New threadddd
So there's a note on the fridge at work which says.

"To whoever stole the roll of meat from the fridge, that was cat food for my cat, it was unfit for human consumption, if you're feeling unwell please contact your doctor"

What office larks have you lot been up to? xxx
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:37, 127 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

none

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Cool, thanks for sharing mate.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:40, Reply)

always a pleasure

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:41, Reply)

None.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:40, Reply)

Cheers for contributing to my thread, with all your help this thread will be a true success!

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:41, Reply)

do you do office larks?
staplers in jelly?
simpsons ties?
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

He is a right Colin Hunt is our Chompy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:45, Reply)

Who has "rolled meat"?
was it some sort of roulade?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:41, Reply)

Cats.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

It might have been cat food in a roll...

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:43, Reply)

how do you roll cat food, it's made of chunks?
anyway both dog and cat food has to be fit for human consumption by law, fact
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:45, Reply)

...and Monty breathes a sigh of relief

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

that stinks

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Fact?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

Cat and dog food are both taste tested by humans.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

But enough about your weekend job

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

FACT
how can i make this simpler for you?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

Perhaps I should be making it simpler for you.
I was questioning the veracity of your claim.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

Would you like me to dumb it down a little more?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

lmgtfy.com/?q=is+cat+food+fit+for+human+consumption
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:00, Reply)

And from the top result there:
In the European Union, pet food is regulated by the same harmonized standards across the EU, via the Feeding Stuffs Act.

All ingredients used for pet food has to be fit for human consumption according to EU requirements. But regulations require that pet food that contains by-products be labeled as "Not for human consumption" even though such by-products have to be derived from animals declared fit for human consumption.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:02, Reply)

pish

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:06, Reply)

This is a silly argument.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:07, Reply)

I think I'd be suspiscious of meat kept rolled up like a carpet

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:41, Reply)

As would I, I have a feeling it was put in there deliberatly to catch the theif.
Who knows.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

The person who put it there?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:44, Reply)

It could have been a cat burglar.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:00, Reply)

Like a kind of mechanically-retrieved arctic roll.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:43, Reply)

SOLD!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:06, Reply)

Hahahaha that's LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

PS none

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:43, Reply)

None

( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

Glad you're here as well Kroney xxx

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:43, Reply)

I shouldn't want to disappoint you, old man.
I know how fond you are of me.
( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

how old are you then?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

Older than him. It's a form of affection
I'm trying to reach out the arm of friendship to him and his stripper Doris.
( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:49, Reply)

I thought you liked to read people's personal emails and then drop hints that you know what they are up to just for the lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:44, Reply)

He fucks all the girls in the office and then has hilariously akward moments.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

Lies on the internet

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

No he fucked two girls who sit opposite each other and neither of them know!

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

except that they're both itchy and can't wash off that persuasive smell of onions

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Yeah that thing they do
where they look at Kroney, catch each other's eyes, waggle their little fingers and collapse with laughter is WHOLLY UNRELATED, YEAH?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:49, Reply)

Don't be ridiculous, no woman will admit sleeping with Kroney to anyone.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

You're right. I see that now.
Sorry everyone.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

Oh, you're just not being fair.
I have great legs, you know.
( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:54, Reply)

Oh in that case they must have mentioned it to each other?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

They do know about it now, yes.

( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

'Kroney showed me a picture of your tits last week'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:01, Reply)

I thought she'd find them educational.

( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:02, Reply)

Can you teach women to have better tits?
Shit, I'm in the wrong educational sector.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:14, Reply)

They surrendered to his garlicky charms

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

surrendered to were overcame by
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:26, Reply)

+ when he shows them the photos of other girls tits

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

I wouldn't call that a prank so much as gross misconduct.

( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

Grew cress in someone's cup when they went on holiday
Blu-tak a phone down

Minor stuff really
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

I bet you have one of these on your desk

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:49, Reply)

He wears a Frank Butcher-style revolving bow tie to the Xmas party.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:50, Reply)

I wear it to work, thank you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:53, Reply)

Not quite

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:53, Reply)

If your phones can unscrew.
A fun little trick is over a month tape 2p coins on the inside until it's very heavy, then one day take them out. It'll be so much lighter that when they answer the phone they'll hit themselves in the head with it.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

Gosh what fun indeed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:53, Reply)

Just try and pull a phone away from someone's head when they are on it
Then leave go
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:54, Reply)

do you mean "let go"?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

'Then leave the company'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:57, Reply)

No

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:06, Reply)

quite apart from this clearly being lolwakilarious
unless you're some kind of muscle-wasted spazmo, that's never going to work. You couldn't possibly get enough 2ps in a phone reciever to make a difference.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

Course you could.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

only if you're some kind of musclewrong.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:59, Reply)

It's not about your ability to lift it, it's about your expectation of weight.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:00, Reply)

Chompy
I have a large tin in my home office. It contains, at various times, somewhere between nothing and around £50 in coppers and silvers, so weighs between 200g or so and about 3-4kg.

I never know how much is in it until I open it or pick it up. I have a fairly wide window for expectation of weight. However, I have never, ever, hit myself in the face or anywhere else with it. Because I'm not an epic spastic.

I hope this helps.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:11, Reply)

Much less trouble to tie the two bits of handset cord together
so they pick up the whole phone with the handset. Who knows,they might even smack themselves in the head with it lolololololololololol.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:15, Reply)

I tell you
If I ever have the misfortune* to spend a significant amount of time in an office environment with Chompy, I'm treating every piece of office equipment with the respect normally accorded to a testy scorpion balanced on a claymore mine.

*In the spirit of being fair, this is more "misfortune" in the terms of "ending up in an NHS office in MK" rather than being an abuse of the boy Chompy.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:23, Reply)

do you often lift that tin to your ear while doing other things?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:16, Reply)

It's almost liked you've missed the epically obvious piece of baiting going on here.
Almost.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:19, Reply)

I was distracted by this "website"
biased-bbc.com/
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:21, Reply)

That appears to be "fucking shite"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:23, Reply)

I "concur"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:25, Reply)

I even bothered to comment.
that's what happens when I've got a report to write by the end of the day.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:26, Reply)

badger these people hardly leave the house, the only muscles that are defined in any way are their thumbs and right wrist

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:01, Reply)

None
although I believe minor lols can be had by setting desktop screen captures as backgrounds, assigning orgasm noises to PC events, taping phone receivers down and that kind of thing.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:50, Reply)

WAQQI WAQQI OOPS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

Too soon?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

Changing mouse controls to left handed is fun.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

you have a breaktakingly low threshold for what counts as "fun"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:57, Reply)

meh
Anything to liven up the day
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:17, Reply)

I haven't
but when you have a large communal coffee/lunch area you can see a remarkable level of passive-aggresive anger in the notices. Oh, the lols.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:53, Reply)

Our room has a description on the door marked CIA Training
I have no idea why
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:54, Reply)

cunts in action?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

Colin is Active

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:59, Reply)

i o
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:07, Reply)

No need to bring Gonz into this.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:16, Reply)

Its a proper sign
Must have been from previous building tenants
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:07, Reply)

building Neil

No, I've no idea either.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:12, Reply)

I'm not sure it was a pet shop

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:13, Reply)

Seems to be on your mind a lot though.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:21, Reply)

Please
Stop Being Boring
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:22, Reply)

I don't deserve that

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:25, Reply)

It was a Sin
Trufax: In an Italian only Pet Shop Boys release (I think) called Paninaro, I have an evil twin in the video!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:27, Reply)

You should drop some stem cells into your colleagues lunch, see if they grow a tongue on their forehead

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

The cells would just die.
Sad times, Nakers.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

:(
poor little cells never even stood a chance, they are the christmas island crabs of the microbiological world
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:57, Reply)

I know. It's a cruel, cruel world.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

www.stephenbelcher.net/image.aspx?img=2656
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:01, Reply)

poor little fucker

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:08, Reply)

For some reason I read this in Steve Irwin's voice.
Or possibly Rolf Harris's ... it merges into one.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:17, Reply)

stingray's 4eva in his hartz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:26, Reply)

That was the problem, yes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:27, Reply)

none whatsoever
Unless you count my hilarious sartorial skillz.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:17, Reply)

We don't, no

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:17, Reply)

phew!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:23, Reply)

Good afternoon plumdozer
How are you today?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:24, Reply)

alright ta
You?

I've been toying with the idea of moving to /talk.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:33, Reply)

I am today
I feel fucking great. Off to the pub now to meet a mate and drink Amstel
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:34, Reply)

\o/

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:34, Reply)

Do I go to the pub?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:21, Reply)

Frequently

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:26, Reply)

Not frequently enough

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:28, Reply)

Yes.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:27, Reply)

\o/
Amstel o'clock in 10 mins
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:27, Reply)

He wasn't bad on Buzzcocks I suppose

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:34, Reply)

He brings down the good name of Amstel

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:34, Reply)

sporto at the weekend
www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2239153/Sunderland-fan-accused-racist-monkey-gesture-Romelu-Lukaku.html
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:35, Reply)

No, you should be saving for christmas.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:35, Reply)