The Land of Heart's Desire
Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,
For I would ride with you upon the wind,
Run on the top of the dishevelled tide,
And dance upon the mountains like a flame!

Come dance upon the mountains with me, Otters! What's your heart's desire?

Hur hur, he said Faeries.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:21, 55 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sympathy reply

( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:36, Reply)

I love you man
*hugs*

I just emailed a Spurs Fan website because their match report described West Brom as, and I quote: "a team that has spent the best part of the season in the relegation battle ".

I suspect that my factual refutation of this vile calumny will not result in the issuance of a correction.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:45, Reply)

I hope you also pointed out that
Spurs have been in a battle for 5th all season.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:49, Reply)

I'm afraid I didn't find time for that
too busy pointing out we've been in the top half for most of the season, only in the bottom 3 for 3 weeks out of 33, and suggesting otherwise is lazy journalism that relies on the Albion stereotype of relegation/promotion without referencing the FACTS of the CURRENT season.

Actually I was nicer than that as I'd drunk less then.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:17, Reply)

Probably not.
I'm happy because today I recieved an email offering me a job as a freelance power kite instrutor down in Cornwall this summer. Sun, sea, sand and pretty women wandering around in bikinis here I come!
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:50, Reply)

Result!
Where in Cornwall are you going to be based?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Don't know yet
The place that's taking me on has a few different locations, and I've asked them where the most work is likely to be. Ideally I'd like to be in Newquay as I have some friends there, but we'll see how it goes.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:04, Reply)

Fantastic!
You're ahead of the game if you have a job you can tolerate, to be doing something you really enjoy is awesome!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:07, Reply)

Just been looking through their site a bit more
All their land stuff is done at one beach very close to Newquay, so it seems I've got myself a perfect summer job ;)
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:17, Reply)

I quite like my job,
but it's not flying a kite on a beach.

/rues poor career choices
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:04, Reply)

Oh I don't imagine I can make a career of it
It doesn't pay spectacularly well (or rather it does, but not very regularly), and it's very summer/tourist orientated. As this is a part-time job I'll have very busy times and very quiet times - I'll probably have to look into something like a couple of nights of bar work a week and angle for a more full time place next summer.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:20, Reply)

Well we all know what my heart's desire is.
I've had a lovely weekend : )
( girlinthehole, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 20:54, Reply)

One of my own
Retire, I thought for thou art young,
And canst frolic in the woodlands with the hounds,
Little did I know the angst thus brung,
By those who knew that I was kicking 'rounds.

"A little job" said Bill, a mate of old,
An easy Sunday morning cash in hand,
And I did take it, for the truth be told,
I'm a bugger for cash on demand.

Partition wall and plaster board to strip,
An easy job for any handyman,
But this bastard one was well beyond our grip,
And it fucked us like no cheap job ever can.

For these walls were held in place with solid beams,
And battened in with solid bolts of steel,
A big big job - so looking at it seems,
And an even bigger hoplessness we feel.

But as we stared despondant at the bolt blanks,
There came a thought, which could not have been kinder,
I rushed off home and silently I gave thanks,
To the man who invented the fuck-off angle-grinder.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:03, Reply)

Alright TD

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Not bad - knackered though
All of the above is true - I've spent the day taking a plasterboard partition wall out via the very unconventional means of a circular saw and angle grinder.

We found an empty pack of Players No 6 stuffed in the back of it.

Whoever put it up meant it to last.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:18, Reply)

Swapping their homework for footwork,
Kicking the ball till its dark,

Here go Jossy's Giants,
Footballs just a branch of science,
Head the ball, now Jossy calls...

Jossy's Giants!!??

Dependable, Reliant
Put your faith in Jossy's Giants
Get stuck in, we're gonna win...

Jossy's Giants!!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:41, Reply)

Good stuff
I once wrote a Petrarchan Sonnet for a long distance girlfriend.

Never ended up actually meeting her, which is a pity because Petrarch was a cunt and that format is really fucking hard.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:11, Reply)

It's OK
I have a rather large doggerel project in my head, and because doggerel doesn't follow any form it'll be very difficult to keep it restrained.

Maybe, maybe not.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:32, Reply)

I'm reading In the Land of Oz by Howard Jacobson
and rather enjoying it. No surprise, really, that all my heart's current desires lie in Australia.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:09, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=McsWKczU6wc
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:12, Reply)

I'm watching BBC2 at the moment.
They've just booked a private plane. I wonder what will happen next.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:32, Reply)

What - all of BBC2 have booked a private plane?
If it's going to meet a sticky end I hope Clarkson is on it.

And Steve Wright. That's Radio 2 but he deserves a horrible death anyway.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:36, Reply)

I think this show is the original 'Lost'

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:40, Reply)

So you mean...
A glamourous, padded version of Flann O'Brien's "The Third Policeman."
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Steve Wright, aka Wayne Carr In The Afternoon.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Correct!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zmGqDXwO5U
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:49, Reply)

I had a couple of his novelty records when I was 12 or so
I think my brother might still have them...
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:51, Reply)

Doesn't matter any more
Because I've bought a digital radio for both cars (hey, look at me - two cars and two digital radios in 'em, eh?) so I can avoid the egotistical cunt ANY TIME I LIKE.

But I'd still like to make him suffer for being unfunny on national radio since 1981.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 22:03, Reply)

How is the new job going TD?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 22:06, Reply)

New job schmoo job
I have retired.

I start trading on Jun 1st and I'm pretty much ready.

The big thing is getting out and selling the product. In itself that isn't a problem because I'm really the only salesman I'd ever trust, and I'm a damned good salesman.

I've already got work through the back door, I've got a rather nice website coming together (I'll let you see it when it's finished) and I've got me.

Not a problem. I'll miss driving, but if you cast your mind back I never wanted the driver manager job anyway so you might say that I've been pushed into this.

Regrets? I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. And I fucking AM doing it my way.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 22:25, Reply)

Woo! Go TD and his one man machine.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 22:28, Reply)

Maybe I am
I'm a good gardener, an OK builder, I can fall back on my PCV if everything goes to pot - if I really really have to I can put on a tie again and go back into production management and if my own little bubble of civilisation bursts - I'm still registered as a Lloyd's broker.

This venture will come good. I know it will. It's not going to make me millions but I don't want millions. It'll keep me satisfied on an intellectual and logistical level and really that's all I want.

I'm a confident, happy little soul. I don't really belong here do I?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 22:48, Reply)

If you're going to continue posting here you need some sort of issue.
Make something up if your life is perfect.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 22:55, Reply)

No, my life isn't perfect
If it was, I'd not be posting shite on a Sunday evening.

Never really got over my divorce, for one thing.

Left the lucrative high-falutin' world of insurance brokerage due to a crippling breakdown for another.

But I take what I can and make the most of it.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:03, Reply)

How is your brother doing?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:06, Reply)

Recovering nicely
But now transferred to our parent's house in Cumbria, partially due to certain differences of opinion which I'd rather not go into, and partially because our dad is in a worse state at the moment.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:17, Reply)

Christ, it never rains for you does it.
It's been pissing down since Christmas.

Is your old man okay?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:18, Reply)

I read PCV as PVC
and assumed you made submissive women lick your boots for £150/hour.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:05, Reply)

Evening Lighty.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:07, Reply)

Evening
How did Bristol do this weekend?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:23, Reply)

We lost 3-2
Maynard got sent off, so his season is over.

We've got Darths Florest tomorrow, I can't see us getting anything there, but we are clear of the drop now. So the game will be an excuse to leave the pub for a few hours.

Did the Baggies play over the weekend?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:25, Reply)

drew 2-2 at White Hart Lane
that's 40 points, I think we're safe.

Traditionally our last away game of the season is fancy dress to honour an unofficial player of the season, I've pointed out that honoring a DR Congo or Nigerian international by wearing beads and waving plastic spears might be a *tiny* bit racist.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:31, Reply)

Surely it depends on the spirit of the celebration?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:35, Reply)

i just think its wrong
Democratic Republic of Congo shouldn't conjure bone-through-nose imagery.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 0:10, Reply)

Surely West Brom is used to this though?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 0:11, Reply)

the big deal early in the season
was that Lokomotiv Moskow were glad to see the back of peter odemwingie because he was black. West Brom are a club with a tradition of tolerance - The Three Degrees etc.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 0:34, Reply)

No tollerance of the west country though.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 0:45, Reply)

Who has though

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 0:46, Reply)

Err.. Me.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 0:49, Reply)

Well, money talks
And if someone would care to lick my wellies for a few quid who am I to turn them down?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:20, Reply)

I'm sure there's a market for itq
I'm just not sure wellies are involved
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 23:23, Reply)

they'll have a fight for the exit row seats
and then ask for tomato juice with celery salt for some odd reason.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:43, Reply)

Well I never saw THAT coming.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:44, Reply)

tomato juice in a tiny can is the most unexpected of beverages

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:48, Reply)

It isn't something I keep in.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 21:50, Reply)