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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Hi guys! Monty here from off topic on the internet.
I'm a little dejected today. How are you?

Alt: something off the news

BONUS ALT: WHAT'S THE BEST PUB FOOD?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:29, 106 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Talibans dead

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:30, Reply)

m.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/may/29/senior-talibans-killed-us-drone-pakistan
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:31, Reply)
Good, good.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:49, Reply)
Dejected? Has Ploppyflake got to you?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:30, Reply)
My kid's gonna be homeless in 8 weeks as ex's ex has pulled the plug on the luxury flat.
I don't blame him but mmy attempts to get him to allow them more time have failed.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:34, Reply)
Did you say, "Ohhhh goooooooo on, she's not a cunt REALLLYyyyyyy"

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:34, Reply)
I said
'she's the worst person either of us has ever met but please don't take it out on my kid'
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:35, Reply)
Ahhh,
well has she got any options? She been to the council?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:38, Reply)
Doing that now.
Only 5 years later than she should have eh.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:40, Reply)
BMX boy is no longer a secret then?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:35, Reply)
She and Landlord split up 2 months ago so BMX Boy might well be post-split so no cheating.
Maybe.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:36, Reply)
Hasn't he got a flat she could let?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:39, Reply)
Who, BMX Bandit?
He's an alkie without two brass Mags to rub together.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:40, Reply)
Who'd a thought that there wasn't big money to be made from doing bunny hops?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:43, Reply)
Not me, that's for sure!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:46, Reply)
Ah yes I'd forgotten you'd mentioned this.
Given her ex has got a few quid do you think he'd help her with a deposit for her own place? Plus settled at school isn't she so the ex can't randomly relocate her to wherever she goes?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:41, Reply)
He's letting her pay no rent for the last month and keep all the furniture.
He's not a bad guy and this is way more generous than he needs to be.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:42, Reply)
My point about relocation applies though doesn't it?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:44, Reply)
Oh ex told me she wants to stay local so nipper can see me
That's her intention thank God - whether or not it's possible is another matter.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:46, Reply)
Forgive my cynicism here Monts
but do you think that's as much to do with her having had the rug pulled from underneath her as it is to allow you to see your kid?

She wants to be local so that she can offload your daughter onto you so she can go out. She spent long enough thinking that you weren't worthy but now it seems to be quite convenient for her all of a sudden.

Of course that's good news for you, but I'm just wary of her motives.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:01, Reply)
Who cares what her motives are if he gets to see his kid more often?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:02, Reply)
Well only time will tell,
but she could eventually find herself more settled and then restart playing silly buggers - denying access, etc.

As I say, perhaps I'm just being cynical and hopefully it will all pan out.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:06, Reply)
Yeah, but then he can point to this at court and say
"funny how all her concerns about my ability as a father mysteriously evaporated as soon as she needed a baby-sitter because she wanted to go out drinking and hooring, DONCHA THINK?".
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:11, Reply)
innit doe

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:13, Reply)
That's all gravy, but the court doesn't seem to have handled it all terribly well so far, has it?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:16, Reply)
You're only saying what I have been thinking anyway - I don't trust that cunt and never will

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:14, Reply)
Yeah, it certainly comes across like that.
I suppose you've got to fill your boots now, see as much of your daughter as you can etc and if at some point down the line the ex starts to act up then you at least have plenty of evidence of being a fit and loving father.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:16, Reply)
*nose/point*

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:23, Reply)
absolutely - which is 100% fine by me

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:13, Reply)
That's cool.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:14, Reply)
Lacking motivation.
Alt: This morning I heard it was 100 years since the first performance of The Rite of Spring.
There isn't enough rioting at the ballet nowadays.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:31, Reply)
SHITE of Spring MORE LIKE!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:34, Reply)
Le Sacre du Printemps is a tremendous piece of music, you terrible heathen.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:38, Reply)
Well that's all good and well but Rite sounds like Shite so whatchgonnadoo eh

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:41, Reply)
*checks*
Y'know, you're right.
I... I don't know how to respond to that.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:42, Reply)
APOLOGY ACCEPTED

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:43, Reply)
Tired
Woke up at 4am. On the plus side I managed to watch 2 episodes of Hannibal before work.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:32, Reply)
What channel is Hannibal on?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:33, Reply)
Sky Living I think

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)
Ta

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:38, Reply)
I'd missed the 1st episode but recorded the rest off Sky and downloaded the 1st one from somewhere or other
Worth a watch.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:03, Reply)
eztv.it is your friend here

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:14, Reply)
Think I used megashare.info or something like that

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)
I saw a Sky ad for what looks like a half decent Vikings series the other day.
I don't have Sky :o(
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:35, Reply)
I thought that was going to be a love-film exclusive?
www.reuters.com/article/2013/05/10/wa-amazoncom-idUSnBw105119a+100+BSW20130510
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:58, Reply)
I thought the ad said Sky - something I don't have anyway...

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:13, Reply)
1p

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:15, Reply)
:o(

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:22, Reply)
It's that guy from Charlies Angels that puts me off watching it

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:36, Reply)
Which one?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:42, Reply)
The baddie, he plays Hannibal in the program

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:07, Reply)
Andrew Barrymore

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:12, Reply)
*backs away from the pool*

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:17, Reply)

l
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:19, Reply)
Yer, that as well

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:24, Reply)
Also
m.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/may/29/beaver-kills-man-belarus
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:35, Reply)
I like how the sub-headline sort of implies that the beavers are taking advantage of the ban on shooting them

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)
woah woah 'can weigh up to 30kg (65lbs) and stand about a metre (3ft) high'
I always thought they were like otter sized or something
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:44, Reply)
unless by stand, they mean like on its two back legs like it thinks its peoples

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:44, Reply)
They mean 'if they get on a ladder'

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:48, Reply)
Curiously perky cheers
Hehe, breasts
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:40, Reply)
Not too bad thanks
Just had some noodles for lunch, my boss bought several packs before discovering he'd picked up the wrong ones, so gave them away, not bad at all.

Alt: In other news, I fully intended on having a healthy tea last night. Upon getting home, I realised I was fucking starving, so ended up ruining it. There's a shock.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:45, Reply)
I don't get paid til Friday.
Breakfast: toast
Lunch: toast

:o(
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:47, Reply)
I'd offer to wire you some cash, but that'd just seem patronising.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:58, Reply)
Plus you couldn't afford to given your MASSIVE debts.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:00, Reply)
As I said yesterday, not massive, I know that
But they stress me out, so it makes sense to deal with them before they get worse.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:33, Reply)
Nah I'm OK ta
Thanks anyway. Got food at home
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:11, Reply)
I hope your employer will be declaring this free food on your P11D.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:48, Reply)
39p chinese noodles, better fill in a form!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:49, Reply)
Tax avoidance is serious business.
In other news I'm eating gammon, egg and chips. Best of all the pub lunches.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:53, Reply)
Not a fan of gammon most of the time, but having it with egg and chips is a damn good idea
Best pub grub is sausage and mash though.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:58, Reply)
depends on the sausages though eh

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)
Story of my life

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)
This is true

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:33, Reply)
Also the mash eh captain obvious?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:41, Reply)
I'm betting Monty is a Smash man.
Yeoman can get to fuck, right?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:43, Reply)
One of the spanish nurses at mine bought some of that
I was tempted to warn her against it, but didn't get a chance to. I did later observe her binning the entire box, whilst swearing loudly at it.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:49, Reply)
I could never understand why anyone would use instant mash

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:51, Reply)
It's an oft-repeated truism on here - people are fucking stupid.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:53, Reply)
sorry about this thread

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:55, Reply)

this thread

My face and lack of intelligence
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:56, Reply)
Apology accepted

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:56, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1977055
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:57, Reply)
He's WTPF

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:58, Reply)
I'm pretty good ta The LOVELY Monters.
Have some mandering to cheer you up.
*Manders*
:D
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:59, Reply)
THAT'S BETTER
cheers bud!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:10, Reply)
This'll cheer you up
Hitler Kettle
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:04, Reply)
haha

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:09, Reply)
You're right as well
it has indeed
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:10, Reply)
I do rather like that

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:15, Reply)
Ooof.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:19, Reply)
Hello! Not bad at all.
After today I am off work until Wednesday, I have a new flat in a really nice area and I have the birthday stuff og organised to look forward to on Friday. Things are pretty good, so far.

On the other hand I'm sleeping on a futon because I had to lend my unfortunate flatmate all my bed-buying capital (registering .6 on the AA debt scale), but it's not the end of the world.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:08, Reply)
Your flatmate sounds GREAT!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:11, Reply)
She's had some tough times.
I have no doubt at all she'll make good.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:13, Reply)
Has she got nice breasts?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:14, Reply)
She must have to keep getting away with being so annoying.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:15, Reply)
If that's the case, I suggest he kick the lock off the bathroom door
and say they can't afford to get it fixed until she pays him back.
Fool Proof.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:17, Reply)
*euphamism alert*

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:17, Reply)
I liek dis

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)
Pro tip.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:25, Reply)
Too fucking right she has
The smell of garlic and unwashed armpit must be terrible for her
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:15, Reply)
Yeah well, all I get is curry powder
and dysentry. Bloody Indians.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:20, Reply)
I prefer a Jalfrezi

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:31, Reply)
Heyho Mon!
I'm reading your sig in the voice of Snagglepuss, HTH.


*Exits. Stage left*
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:12, Reply)
I like this

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:14, Reply)
Snagglepuss was excellent

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:16, Reply)
I frequently use the expression 'Heavens to Murgatroyd'
And my missus doesn't know what I mean and calls me a stupid :(
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)
Well it's HER that's the stupid eh

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:20, Reply)
Haha Yes
She is quite dim.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:20, Reply)
Hullo Internet Monty

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)
Hat!
Other hat!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:19, Reply)
*flashes one*
*then the other*
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:19, Reply)
\o/

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:31, Reply)
AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?
You treat this place like a hotel you really do.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:19, Reply)
Which reminds me
I'll have eggs benedict and fresh orange juice for breakfast, and a 9:00 alarm call. Thank you.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:20, Reply)
Well REALLY.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:22, Reply)
Nah, I'm happy with a bloody mary, a steak sandwich and this weeks 'Heat', thanks x

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:23, Reply)
This is simply outrageous, young man.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:27, Reply)

simply outrageous, young man the breakfast of champions
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:32, Reply)
BONUS ALT
MOAR BEER

ha haha a hahahah ahahah a I spelt more wrong.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:22, Reply)
TEH MOAR!!!!!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:27, Reply)
Bonus Alt: we have a pub near us that does a burger that would rival Wendys
Β£5 and a pint on Tues-Thurs \o/
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:23, Reply)
BONUS ALT: Crisps or nuts

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:26, Reply)
BONUS ALT: Spicy chicken wings and cheesy chips

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:29, Reply)
I do like wings
The bozzer by Stunned's work does a 60 wing platter which seems a mite excessive.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:36, Reply)
Seems like lunch to me.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:37, Reply)
Holy shit
popped into the supermarket to get bread and ham for lunch and as it's now summer and BBQ season there are fucking loads of pointless shit on display.

BUT

They also had the sauce stand out and Heinz have a new one called "Firecracker" which is chilli tomatoe sauce so I obviously had to have some and as soon as I got home I opened that bad boy up and tried it and it is fucking lush. Really spicy and tasty.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:31, Reply)
I might save up for some of that.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:32, Reply)
It's 1 pound at the moment.
I'll post you a pound, you have to try this stuff.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:33, Reply)
UH-OH!!!
Β£901 DEBT HERE WE COME!!!!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:35, Reply)
Oh fuck, I didn't realise he was already in hock.
I recind my offer. GO and steal it like all the other northeners.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:36, Reply)
pick'n'mix lolz

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:36, Reply)
Really?
Maybe my tastebuds are knackered but mainstream 'spicy' things always seem really weedy.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:34, Reply)
This really does have a nice kick to it.
It's not super long lasting, but I was pleasantly taken aback. I'm sure you won't think it's all that having blunted your tongue on so much cheap skag.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:37, Reply)
I cannot justify yet another chilli sauce - I must have at least 5 on the go already

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:38, Reply)
All that means is you haven't eaten enough food that goes with chilli sauces.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:39, Reply)
U no dat
I made my own green chilli paste a while back, it was fucking great. 165 green chillies, olive oil and some garlic = BINGO
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:41, Reply)
That sounds good.
Was it overpoweringly strong?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:42, Reply)
Actually not too bad
Making burgers - add a teaspoonful and so on.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:42, Reply)
I'm confused.
Which foods don't go with chilli sauces?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:42, Reply)
Puddings

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:42, Reply)

www.cornishchillicompany.co.uk/chilli_recipe_icecream.asp
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:44, Reply)
My mother sends me chilli chocolate
It isn't very nice.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:55, Reply)
You don't really like chocolate though, do you?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:57, Reply)
No, he doesn't like his mother. You're always getting those two confused.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:58, Reply)
She's the one with the 'tache, right?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:58, Reply)
Which one?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:58, Reply)
This is also a great site for chilli-heads
This being one of the best wing sauces

www.chillibugs.co.uk/BBQ_and_Wing_Sauces_Defcon_1_Wing_Sauce_-_Extreme.asp
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:41, Reply)
I love Chilli, but they really don't like me.
I have to be quite careful as my guts the next day resemble Gonz's
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:43, Reply)
Have a good look over this site they have something for everyone
Theoban has spent quite a few quid with them since I introduced him to this site
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:44, Reply)
You make it sound like a peadophile ring.
I'm not sure I trust you HH, you are a disgusting weirdo on the internet after all. And you spend an awful lot of time talking to that Al character, and I've heard he's a right cunt.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:49, Reply)
hahaha YEAH

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:52, Reply)
That does appear to be the word on the street

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:52, Reply)
I dunno, he seems alright to me.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:54, Reply)
I don't trust him

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:55, Reply)
I never trust anyone that people think is a cunt.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:57, Reply)
What if those people are cunts?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:58, Reply)
Then it stands to reason that they would know what they were talking about when recognising a cunt.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:00, Reply)
It's so confusing with so many cunts around.
Could someone please do something like this, but for cunts?
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1744010#post1744050
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:04, Reply)
Cuntception

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:00, Reply)
me neither, I hate him

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:57, Reply)
I love the guy

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:56, Reply)
Yeah, well you love having long grey hair, so your judgements a bit questionable from the off.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:57, Reply)
Sound as a pound, so I've heard

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:59, Reply)
I've heard he becomes friends with girls on facebook just so he can look through their photos in case there are some of them in a bikini or poledancing.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:01, Reply)
Don't think I don't know that you've been browsing my poledancing pics on facebook.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:03, Reply)
I just don't know what to think anymore
Someone give me an opinion yeah?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:03, Reply)
Hate him because he's black.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:04, Reply)
Ah, will do!
who were we talking about again?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:05, Reply)
The oven glove guy
Y'know, from Sheffield.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:07, Reply)
That prick?
Aw, fuck him.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:10, Reply)
Love him because he is white

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:04, Reply)
Sounds like a bad movie trailer in here
"Hate him because he's black"
"Love him because he's white"
"Fear him......."
*'SPLOSIONS!"*
*CLOSE-UPS!*
"...'cause you have no other option"
"This summer fear has a new face. Rob Schneider IS Al Jolson in...etc"
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:09, Reply)
I like this

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:10, Reply)
Lucky that everyone defriends him innit?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:05, Reply)
YEAH WELL SOME PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDS WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE ANY BIKNII OR POLEDANCING PICTURES
only if your mrs has any then I wouldn't say no to being friends with her.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:13, Reply)
Most of the photos on her page are of her eating.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:15, Reply)
I'm less interested in this
Unless she's eating ice cream suggestively.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:16, Reply)
Woah I pop out for 10 Mins
now I haven’t got a clue what’s going on
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:16, Reply)
Its ok Monty life isn't so shit after all
I just put a disc in the post for you.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 14:57, Reply)
fanks d00d

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:03, Reply)
You both "into" frisbee now?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:04, Reply)
ULTIMATE FRISBEE IS A LEGITIMATE SPORT!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:05, Reply)

sc ck
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:08, Reply)
brilliant

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:11, Reply)
It was this one
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/05/22/man-cuts-off--penis-cornwall_n_3319010.html
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 15:11, Reply)

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