Charles Dickens is shit.
His mawkish, sentimental drivel is credited with raising social awareness of the plight of the urban poor. Whilst that's jolly nice of him and all that, his books are a load of fucking twee wank - the plots are utterly unbelievable, the characters are cunts and I reckon he was a fucking poofter.

There, I've said it.

Question: heard about this 'suspended coffee' thing? I cannot decide whether I think it's rather sweet or just a bunch of patronising, smug wankers who've managed to combine the utterly cuntish pastime of being 'into coffee' with 'look-at-me' pseudo altruism.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 8:54, 77 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Where's the question fuckface?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 8:54, Reply)

Are you blind as well as stupid, you primordial shitstain?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Oh you added one. Well done Joey.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Yer, Wilde nailed that cunt on the old curiousity shop, and he were a fat poofter

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 8:59, Reply)

Dickens is indeed boring as hell.
As is DH Lawrence, in spite of the vast literary merit of his novels.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:00, Reply)

I'm afraid your views on literature are irrelevant.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:11, Reply)

As are yours.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:43, Reply)

I have not heard of suspended coffee,
Is this some sort of hipster shit bag wankery?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:01, Reply)

people like starbucks who don't pay their uk taxes get to show off by contributing pennies to some homeless charity

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)

What, instead of buying a coffee, people give money to charity?
Why does that even need a fucking name? If you're giving money to charity, by definition you are always doing it instead of spending it on something else.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)

I now understand what it is.
It doesn't make it any less shit.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:08, Reply)

it's fucking knobbish showing off to a starbucks till monkey, who don't care anyways. they should really fuck off from being so on trend

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:08, Reply)

Tweetin dis

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)

cool bro, i'm already running it through my tweet desk

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:12, Reply)

They should just put a sign on all counters in coffee places
"dear customers, no matter how many coffees you "suspend", the attractive barista will never, ever, sleep with you because she is a minimum-wage slave who utterly and totally despises your worthless cuntish existence with every fibre of her being. Good day"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)

It's a prickish charity thing
whereby vagrants in desperate need of work, clothing and food get, instead, a cup of hot water with some ground beans in it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)

They gave you a cappachino when you wanted an expresso?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:08, Reply)

I'm sorry but neither of those are words.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)

far be it from me to defend our Polish hooker-testing friend
but I suspect that was deliberate.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:11, Reply)

He wishes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)

Indeed. Thanks for noticing. At least somebody appreciates my efforts.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)

work, clothing and food the sweet relief of smack, meths and death
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:09, Reply)

I moved my my cursor to the top of the screen, a largish monitor with black surround, a blue button at the bottom and speakers, which allow me to listen to music occasionally
I clicked on the icon, slightly off-centre, which takes me to a website called b3ta, where I clicked on a section called off topic, an offshoot of question of the week, another part of the site where members share their anecdotes for the amusement of other users. I notice that there has been a new thread posted by Mr Boyce, in which he wishes to discuss the relative merits of Charles Dickens. I immediately sat back in my blue office chair and pushed my overgrown fringe back out of my eyes and started to consider precisely what it is about Dickens that is so irritating. Having pondered for some time, I once again used my black and grey cordless mouse to move the small arrow on my screen across to click on the reply button, for indeed I had a point that I thought well worth making. But what is this point? I hear you ask. Well, sitting here dressed all in black in an office in Coventry, I put it to you that the man utilises far far too much detail in his books, rendering them utterly dull to anyone who tries to read them.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:02, Reply)

aaaaand click

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)

Oh, bravo.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)

Nice

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)

goth wanker

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Well played.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)

You should listen to 'Bleak expectations' when it's next on R4

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)

what the sweet blue fuck is "suspended coffee"?
and I warn you, Boyce, if this is some Hoxton hipster shit, people are going to SUFFER.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)

I just googled it
It where you order more coffees than you want so that a povvo can go in later and get a freebie.
( Peej, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Oh, for fuck's sake.
Here's a thought. Rather than buy a coffee for someone else, why not wake up, grow the fuck up, stop working in "meeja" and living in London and driving the house prices through the roof, and while you're fucking at it, stop wearing scarves indoors.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:07, Reply)

And click

( Peej, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)

And PS, seeing as you clearly have some spare income why not invest in some lenses for those glasses YOU FUCKING WANKER?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:17, Reply)

at least you can shove sharp things in their eyes without being blocked

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:21, Reply)

*takes scarf off*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

It's a global phenomoenomeneoeenamanon.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)

LL cool J would approve

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:12, Reply)

Your thread is MOAR shit than Charles Dickens
Yeah there I said it
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Victorians, as a rule, were smug pompous gasbag wankers

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Yeah, Dickens is shit.
But, seeing as I've no plans to read any of his verminous literature, my opinion is of liitle consequence.

I don't drink coffee either, but if anybody wants a cup of tea, I'll pay for it.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)

anybody

an underage child
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:07, Reply)

a cup of tea to see some puppies
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:12, Reply)

What the fuck is suspended coffee?
Is that one of those things that won't happen to Norfolk for like a thousand years? Like genetic diversity, and electricity?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:11, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1927478
( Peej, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:12, Reply)

Yeah well I've SEEN IT NOW HAVEN'T I
As a big sentimental poof I'm going to say it's quite a sweet way for dickheads to feel better about being dickheads.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)

The thing is
it would a lot simpler and a lot better for everyone if they just stopped being fucking dickheads rather than constantly trying to find meaningless hipster ways to pathetically attempt to compensate for their dickheadery.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:15, Reply)

+ realise that wearing a 'onesie' - and indeed merely using the word itself - marks one out as a titanic spastic.
Also, I don't care if you 'know Nick Grimshaw'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:18, Reply)

Yes, and it'd be better and simpler for everyone if all football clubs were given a wage ceiling, an identical transfer budget
and were forced to use whatever was left over to offset ticket prices and plow money into their academy. But it ain't gonna happen.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:19, Reply)

clubs were given a wage ceiling, an identical transfer budget
and were forced to use whatever was left over to offset ticket prices and plow money into their academy. But it ain't gonna happen chat was punishable by instant account deletion and death by firing squad
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Clickin dis 2!

( Peej, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Why?

( Peej, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:21, Reply)

I did wonder this
but I decided against asking.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:24, Reply)

You should be all for it
as your lot have arguably the best youth development system in Europe, based on results over the last two decades
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:25, Reply)

It'd stop clubs buying the title
It'd prevent clubs charging a fucking fortune for tickets to cover the astronomical wages they pay players
It would force footballers to accept that they're not ACTUALLY worth £250,000 a week, and might stop living and acting like cunts
And most importantly, it might make football about football again
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:24, Reply)

Clubs don't charge a fortune to cover astronomical wages.
Clubs charge a fortune because 60,000 idiots a week will pay a fortune. Pure and simple. It's probably Thatcher's fault as well.

And, football is still about football.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:26, Reply)

plus they have HUMONGOUS debts to service

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:27, Reply)

Whilst that is true
the single overriding reason for ticket prices is what the market will bear. The second they stop selling tickets, prices will come down.

Saying that it's unfair how much tickets cost and everything should be the same is like saying it's unfair some people can afford Ferraris and we should all be forced drive round in Fiestas.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:29, Reply)

Granted but wouldn't it be nice if the tickets were affordable to poor idiots too?
The whole point was that this scenario was about as likely as hipsters suddenly ceasing to be cunts
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:29, Reply)

Yeah, granted, I see your point
I just struggle to even raise the slightest level of *meh* about football finance whilst there is one single hipster still drawing breath.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:40, Reply)

That is completely understandable
I also recognise the irony of a Nottingham Forest fan bemoaning the influx of foreign investors. It just makes me sad that it's so difficult for clubs to win their way up the leagues without being bankrolled.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:42, Reply)

and all the good players will move abroad

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I said "ALL football clubs"
not all English football clubs.

I never said it was realistic
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

I'd prefer to make it about collapsing stadiums filled the with screams of the dying, personally.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

*flashbacks*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

I'm sure a club wouldn't pay £250k a week if they didn't bring in more than that.
Plus they pay tax on it don't they?
( Peej, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

My fucking email is playing up
Which means I've got no choice but to associate with you cunts
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)

HIYA!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:25, Reply)

This thread is complete shit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:20, Reply)

I heard a rumour that it was no 'salted peanuts', that's for sure.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:21, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:25, Reply)

*sigh*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

I've not read any Dickens, I prefer dark comic books
question: sounds gash and pointless and fucking stupid, a bit like Battered.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:26, Reply)

You bent spastic.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:29, Reply)

what's worse though eh?
You calling me a bent spastic, or you knowing a bent spastic has been up to his nuts in your mum's guts?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:32, Reply)

You're welcome to her. Haven't spoken to the cunt in nearly 20 years.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:34, Reply)

Did she bring men round to "take your photo"?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:35, Reply)