WEIRD SHIT.
Today at work we received a parcel. A parcel containing a 2 sides of A4 hand written letter. A letter, and two hairbrushes. Two hair brushes and DVD of Labyrinth starring a certain D Bowie. The letter said basically this:

1. I am very ill and need an operation in America
2. I saw an item on Richard and Judy where a bloke swapped loads of stuff and ended up with a house. I want a pink cottage
3. Here is some old shit I found in a bin - can I please swap it for an item on your website?
4. If you are into this idea would you like to swap anything else for *another item on your website*?

As if this were not really fucking weird in itself, my boss told me to send her shit back, plus the item she wanted PLUS the other one she asked about.

THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD.

What was the last really fucking weird shit to happen to you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 9:53, 172 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Fucking hell
So all you need to get free stuff is to just ASK FOR IT?? Does your company sell anything I might want, Monts?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 9:57, Reply)

It really doesn't.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 9:58, Reply)

:(

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 9:59, Reply)

I'm going to send some cassettes of my teenage band 'Electric Head Funk' to Discogs
along with a list of super-rare psychedelic singles I want, and see what happens.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:01, Reply)

I'm going to do the same
But with a list of guitar related items I want and some of my old toenail clippings
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:12, Reply)

Weird? Seeing that fat fuck with a Cher tattoo who lived next to where I used to work in Folkestone, in London, twice. In different places.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:00, Reply)

What you should do is shit in the box and leave a note saying 'here's some fertiliser for the garden'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:01, Reply)

Yeah fuck it Imma do this
and keep the hairbrushes and DVD for myself. My boss can get bent.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:02, Reply)

If you're keeping the Labyrinth DVD and hairbrushes it won't be your boss who's getting bent, knoworrimean?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:03, Reply)

Outed on here as a woofter - outed by myself :o((((((((((

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:04, Reply)

Woofter? Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time...

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:08, Reply)

cheers Obi Wan

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:23, Reply)

For me, the world stopped turning in about 1992

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:25, Reply)

Nothing was ever the same for you after TreeFest was it?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:32, Reply)

It really wasn't.
I was 15 and bowled over by what I perceived to be a thriving counterculture (which was in reality just a load of homeless crusties in buses getting shitfaced). That + large amounts of acid = the successful go-getter you see before you today :o(
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:36, Reply)

This sounds a bit like some Carlos Casteneda 'Stopping the world' ballshite.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:38, Reply)

Why is Frank writing to your company?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:03, Reply)

I've got an old, knackered thermostat housing she can have, if she wants?
I know you don't like mechanical chat, but this seems like an emergency.
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:04, Reply)

What car have you bought?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:12, Reply)

MK2 Golf GTI.
Nobody understands me. My mum rolled her eyes, my stepdad called me mad. However, I've got well loads of "likes" on Facebook so up theirs.
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:14, Reply)

I'll be honest
I got hundreds of likes on facebook for getting my wife up the duff. I wouldn't regard it as sensible meter of decision-making.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:16, Reply)

You're just jealous because I've an old car
and you've just got a money pit.
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:17, Reply)

a whole 10 kilospoons there, K
and I think you know that.

Anyway, Imma buy an M3 soon. Or maybe a Mustang, just for the fuck of it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:18, Reply)

M3 over a mustang any day of the week.

( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Definitely
Unless all your roads have no corners
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:21, Reply)

yeah, absolutely. I've just got a bit of a soft spot for fuck-off US muscle cars
that's all.
*awaits strikethrough*
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:22, Reply)

I hate to agree, but the old ones have a certain charm.
I would suggest an impala over a mustang though... Or possibly a Ford Galaxie,
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:26, Reply)

I actually really, really like the new Dodge Charger
but it's a lot of money for an imported one, especially since I'd want the SS.

Old ones look pretty but are lethal to drive.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:27, Reply)

When I went to the Ford dealer with the wife to choose her new car they had the new GT40 there
it wasn't until you got close that you realise how much shitty plastic they use on the interior which explains why they are much cheaper than a European car.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:32, Reply)

That's true
but also there's no tech in them. It's easy to make a car cheap when you base in on an iron-block V8 that was designed in 1957 and some cart suspension.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:41, Reply)

cars Marys
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:35, Reply)

9.1/10
well played, sir.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:37, Reply)

Depends on the Mustange new=fuck off
a 1967 Fastback = Win
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:22, Reply)

yeah.
there's absolutely nothing like a big V8 and tiny drum brakes all round for tightening that sphincter.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:24, Reply)

Have you seen a program called "Fast and lound" on discovery turbo
They did a nice one and fully converted drums to discs, the V8 soundtack is fucking lovely .
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:26, Reply)

can't say I did.
There's a place somewhere in the south-east that produces a rebuilt 1967-era MGB with a 240 bhp Mazda engine in it, along with a getrang box and slightly properer rear suspension. I'd really like one but a) they cost 50K and, y'know, 50 fucking K? and b) swipe would be jealous.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:44, Reply)

I saw a P1800 the other day, I fell in love with it
I'm daft that way I know it's neither fast or reliable but I love the body shape
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:50, Reply)

Every now and again I look at Cobra replicas
and then I snap out of it.

Ditto TVR Tuscans from about 2000.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:51, Reply)

The AC cobra is well nice
Me and a couple of friends were thinking of getting an Elise between us as a track day car.

The TVR Tuscan is that the Batmobile looking one?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:53, Reply)

I would rather go for the AC Ace... Keeps it british

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:14, Reply)

16v?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:20, Reply)

I've certainly heard his mum has 4 valves per cylinder
ifyouknowwhatImean?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Yeah!

( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Nice

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:23, Reply)

She can have my wife.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:06, Reply)

OG has gone for the Kro and Ho sticker idea.

( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:08, Reply)

Gonz already has.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:09, Reply)

this morning i had exactly enough corn flakes to fill my breakfast bowl

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:07, Reply)

you are going to be the scornful adversary in the tv film adaptation of this woman's story

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:11, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:26, Reply)

My girlfriend left me.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:12, Reply)

Why was it weird? Do you still not understand why? Women re strange creatures after all

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:17, Reply)

I AM LOUDLY POINTING OUT HERE MY LACK OF COMMENTRY ON THE SUBJECT
BECAUSE THERE'S NO GOOD TAKING THE MORAL HIGH GROUND IF EVERYBODY IS NOT CONSTANTLY MADE AWARE OF IT
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:21, Reply)

this is EXACTLY how the moral high ground works.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:22, Reply)

I'M THE KING OF THE CASTLE AND YOU'RE THE DIRTY RASCAL

( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:35, Reply)

I understand the reasons, just not her reaction.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:23, Reply)

Prolly something else as well then that's she's not telling you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:28, Reply)

Oh shit, that's dreadful.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:26, Reply)

What was the reason?
Was her past as a sex worker holding her back amongst MK's social elite? The knowledge that you'll never be a homeowner? The breaking of the pizzagate scandal? Or did Gonz fuck her?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:28, Reply)

If she's ill in America why is she wasting money on international postage?
MIND BOGGLED
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:12, Reply)

Because you can't take it with you.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:13, Reply)

Private Eye have an ad section for people asking for dosh.
No idea how successful it is.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:17, Reply)

really not very.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:20, Reply)

People still post there though.
At least Private Eye are making a few quid.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:22, Reply)

I have often wanted to do a survey
on the success of the begging column... Some people must get something from it?
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:30, Reply)

She is ill here, and needs an operation only available in America.
By which I mean, that is the lie she is telling.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:30, Reply)

I never understood that, if the treatment worked, it would be available on the NHS.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:04, Reply)

I'm not really up on day time TV
But didn't Richard and Judy finish years ago?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:15, Reply)

She left him for a large cake apparently.
I worked on their show years ago, he was pleasant enough, she wasn't.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:18, Reply)

She always reminded me of a bag of nerves
I used to think that Richard was abusing her at home
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:20, Reply)

I hope he was. Not sexually, just physically and mentally.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:22, Reply)

She is a (barely) functioning alcoholic.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:27, Reply)

That would explain the shakes

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:29, Reply)

He was, for a while.
Think he's clean now. She was quite attractive, in a dumpy MILF way. I would have.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:30, Reply)

You are sicker than my letter-writing pal above.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:31, Reply)

I take this as a compliment, Monty.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:36, Reply)

I am having to explain to my boss why I have just projectile vomited over the team opposite.
I hope you're happy.
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:36, Reply)

Well done.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:39, Reply)

Fuck's sake.
You're wronger than a Gonz/Battered/Swipe threeway.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:36, Reply)

Picture please.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:38, Reply)

he's wronger than Goatworrier up to the back wheels in a shit-soaked vole.
A shit-soaked underaged vole.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:39, Reply)

She's just a poor man's Deborah Meedan in the MILF game.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:59, Reply)

Sorry, the G and M keys are really close, my mistake.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:59, Reply)

haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:07, Reply)

Was the letter signed M. Sams?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:32, Reply)

Yes

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:38, Reply)

You should report him to the police for fraud.
He wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:50, Reply)

oh HO!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:52, Reply)

Innit!
I'm sorry to say my head aids appears to be terminal. I may not last the week.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 19 Aug 2013, 10:57, Reply)

Well it was nice to have shared some of your final days with you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

Even today's episode of Bergerac is no compensation for my continued vomiting & general ill health.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:02, Reply)

Did you go swimming in some unsanitary pond, or something?
What's with the Lyme Disease/Legionnaire's Disease combination?
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

I might have to go back again for more tests.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:07, Reply)

I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that squirting out of both ends for a week ain't the 'flu.

( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:08, Reply)

could be gastric flu

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Oh I see, so it's DOCTOR Safestyle Windows, is it?

( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:16, Reply)

Weil's disease is quite a nasty thing and more easley caught than you think

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Are you suggesting Battered has been eating dogshit down the park?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:09, Reply)

It was bound to catch up to him sooner or later.
Matter of time, really.
( Kroney, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:10, Reply)

You normally catch it through things like rat piss

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

Tried to kill himself by drowning :(

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:14, Reply)

One way to lose weight I suppose

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

Clouds and silver linings

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)