ideas...
i was grimacing my way through a disgusting soggy piece of veggie lasagne from our canteen when the phone rang. the bad news from the client's surveyor (about a schedule of condition. dulldulldull) made me drop a gooey sheet of tomatoey, cheesy pasta on my chest.

i have work drinks tonight. and my nice, snug, fitted white shirt now has what looks like a red handprint clean over my left breast.

i don't have time to go and buy anything else. help, help, what can i do?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:44, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My advice
Would be do the same to the right one then laugh it off as post-modern Benny Hill irony...

You could also try running around speeded up with 'Yaketty Sax' playing in your head.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:47, Reply)

If you can't find anything to get the stain out.
Swap shirts with someone else.

Hang on. Doesn't big firms like yours have lackeys to run round doing things for staff. Office juniors that can be despatched to the nearest M&S for a new shirt.
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:47, Reply)

I'm glad you asked!
Get more lasagne.
Cover your entire shirt in it.
Uniformly.

Sorted.

This helpful solution brought to you by K-Tech Enterprises.
( Cawl, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Get the bedshitter to lick it off.
Or just go without the blouse. Let the DDs be seen.

(Of course you could always go to the ladies room and wash it in the sink, but what fun would that be?)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Tippex.
FTW.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:49, Reply)

we're
not that near any normal shops; i'd have to send someone up to covent garden. which could be enough to get me sacked!

am looking at the tippex bottle...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:51, Reply)

Erm! Mr Loon.
Obviously you've never tried to get tomatoe stains off a white shirt. Duh!
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:51, Reply)

It's a shame ancrenne isn't here...
If she can get stomach-juice, vodka and cider&black stains out of jeans in a hotel room with rudimentary facilities, she could sort this.
( Cawl, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:56, Reply)

If all else fails Rswipe.
Then chalk it down to experience and always keep another spare shirt in you office for future accidents.

Because you know you'll have them : )
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:01, Reply)

You couldn't perhaps
phone a friend who's got a bit of spare time and ask her (or possibly him) to go and buy you another shirt and drop it off at your work?

Admittedly, were it me, I'd find it hard to think of someone, but it's possible.

I also have a t-shirt stashed away under my desk for such emergencies.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:05, Reply)

Wear it with pride...
Pretend that the stain is actually a designer label...

'you know, from that designer EVERYBODY is talking about...'

'very exclusive...'

'Cost me a fortune. I'm surprised you haven't heard about him actually...I thought you were 'up with the fashions'

etc etc...

Before you know it, everybody will be legging it down to Covent Garden asking for shirts with labels that look like lasagne stains.

The perfect crime.

Good Luck!

Edit: I tried a similar thing once but didn't get away with it...because in my case it was a curry...mixed with cider and black...that had been sicked up....and stank...and people had seen me throw up on it...

But it didn't stop me trying...so don't let that put you off.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:15, Reply)

can you dig out some office christmas decorations
and swathe yourself in them?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:19, Reply)

Borrow a jacket?
Even if it's a man's jacket, a bulldog clip in the right place can work wonders on the fit.

Or do none of the secretaries/PAs whatever have a scarf on you can bribe them out of?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:21, Reply)

Now that ^^
is a sensible suggestion!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:29, Reply)

You see?
I can be a mature, sensible grown up from time to time.

*goes for a lie down until it wears off*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:36, Reply)

DO you have your suit jacket with you?
If so, shirt off, jacket on, buttoned up and showing off a hint of bra. Set the puppies free! :)

And keep a spare shirt on work for such occasions.

Incidentally, I went to the gym the other morning before work, in my gym clothes and whilst getting changed into my work stuff, realised I'd forgotten my trousers. I had to spend till lunch wearing a shirt, lycra leggings and flip flops. Not fun for anyone involved really.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 15:20, Reply)

Bare all
Go to the toilets, wash it with soap and dry under a hand dryer. Ignore female colleagues. There will be less shame in the long run.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 15:43, Reply)

corsage
make like SJP and pin a big bloom to the front of your shirt. Pretend its really cutting edge and everyone else is a bit of a loser for not having one, too.
(G-Lo, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 15:44, Reply)

Go without a blouse
And say it's a bikini top.

Actually, no, upon reflection that is a rather crap idea.

The cleaning in the sink option seems to be coming up a lot.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 15:53, Reply)

I think you'll find under the terms and conditions of use, that food threads are the exclusive preserve of the fat virgins on talk
Nice gratuitous mention of breasts though for the sweaty virgins of QOTW though.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:07, Reply)

I got to "breast" and I'm now struggling to see through my steamed up glasses.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:09, Reply)

I got to "soggy" and was the same :)

(__, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:10, Reply)

You can post a shrill attention-seeking whine on the internet,
knowing that some fat shites will turn up, pander to you, and make you feel better about yourself despite your empty, pointless existence.

Oh wait, you already have. Carry on.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:16, Reply)

@Woodside Industries
Go piss off back to /talk, ya twunt.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:26, Reply)

Awh!
Must be kicking-out time from school.
Fuck off back to the playground.
( Cawl, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:31, Reply)

^ What they said
Arse. rachelswipe's breast related disasters have livened up many a QOTW. It's just a bit of fun.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:35, Reply)

Woodside Industries
not that I particularly care (end of a very boring day) but why do you bother?

I'm not the sort to send someone a private message listing their inadequacies - quite possibly you are a well-rounded individual - but you seem to enjoy slagging people off (not just rachelswipe) and yet you have all this bollocks in your profile about how those on the receiving end should basically get a life rather than offer an argument in return.

a touch of hippocrasy in the air perhaps? why not take some of your own advice and if you don't like people pandering to others, or back-slapping, then fuck right off.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:36, Reply)

It's not even that.
I'm not the worlds biggest fan of rachelswipe, she posts some good stuff, she posts a lot of stuff I don't agree with, but it's all good-natured.

Just frustrating when a bunch of twelve-year-olds decide that they're funny.
( Cawl, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:37, Reply)

Guys
Don't feed the trolls. Throw turnips at them instead.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:46, Reply)

there's a whole group of the morons from /talk
who seem to get their jollies by doing that sort of stuff

don't get me wrong, I enjoy being a bastard as much as the next man, as long as you are amusing with it, with an element of charm (or if it's directed at Merkins (TRL excluded obviously)) but there's something particularly bile-filled and hateful about the way they go about it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:50, Reply)

I wasn't feeding any trolls, per se.
"Do you know that if you post on /talk you'll get told to piss off back to QOTW?"

If they belm on /questions, they'll be told to piss off back to /talk. Fair enough, I'd say. Either play nice or go elsewhere. *shrug*

Although I gotta say, I have very little hope for someone who feels the need to state this in his profile: "I'm so awesome that if you want a guide to the shittest /talkers, you can just look for 'people' who have persistently wobbled at both me and JMG.
Or 'people' who don't have the balls to stand up to JMG and take it out on me instead."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:59, Reply)

the scarf suggestion has it
it is covering the stain well! although i will look like a twat bowling in it. then again, i look like a twat when i bowl anyway.

kaol, that's an out and out lie, you love it, you know you do.

woodsidetrollingnuisanceindustries just makes me laugh. he's a little bit bitter because i pointed out that he has no life as proven by the fact that he is always on /talk.

anyone who says they are 22 years old but has posted almost 40,000 answers on /talk - most of them late at night when normal 22 year olds are out enjoying themselves (or in, enjoying themselves even more) - must be either very very shy or very very ugly. why isn't he out with his mates or out getting laid?

because he is either very very shy or very very ugly. bless his naivete, he'll work it out eventually. perhaps when he is 32 and has posted 800,000 messages on /talk on a saturday night.

as for the rest, god, is it that easy to drag these people away from their own conversations?! fine, tits, ming, arse, legs, i love myself, you know you want it bad boy, come fuck me over the desk, i'm hot to trot,... blah blah blah...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 17:01, Reply)

@rswipe
you have a point.

at 22 I was at uni and too stoned to type.

that's what real people do :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 17:03, Reply)

@al: I'm afraid I must disagree with you.

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 17:56, Reply)