When first I read this I honestly thought it was some kind of iPhone app
I've got to go to Manchester tonight, cheer me up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:28, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

You aren't going to Birmingham. Also, unlike AA, you aren't Welsh.


There you go, son.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:30, Reply)

I am actually half-Welsh
The first point is a good one, however. I appreciate your time.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:34, Reply)

What?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:35, Reply)

Nakers and I decided last night that you are Welsh.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:41, Reply)

You did?
Ah, fair enough.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:47, Reply)

Manchester is a surprisingly pleasant city
and I hardly think someone who comes from Derby and lives in Norwich can judge...
(berk, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:31, Reply)

No it isn't, and it's full of Mancunians
Furthermore, I have never, in all my time on b3ta, been so insulted, and many, many, many, many many people have tried. Many, many, many, many, many times.

Derby indeed. Were you a gentleman I would demand satisfaction by way of brutal sodomy.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Or is it from Nottingham and you lived in Derby for a bit?
I'm sure Derby was involved at some point.
(berk, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:37, Reply)

I have absolutely never, at any point in my life, lived in Derby
You can tell by my command of words containing more than one syllable, and ability to breathe with my mouth closed. I would sooner flop my wedding tackle into the mouth of a ravenous shark whilst impugning his ability to keep Mrs Jaws sexually satisfied than set foot in that ungodly receptacle of nature's abortions.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:41, Reply)

I heard you love Derby so much you have put yourself up for mayor.
That's what I heard.

'Derby's First Transgender Mayoral Candidate', I heard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:45, Reply)

I've definitely read that somewhere.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Me too! OMLG twinsies!
Look, it's up there ^
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:53, Reply)

Twinsies??
The time I spent inside your mother does not equate to a fraternal relationship between us.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:56, Reply)

I knew you wouldn't get that.
You're so not down with the kids, Tangles. The spectacularly gay kids.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:01, Reply)

Not since my name was added to that register, no.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:07, Reply)

I've always found the use of the word "register" in relation to sex offenders amusing
Conjures a mental image of a magistrate shouting out surnames whilst a collection of extremely embarrassed-looking middle-aged men shuffle their feet and look at the ground
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:09, Reply)

My brother was a squatter there for ten years.
'Suprisingly pleasant' isn't how I remember it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:34, Reply)

This "brother" of yours has lived an extraordinary life
I'm starting to wonder if he even exists, or is in fact the outlet for the more fanciful of the ideas you conjure to make yourself seem more interesting.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:36, Reply)

My interesting years were long ago. I lay no claim to any such status nowadays.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:43, Reply)

I put it to you, Monty Boyce, if that is your real name,
that everything you've ever said about your wild & crazy antics has been a falsehood, and you are in fact a 53-year-old tax accountant from Cleethorpes with a fine line in Simpsons ties and poorly-executed puns. Your only friend is a potted ficus whom you have named Colin, and even he prefers the company of the radiator. And you only shave one day in five.

I believe the bit about Bruce Lee being your Dad mind
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:47, Reply)

*cries*
Alas, you have unmasked me for the moutebank I truly am!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:52, Reply)

We all have our secret shame, Basil
I, for example, briefly found fame and a reasonable degree of remuneration in the mid-to-late 90s by "predicting" which numbers would be drawn on the National Lottery, hence my preternatural ability to see through the web of lies you have carefully woven about yourself.

The operation, as you can tell, was a resounding success.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Clearly: hence 'Derby's First Transgender Mayoral Candidate'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Seriously, mate, have you ever been to Derby?
You walk in there on hind legs and genitalia won't be a concern, you'll be proclaimed God-King and worshipped by the braying masses in seconds.

But you will be in Derby.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:00, Reply)

I've been to Chesterfield. Will that do?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:02, Reply)

My ex was from Chesterfield
Should've known it wouldn't work.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:06, Reply)

I have felt a chest of a lady from Chesterfield
Does this help?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:25, Reply)

If this happened between 1997 and 2001
I'm afraid I will have to punch your face off
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Is there really that much to distinguish between Nottingham and Derby?
I find the two cities to be interchangeable.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:06, Reply)

*faints dead away*
*wakes up with raging stonk-on*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:08, Reply)

It's ok, I know he exists
Neil Buchanan told me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:47, Reply)

That it is suprisingly pleasant
compared to how I imagined it. Mid-Eighties Beirut was my impression.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:37, Reply)

I didn't know there are trees and grass there.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:38, Reply)

Photoshop innit

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:41, Reply)

There was street after street of abandoned derelict tower blocks.
Grey, freezing drizzle blew constantly and the grassless, muddy scrub that passed for parks was plagued by feral dogs and mountain bike riding crack dealers from Moss Side. It was truly fucking appalling.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:40, Reply)

Or, to use the language of estate agents
It was a quiet neighbourhood, with a park and plenty of local colour.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:42, Reply)

Honestly, Eastern Europe looks like Hampstead Village in comparison.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:44, Reply)

Having been to a number of ex Soviet bloc cities
I can honestly say there are parts of the South East, in fact parts of Surrey, in which I'd feel more nervous during an ill-advised late night stroll.

Nobody beats the English for random acts of senseless violence, for example.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Rightly so.
Small towns = trouble, from my experience.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:47, Reply)

We're famous world-wide for our prediliction for drinking and fighting.
I've actually got an amusing story that I shall tell you on Saturday about our reputation abroad. Whilst we're drinking, I mean. And probably shortly before we riot.

The ex, in a rare moment of sense, was entirely appalled by British society.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:50, Reply)

The noble days of Empire truly are long gone, are they not?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:51, Reply)

Then, as now, it was the Saxon peasant underclasses
that murdered each other in doorways.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:52, Reply)

True indeed.
The serfs have been revolting since the dawn of time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:54, Reply)

What brings you up this way?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:35, Reply)

Work, sadly
Meeting tomorrow about sectorisation. Should be a good opportunity, but it involves going to fucking Manchester. And driving back, although not there.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:37, Reply)

Ah, fun!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:48, Reply)

Yeah...
We're not heading off til 5 so won't be there til 9 or 10, otherwise I'd have asked you if you fancy a pint
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:56, Reply)

Wouldn't be able to anyway fella
The downside to getting out of debt is that you have no fucking money most of the time.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:00, Reply)

Yes, I've read that
I ignored it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:03, Reply)