic, I think.
Because, fair enough, you have to wait for them to finish pouring it, after which you get a Good Thing - a fresh pint of Guinness. But, as this subthread has surely evinced, eventually something Very Bad will come to those who have waited and are continuing to wait...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:08, Reply)

this whole subthread is exceptionally unpleasant, mind

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Didn't you used to engaged in scatological sexual practices?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Well, to paraphrase Shakespeare,
Some are born shit, some achieve shit and some have shit thrust upon them.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:00, Reply)

no, no way and never

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:00, Reply)

I would like to draw the attention of the jury to the following exhibit:
b3ta.com/questions/itsover/

Winning story
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:02, Reply)

motion to strike out
approved

that was NOT me! and i RAN AWAY! FAST!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Ha, motion!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:12, Reply)

she's got a glass coffee table especially for that

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:01, Reply)

oddly enough
i actually do have a glass coffee table and dining table. not for that though!

they are beautiful but god they are a pain in the arse. every fucking fingerprint...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:02, Reply)

I'd hate the noise of things clanging around on the surface

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:05, Reply)

you aren't allowed to put things on them
you might scratch them! and they were VERY EXPENSIVE.

(unlike my dfs sofas and argos side-table)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:06, Reply)

HOW MUCH AND BY WHICH DESIGNER?
THIS IS IMPORTANT!
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:07, Reply)

can't remember the designer
some italian dude, they are handmade wood in swirly shapes and then glass tops.

the coffee table was about £2.5k, the dining table about £4.5k and the chocolate suede chairs £650 each (x6). only at this point did dad announce that i had a £10k budget for furniture. i did my maths. realised i was still short of sofas, beds, cutlery and other kitchen equipment, towels, tv...

sometimes it is important to write these things out just to remind yourself what a totally incompetent fuckwit you can be.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:10, Reply)

I demand a Bateman-esque description of the items in question.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:18, Reply)

kinda like this
www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://furnish.co.uk/photos/articles/regular/dining-tables/dining-tables-6771.jpg%3F1292787161&imgrefurl=http://furnish.co.uk/features/677-spotlight-on-tom-schneider&usg=__UlrLIpyJYdHWzlzdyx3B_9YBb8U=&h=400&w=384&sz=13&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=NreARuJZiHbd3M:&tbnh=163&tbnw=156&ei=3YVmTc2eM9O3hAe8je2sDQ&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtom%2Bschneider%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1260%26bih%3D839%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=1014&vpy=445&dur=125&hovh=229&hovw=220&tx=180&ty=105&oei=3YVmTc2eM9O3hAe8je2sDQ&page=1&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:17,s:0
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:22, Reply)

I wouldn't buy it
but it is pretty.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:25, Reply)

mine is much paler wood and
a different shape and all sorts. that was just the closest i could find!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

fucking hell
I could furnish a whole street for 10k
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:28, Reply)

i did the rest of the flat for a fraction of that
i had to!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

I furnished a house for about £45 quid
freecycle FTW
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:36, Reply)

pikey

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

and yet strangely beguiling..?
No you're right, its just unpleasant isn't it! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

yes
it is basically men talking about their toilet habits after drinking guinness.

talking about toilet habits is NEVER A GOOD THING.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:59, Reply)

True true
But this is B3ta - home of poo and rainbows
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

it's the only thing i'm prudish about, funnily enough
sex, religion, money, all other taboo topics are fine. but i am more likely to say something like "i'm just going to the euphemism" or "may i borrow your bathroom" if i have had one diet coke too many than admit openly that i am going for a piss.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:04, Reply)

In defence of this practice,
B3ta has encouraged such conversation with no fewer than two Questions of the Week asking for stories of a scatological nature.

(And in my defence, I only rarely drink Guinness...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

This is all true!
I do like a nice Guinness every now and then. Although I went on a work thing to Brussels last year and was forced to drink too many pints of G and then have weird coffee and evil shots... the next day I went off it a bit! :S
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:11, Reply)

You went all the way to Brussels and they made you drink Guinness?
*facepalms*
I think I'd have handed in my notice the following day, if I'd been you...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Yeah I'm not sure what that was all about
I was with one of the Partners who's Irish so he was looking for an Irish bar... don't worry though I had chips with mayo and got groped by a French guy so I got my Brussels experience!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:16, Reply)

you are a Care Bear AICMFP

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Care Bears GO!
*puts on jet pack and flies into a tree*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:00, Reply)

Well THAT'S a massive fucking lie.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:17, Reply)

How would you know
The house always smells of your poo anyways.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:20, Reply)

You should write 'please help me, I cannot spell the word 'colleague''

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 17:07, Reply)