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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I've been asked to be a 'Best Man'. Ever done it? Tips & tricks for doing so?

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:12, 111 replies, latest was 10 years ago)
Four times.
That means that four of my mates have trusted me to stand and spout bollocks, but I'd say that for three of them it was they needed a solid wing man.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:28, Reply)
Don't call the bride a (and I quote)
"Fat slapper who's had more men go down on her than the titanic."
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:33, Reply)
oops soz
Replied in the wrong place. Missus.
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:34, Reply)
Worst was the first
Donington, Lincs in 1991.

I said something like "Lincolnshire is full of vegetables" and locked eyes with a relative of the bride who had brought her brain dead son to the wedding.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:44, Reply)
Haha.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:56, Reply)
Don't put your cock in the bride.

(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:34, Reply)
In that case I'm not doing the job.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:36, Reply)
Any more.

(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:36, Reply)
Well, maybe 'not any more' is a bit excessive, but try to give it a miss at least for that day.

(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:37, Reply)
Don't.

(I helped save b3ta! Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:41, Reply)
Am I that much of a cunt?
Actually, don't answer that.
(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:42, Reply)
Nah, I'm kidding, I re long if they've asked you its because they Trust you not to be a cunt.
So be yourself, or whatever front you use to make people like you, because the real you is bound to be a cunt.
(I helped save b3ta! Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:46, Reply)
It's because they hate him most.
No real friend would burden someone else with that shit.
(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:47, Reply)
Sounds reasonable.

(I helped save b3ta! Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:48, Reply)

bound to be

definitely
(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:47, Reply)
It's fun, it's an honour
You know about presentation, make it their presentation and not yours.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:49, Reply)
I've done it 3 times, with a 4th coming up later this year.
Don't accept a drink from anyone before the speech, accept them all afterwards.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:55, Reply)
I recall you telling me about being a BM to someone you hardly knew, tough gig.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:56, Reply)
Yeap. Made tougher by having to do the speech in a pub.
A pub that hadn't been booked for exclusive use, so it was full of weekend punters going about their Saturday afternoon.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:58, Reply)
wakkiness, uke playing and bird watching
shittest reception ever
(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:58, Reply)
Good point
Do it coherent, also bugger off for a bit afterwards because the speech is usually the last act.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:59, Reply)
On the plus side, you get a sympathetic audience.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:00, Reply)
You get an audience waiting for the funny bits.
I've been looking for my last one because I think it's on youtube. The applause was primarily because the guests had been bored to death by the brides father explaining how wonderful he was.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:05, Reply)
Why do you change your name daily? It confuses us thickies.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 20:59, Reply)
If you can't spot a fake ID you'll be an even worse landlord than I feared.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:01, Reply)
and fat black policemen won't even give you the time of day

(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:02, Reply)
You've just answered your own question.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:02, Reply)
he's still not spotted the connection...
otherwise it would be obvious.
(I helped save b3ta! Muns, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:16, Reply)
Christ if you were the best man what were the other available men like?

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:11, Reply)
Quite.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:13, Reply)
I don't envy you, I reckon I'd be rubbish at it

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:15, Reply)
More concerned about giving a great stag do than what's expected on the wedding day/

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:16, Reply)
Is it likely to be a crowd you know or a mixed bunch?

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:18, Reply)
Mixed.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:20, Reply)
I don't envy you, I reckon I'd be rubbish at it

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:25, Reply)
I'm flattered to have been asked.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:32, Reply)
Horse racing is a good day out.
People can work to their own budgets, some might even make a few quid.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:26, Reply)
Or a day at the Cricket.
Cricket is good as it involves a lot of drinking.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:27, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2320176
(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:27, Reply)
Mine was at the rugby. Sport is a good call when not everyone knows each other - gives them something to talk about early on before all attendants are pissed.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:30, Reply)
How many of you are likely to be going?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:32, Reply)
Invite 20, expect 17 to say yes & 15 to turn up.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:33, Reply)
Work out what you think people might be comfortable paying and give them enough notice to find the cash.
Don't shell out anything up front yourself until you know people are good for it.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:35, Reply)
Good advice. Thanks.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:36, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2320174
(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:27, Reply)
Well why doesn't he take them all to see your band play.
Would that be a stag-friendly event?
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:28, Reply)
Not in the slightest, it'd be a thoroughly miserable experience

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:31, Reply)
It would get them ready for marriage then!
#MyMotherInLaw...
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:32, Reply)
Where' s thestag do? Both of mine were in Manchester.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:20, Reply)
How would I know when I haven't planned it yet?

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:22, Reply)
That sounds shit no offence

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:26, Reply)

Quite dead
(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:15, Reply)
Brother was mine both times, both times pissed. I'd advise sobriety, otherwise you'll probably offend someone.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:17, Reply)
I am used to offending people when sober.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:21, Reply)
4-0 to the krauts, 25 minutes.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:26, Reply)
Yeah.
Knowing you, you'd have a pub promotion on that meant you have to give fifty quid to each punter whenever Germany score.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:27, Reply)
FIVE NIL!

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:29, Reply)
What odds would a bookie have given on that score? 30:1?

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:32, Reply)
5-0 within 30 minutes?
You could have probably named your price.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:33, Reply)
Just try not to mention your own failed attempt at marriage.
In other news, evening.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:33, Reply)
And there I was about to welcome you back. Instead, fuck off you saggy grandad chaser.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:35, Reply)
You knew she was about to post?

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:37, Reply)
I wondered who that was peering in at my living room window.

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:37, Reply)
Could be Rory, we haven't seen him for a while

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:39, Reply)
Shhhh. Don't spoil it.

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:41, Reply)
He's away for a bit. Not in HMPS either.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:41, Reply)
You seem suspiciously well-informed

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:42, Reply)
What's suspicious about that?

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:44, Reply)
Rory and Monty are always chatting on WhatsApp

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:44, Reply)
I miss the wee prick so I do

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:42, Reply)
I'm sure he's thinking about you as well

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:46, Reply)
we cyber all the time m8

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:46, Reply)
so cool

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:47, Reply)
yer i kno

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:50, Reply)
Tell him I miss him, yeah?

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:52, Reply)
email him and tell him yirsel

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:55, Reply)
It's only b3th, everybody!

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:36, Reply)
Where?

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:36, Reply)
^ there

(I helped save b3ta! tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:37, Reply)
If you're watching on BBC1+1 Brazil aren't getting a kicking yet.

(I helped save b3ta! Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:46, Reply)
I'm watching it on BBC-1
Brazil are drawing 8-8
(I helped save b3ta! hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:52, Reply)
Alright hh.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:01, Reply)
In a very new and refreshing way, yes...yes I am.
You?
(I helped save b3ta! hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:14, Reply)
The GP has developed a mental illness.
He was talking about buying the lease on his local.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:16, Reply)
Maybe his local NHS Trust doesn't have enough liver disease to treat

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:17, Reply)
hiya B3ffy boo
Where the fuck have you been and who's been wielding the banhammer in your absence?
(I helped save b3ta! hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:28, Reply)
Looks like we will.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:18, Reply)
Well I trust you'll be inviting us all along to one of those 'bash' things for a free lock in!

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:19, Reply)
*goes quiet

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:31, Reply)
Could get even quieter if you can't confirm your drugs policy.
Granted, this could be a unique selling point for your pub. You could issue prescriptions at the end of the night.

Broken nose? Here, take this to the chemist, he'll give you something.
Ooh, that's a hangover waiting to happen - take this to the chemist, for about eight-quid, they'll give you 16 Neurofen.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:33, Reply)
Not bad!

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:35, Reply)
Make sure you put holes in the vending machine condoms.
You could make a fortune selling the morning after pill.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:40, Reply)
wow full loop
We're back to talking about battered and marriage
(I helped save b3ta! hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:44, Reply)
twenty three quid a pop in our gaff.

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:44, Reply)
I'll bet they sell quicker that Smart Price bread that has a Whoops! sticker on it in WsM.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:46, Reply)
We only do one a month or so, actually.
I reckon it's because we don't give them out for free.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:47, Reply)
Is there only one fertile woman in WsM?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:48, Reply)
No, round here it's the best way to get a council flat

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:51, Reply)
I thought it was wall-to-wall smack heads these days?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 23:09, Reply)
Yeah, we have quite a few methadone patients too...

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 8 Jul 2014, 23:12, Reply)
Good ty. New and refreshing? New job? Hada bath?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:17, Reply)
bit more than that, but still moving on, you should gaz weepee for landlord tips

(I helped save b3ta! hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:26, Reply)
I've chatted to a few here, including wp.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:28, Reply)
I hope the second half of the footyballing is more entertainng than the first.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 21:55, Reply)
I DO NOT BELIEVE MY GOGGLIN' BINS!
That's SIX!
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:27, Reply)
My lordy!
That makes SEVEN!
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:34, Reply)
When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds left to conquer
André Schürrle's only 23!
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:37, Reply)
Fuckin' shit cunt Germans.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:46, Reply)
Golf applause.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 22:50, Reply)
^ official victory anthem of the 2014 world cup

(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 23:12, Reply)
None of my mates are married
Lucky fuckers
(I helped save b3ta! Peej, Wed 9 Jul 2014, 8:26, Reply)

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