i wonder how many people on here have passed off an OT or QOTW story
down the pub as "this thing happened to a friend of mine..."

of course, some people publish them in magazines. yes FHM, i'm looking at you.

i just had a call from the porter at my block to say a package has arrived for me and should he hang on to it or put it inside the flat for me. as it's from ann summers and contains fancy stockings and underwear, the thought of him handling it is making me feel a tiny bit like NEVER WEARING ANY OF THEM!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:51, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

How did you expect it to get to your flat without anyone touching it?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:53, Reply)

i don't care about people i will never see
it's just that- i KNOW the porter. and not in the kind of sense that involves him touching my delicates. not even through several layers of brown paper and plastic wrapping.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Can I have a photo of you in your PVC traffic warden's uniform?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:55, Reply)

sorry darling
it's actually a white nurse's uniform.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Do you have access to the prescription cabinate?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:01, Reply)

I hope it's wipe clean
Cos the porter will be testing it's qualities to the limits as I type.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:03, Reply)

he really would
he weighs about 25 stone.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:07, Reply)

It's worse when your neighbour/landlady takes in a parcel and it is evidently rattling metal

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:55, Reply)

haha, urrrgh
our porter had to take in my old flatmate's vibe, but that was a very subtle box, so she got away with it.

my friend jen ordered something recently, it arrived, she was happy. the next day, the company sent another identical box. she was puzzled. until she realised it was addressed to her neighbour. she had to take it round there pretending she had no idea it was a 9 inch flashing purple rabbit...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:58, Reply)

They should pack noisy things to deaden the sound.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:04, Reply)

or soft things to muffle it

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:09, Reply)

That's what I meant

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:10, Reply)

If he has access to your flat, he is probably laying on your bed right now, dressed to the nines.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:55, Reply)

He's naked.
We all are.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:03, Reply)

You probably need to get over your deep sexual hang ups before wasting money on frilly pants.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:03, Reply)

hmmm
i have many hang-ups. but in my defence, sex is not reeeeally one of them!

also, FRILLY? what kind of girl do you think i am?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:07, Reply)

One called Dave who drives a truck.
If you get the heeby jeebies at the thought of somebody handling a parcel then you have issues that would make Freud wank into pockets.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:20, Reply)

I bet Freud was a fucking nightmare to play pool with
when he was having one of those days.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:24, Reply)

" ... he's been queuing up this shot for almost five minutes
and his eyes have been closed for the last two."
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:32, Reply)

Ann Summers stuff is pure tat.
Get yourself some proper gear.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:54, Reply)

agreed
but it's only going to get covered in- never mind, let's just say it wasn't worth going to wolford!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:57, Reply)

No, no.
You have to continue this now, I'm almost at the station!
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:59, Reply)

no no that's not how it works
you have to ask me for a titgaz next.

anyone would think you didn't WANT to pander to me...!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Why would I do that?
I see enough tits on a daily basis walking through Wakefield.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:02, Reply)

ah, wakefield. i'm sick of that name
i am dealing with a big property dispute over a big property up that way (in fact, the company does IT!). if i have to go up there, i won't be happy, i tell you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Could be worse
It could be Barnsley
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Would that be Fujitsu?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:06, Reply)

nah, not that blue chip
sorry, can't say any more, don't want to do a kitty (sorry kitty!).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:08, Reply)

That's ok, as long as it isn't mine.
But if you do come up here, best places to go drinking are Harry's Bar, Fernandez Brewery Tap and the Hop.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:09, Reply)

If you come to wakefield
the best places to go drinking are Leeds.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:11, Reply)

In some cases.
The Angel is a fantastic pub. And bloody cheap too.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:13, Reply)

the thought is very cheerful
the reality would be 5 grey-suited and grey-faced and grey-haired lawyers and me stuffed around a table arguing about rights of light.

urgh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:13, Reply)

If it's ATOS
Then I can fully understand why. If it's the one round the back of the hospital (Pinderfields) then good luck with it.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:19, Reply)

*billandtedlols*

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Nah, IT Crowd mate.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Station!

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:06, Reply)

Behave will you.
Or I'll give Piston access to my account.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Bogus

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:10, Reply)

I was handed an Ann Summers catalogue the other week.
Looking through it, I was very excited to see that their underwear goes up to a J cup on some lines. NOt that I have any need to wear it, being married and boring and everything, but I'm glad they realise that some of us have ridiculous sized boobs.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:58, Reply)

to be fair
since they bought out knickerbox, they do have some pretty underwear as well as the really tacky stuff!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Yeah, but even places like La Senza only go up to an F.
It's very rare that I can find anything in Marks's either.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:03, Reply)

rigby
and

peller
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Do you think I can afford to shop there?
I can barely manage ASDA!
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:10, Reply)

with my tits
i can't afford not to!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Translated:
"Remortgage your bedsit if you have to. Just don't ever go to *sniffs* povvo M&S for a bra."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:15, Reply)

haha
She has a point though. If I could afford well-fitted bras, my boobs might not be at my waist.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:16, Reply)

They're not.
They're like Right Said Fred getting their heads together for a good idea.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:18, Reply)

If it helps at all, I would still like to see you in your bra'n'knickers, even though you have cheap tatty draws.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:21, Reply)

That should be their next ad campaign slogan

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Bravissimo.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Excellent place
but again, a bit pricey.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Have you seen their clothing shop, Pepperberry?
I seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time there. Not shopping you understand, I'm just a pervert.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Yeah, I have a really nice dress from there.
If I had lots of moneys, I would buy all my clothes from them. I wear a lot of dresses, and having disproportionately enormous tits means that I have to buy a size or two bigger in most things just to stand a chance of zipping them up.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:14, Reply)