Gonz's Dream Pub.
1) It would be next door an aquarium so on one wall of the pub (going up 2 or 3 stories, the one or two higher ones having a balcony rather than a floor that goes from wall to wall.

2) The aquerium would have a good mix of sealife in it, including sharks that get feed every hour. People can lay bets down like what shark would get the steak first, or how many times the depressed turtle will circle the pool. People would make drinking games based on it.

3) It would serve lots and lots of cocktails, proper ones, none of these "No mint? Try Creme de meth instead" bullshits, we're talking about real cocktails.

4) Our drug dealers will be registered medical staff who know what they're doing and would even give advice like "Don't try an E, try blahblahdone and blahblahnite, it's much smoother high, and safer too", so people would get decent drugs and safely. They'll even be a menu with different cocktails of drugs. Think opium den style.

5) Our prostertues will be there because they want to be there, rather than being forced into it.

6) Live music will never be rediulously loud, and will include a guy at a peino, and people like "The Four Queers" from Jonathan Ross. Really relaxed and refined music, maybe even a girl with a harp. They'll also be comedy nights.

7) A big mix of different foods and platters, think food you don't need a knife'n'fork with. The most important one will be real proper double-fried chips and loads of home-made condiments.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

an interesting take on happy HOur

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:51, Reply)

I really hope the capital O was intended

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:56, Reply)

yes, emphasising the ho

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:57, Reply)

*golf claps*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:59, Reply)

With the exception of point 4 and 5, you have just pretty much described The Exhibit, in Balham.
Or at least as it used to be 4 years ago, I wouldn't know anymore.

It also has a cinema showing classic and cult movies on the top floor now, i believe.

(also, no sharks, but I assume that was a given)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:51, Reply)

Sharks look nothing like gibbons.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:53, Reply)

Nope, don't get it, sorry.
edit: Oh, yes I do. But it was shit.

Possibly better as a spoken joke...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:53, Reply)

It does have a cinema.
I prefer The Grove in Balham. Better food.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:57, Reply)

I don't think The Grove even existed when I lived in the area.
It was The Beford, The Exhibit and the ever changing Tapas place just the other side of the railway bridge. Which I suppose could conceivably now be The Grove.


Edit: Oh, I googled it, apparently it did exist, but I just didn't know about it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 10:59, Reply)

It's been there for years: www.grovebalham.com/ I occasionally go to the Bedford as they get some good comedians upstairs. I don't know about the tapas place.

Edit: "The Grove has been around since 1877"
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:02, Reply)

I used to love The Banana Cabaret, yes.
I think the tapas place may have been called The Lounge at the time. It's opposite that dodgy Carribean bar that used to have lock-ins until...well, actually, as far as I am aware it never closed before I chose to leave. I don't think I ever did know what it was called, but it said 'Cafe Fusion Bar' in cheap transfers on the window.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:04, Reply)

Aye, that's what I saw when I googled it. It's over the other side to where I lived, so I guess I never ventured out there.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:05, Reply)

Did you ever go to The Duke?
It used to be The Duke of Devonshire but they changed it to The Devonshire. Used to be a good pub, it's "gone gastro" now which has spoilt it.

There used to be a good italian in Balham - I think it was called Bouchi's.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:07, Reply)

Yes, lots.
It used to have that back bar that stayed open late. I got very drunk with Arthur Smith in there once, oddly.

Well, I say 'got', we were both already very drunk before I started talking to him.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:09, Reply)

talking to licking
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:22, Reply)

Well he looks like a caramel covered walnut, so do you blame me?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:23, Reply)

hahaha

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:27, Reply)

He's a monumental cunt. I was chatting with him
in The Clachan off Carnaby Street about 10 years ago. He was asking me if I knew what it was like to have writer's block???!!

He is a smoker though, so not all bad.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:25, Reply)

He seemed nice enough, to the best of my hazy memory.
But these arty types are a bit self centred, so that sort of question doesn't surprise me.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:27, Reply)

I've met him too,
well I've seen him on telly which is nearly the same. He is a cock.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:30, Reply)

He's a Balham resident.
Who calls himself "The King of Balham".

The CUNT.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:49, Reply)

Hahahah.
He doesn't!

He does call himself 'Night Mayor Of Balham', but in fairness, that's clearly a (shit) pun.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 11:56, Reply)