Hmm...
let's all calm down and have one of these:

Happy Thursday Night, you gorgeous people.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:33, 110 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Woo
first

lol!

How is everybody today?
(Stringy, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:36, Reply)

Please change the name of HSH?
Please? For me? I'll do anything?

Please? I'll be nice?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:36, Reply)

Hi Stringy!
I love you!

Er... I'm going home now. Bye!
( Cawl, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:36, Reply)

boo
I'm typing with one hand because the other is a bit messy from eating crisps and I can't be bothered to lip my fingers.

No I don't have anything better to say. God my life sucks...
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:38, Reply)

Just for Bert
ball licker
minge
monkeyspunk
cockface

I'm off to get drunk.
(Stringy, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:42, Reply)

Bert,
I think you'll have to learn to cope with there being a little bit of b3ta that you don't like (even though you're always welcome here).

In fact, I rather like the fact that annoys you. That makes me feel like smiling. I like smiling, Bert. I like it a lot.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:45, Reply)

Stuck at work for another hour

So fucking bored now anything would relieve the tedium.


*fists*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:49, Reply)

Are you fisting yourself, Ape?
Or a colleague?
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:50, Reply)

It's not annoying
I just dislike it.

Off Topic should be renamed 'Off Topic: For Girls'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:51, Reply)

Somebody motivate me to pack
Tidy my room and generally organise myself a bit. I can't shift this apathy for shit =[
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:52, Reply)

I'll come around and fist you instead

if you don't tidy your room...

and I've been rumaging in an AIDS arse.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:53, Reply)

Evening all.
Is Bert being a miserable cunt again?

I think it's about time he washed that sand out of his vagina.
( wanderlust, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:54, Reply)

V
you're going to freeze your nuts off if you go on holiday without having packed anything.

No nuts.

Surely that thought is motivation enough?
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:54, Reply)

Aids fist in my arse
And no testicles. That is quite motivating.

I'll get started in a minute...

:edit: Hello lusty you sexual being. How's bumming around?

@Clendrix I'll do that special thing we discussed yesterday before I start packing. Didn't get round to it last night.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:57, Reply)

V
Where are you going?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:58, Reply)

France, skiing
Going to Chamrousse.

*excites*
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:59, Reply)

V
DO IT! You'll regret if you don't. Think of all the rubbings you're going to get.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:59, Reply)

I know Clenders I know
It's a bit depressing to think that I'll have reached the peak of my existence at the tender age of 21 though.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:00, Reply)

Make sure you take loads of money

i was in Chourcheval over New Year and a pint was upto £8 and I saw a bugger and chips for £20!


Damn you exchange rate, damn you to hell.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:02, Reply)

Bugger AND chips for £20?
Sounds cheap to me, but I'm a southerner.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:03, Reply)

*considers bugger for £20*
Holidays. I want one. I'm so tired.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:04, Reply)

Ouch!
I don't think we'll eat out much which will help. If I take a rucksack onto the mountain with me I'll make lunch before I go out which will save some more money.

Drinking could be a pain though...
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:05, Reply)

@Captain V
It's alright. I went to my friend's house today and saw some of the new toys she's making. They're really, really good.

@ape. £20 for a bugger? Doesn't sound too bad to me!
( wanderlust, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:06, Reply)

1/4 pound of pure French boeuf
lovely stuff.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:08, Reply)

Evening ladies
Well, it is for girls.

nothing wrong with putting on womens underwear and dancing around miming to Kate Bush songs
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:12, Reply)

ancrenne...
Hello!

It's not changing. Bert's just having a difficult time of things at the moment.

Wotcher Chains.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:13, Reply)

You sure can, ancrenne
I think I may have been rubbing people up the wrong way, when all I really meant to do was stir up a bit of rude, but friendly banter.

Sorry B3ta, sorry everybody.

you cunts

EDIT True, clenders. I think my recent behaviour has coincided with al's absence and the Mrs and I breaking up.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:13, Reply)

Bert,
don't be sorry. We're always happy to see you - no one sucks cock quite like you.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:14, Reply)

Is there any greater feeling
Than doing up your ski boots so tightly that you cut off circulation to your feet?

*falls over*
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:15, Reply)

V
why are you putting them on now? Surely you're not skiing to your hotel from here?
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:16, Reply)

Clendrix
Come now, that's not very fluffy, is it?

I'm doing my best here.

you wanton bucket of week-old cock cheese

Sorry, couldn't resist.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:17, Reply)

LOL @ Captain V
Here everyone, have the funniest advert ever.

Well, the funniest SFW condom ad, anyway.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:17, Reply)

I love goats. I really do.
I wish that 'I love horses' song was about goats.

But then it would have to say, 'I love goatses' to scan properly. And that might be wrong.

Wanton bucket! Fantastic - that's my favourite most upsettingly received insult yet.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:17, Reply)

Goats are totally 2008
it's all about Marmosets these days.

EDIT please stop saying LOL, please? I'm trying very hard to be tolerant.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:18, Reply)

Well
I got them out of the bag just to have a look last night and realised I'd not put them away properly and had deformed part of the boot which prompted lots of fun with a hairdryer last night. Boot fixed, just wanted to check it was still ok.

I'd also like to sort out the fact that my left boot pinches ever so slightly when I do them up really tightly but they requires either modification of the boot or restructuring of my foot.

Seeing as I can't work out what material to remove from the boot I think I'll got at my foot with a sledgehammer.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:19, Reply)

I'm going to take it like a man
A shattered foot shouldn't hurt that much anyway and especially shouldn't prevent me from skiing.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:22, Reply)

Oh well that's ok then
LOL
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:22, Reply)

I saw a lmao in the question the other day. I almost exploded.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:23, Reply)

Oh V, just chop the fucking thing off.
Heather Mills did and now she's fucking loaded.
And everyone hates her.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:24, Reply)

No3l
It's only acceptable in the format of ROLFMAYO
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:25, Reply)

Can you guess
where I jizzed yet?

(I'm talking about ROLFMAYO, not issuing a general query. Stand down.)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:26, Reply)

Was looking around the net at ski equipment
And stumbled across this review of the boots I have.

"I skied for five hours with the boots on the wrong feet. After fixing that minor adjustment I did alot better.

Yes, I would recommend this to a friend"
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:26, Reply)

MFOTABL
Or something like that, was funny.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:28, Reply)

MFOTFABL
I think.

Move foot on the floor a bit laughing.
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:30, Reply)

Moved foot on the floor a bit laughing
wasn't it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:30, Reply)

Jinx
touch wood!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:31, Reply)

OK
*touches wood*

Oh Bert!
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:32, Reply)

You're not allowed to talk until
somebody says your name now.

IT'S THE RULES
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:32, Reply)

It's Bert!
The spunk filled anal cavity himself. Hey Bert.

And of course everyone else!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:34, Reply)

I'm just nipping down t'chippy
Anyone want me to grab them a saveloy?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:35, Reply)

Evening all
So, it's rubbish weather today, and the bank messed up ordering my new card, meaning that it won't arrive before I disappear to uni again. Stupid banks.

Also, I may not be-able to make it to the Embra bash.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:35, Reply)

Does that count?
*speaks anyway*

Badger.
Ancrenne.
Chains.
V.

Podders! WTF do you mean? Why?
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:36, Reply)

You can't speak
therefore, you can't say your name.

Clendrix. There, problem solved.

Hey TGB, how's you?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:36, Reply)

Not too bad thanks.
Roll on the weekend though.

PoD everyone has to go to Edinburgh it's the law see *points to law*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:38, Reply)

Clendrix Clendrix Clendrix
Hey TGB! *waves*

I think you'll find the law says everybody except burtcunt can come to Edinbash
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:39, Reply)

Oh no!
I've got to go to the pub. With a man. Who has a funny face.
*cries*

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
( thealternativefact, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:39, Reply)

As a weedgie
I've never been to Edinburgh, apparently there are monsters there.

V Burtcunt? That's a bit strong, isn't it? Have I upset you?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:40, Reply)

I;m offended
he doesn't want to meet us!

*snogs ancrenne*
*feels up V*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:41, Reply)

Nothing particular bert
Just being alive.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:41, Reply)

There is a very high possibilty of a slight clash with a friend's wedding
Which makes me sad. It's not lke my bands playing at it, so I might nip off for a short while....

Edits - I do however like how people apparently want me to be there, which is quite nice
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:41, Reply)

Evening peeps
Looks like I'll be around here for a while tonight.

I'm at a bit of a loose end, but I've got a decent supply of cider. Yay!

Edit: Arse. Wrong account. I'll have to be careful to keep up the pretence
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:42, Reply)

That's really rather unpleasant, V
Everything that I say is in jest. I thought that you and I got on, I considered you to be my hairy little Koala-boy.

What have I done wrong?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:42, Reply)

I wonder who Julie
Is the alter ego of...

*feels down TGB*
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:43, Reply)

Wooo cider!
I have cider and ice cream woot!

Bert would you like a bit of a grope to cheer you up after V's hurtful comments?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:44, Reply)

You're still breathing dammit!
Go suck on an exhaust pipe and asphyxiate yourself already!

Love you really, sorta, well maybe not
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:44, Reply)

V
That would be telling.

Besides. I'm quite liking the anonymity - it's fun in a bizarre sort of way.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:47, Reply)

I recognise the text in your profile
But I can't remember who you are =[
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:48, Reply)

Evening Folks!
I have Findus crispy pancakes!

*old school glees*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 18:56, Reply)

Sorry, I was called away for a minute there
TGB, only if it leads to some meaningless, shallow, hollow, empty, soul-destroying sex, during which you don't look at me and call me by a different name.

V is being very mean to me, it's one thing to call somebody a bum sniffing rim jockey, but quite another to wish death on a fellow human being. S'not nice.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:00, Reply)

Fine Gerald
Sex with you would never be meaningful as you are such a pitiful excuse for a man
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:02, Reply)

This just made me wtf
answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlWp4N2BZtqUe_.yRrqEA5jaxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090115103235AAlD7oH

I was searching for why me pee was just bright green. Turns out Rockstar energy drink makes your wee green. Who knew?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:03, Reply)

I said empty!
Not insulting! What is it with everybody lately?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:04, Reply)

darling bert
you fucker.

come here and have some fluffehtiem.

*fluffehs*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:06, Reply)

Well Gerald
I believe you said you didn't like all the nice chatting on here and laid out some rules so everyone was more insulting. Reap what you sow you fucker!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:08, Reply)

Hello Lady Tulip!
*ensnuggles*

*huggles Badgerface*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:09, Reply)

I'm going to watch Battlestar from the beginning
oh yes. *glees*

*hugs Pickleface*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:11, Reply)

Beekers! and badger!
*grabs*

*huggles*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:14, Reply)

HLT!
WOOO *cuddles*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:18, Reply)

I like this!
*groups huggles tulip and badger*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:21, Reply)

TGB
in response to your 'weep what you sow' I give up, I've been given an official warning, ran out of insults, and annoyed lots of peeps.

So fuck you, smelly.

I'd just like to say how reassuring and lovely I've found the last few posts to be (obviously not the ones directed at me).
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:21, Reply)

A warning from here!?
No way. Aww I'm sorry then Bertypoo. You've never offended me :)

*snogs and gropes Bertypoo to cheer him up*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:22, Reply)

*comforts bert*
*slips him some cock*

Shit about le warning.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:24, Reply)

Yep. I done got told off.
I've never offended you? I must try harder.

I was only trying to appear weak and pathetic in my last post in the hope that some of you would dive in to kick me while I was down.

...and no thanks to the snogs and gropes, without meaningless sex they'd make me feel wanted.

V, it is shit, isn't it? There's far worse than me on here.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:25, Reply)

Why kick
when groping Hitlercock is loads more fun :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:26, Reply)

Ah, Hitlercock
always sure to bring a smile to my face.

I love that little guy, he's getting some extra special attention when I get home.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:27, Reply)

Did I kill the thread?
Was I bringing everybody down?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:38, Reply)

I was busy ordering something special from the intertubes
There is a small possibility that it wont arrive in time though. Delivery is 5 - 10 working days (I paid extra for that...) and the day I need it for is the 11th working day from now...

*is apprehensive*
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:43, Reply)

You have to tell us what it was
or there was no point in you posting that.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:44, Reply)

When you see me next
You'll know exactly what I was talking about in that post but until then (or somebody else sees it and tells you about it) it's going to remain a surprise.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:45, Reply)

Is it a spiffy hat?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:47, Reply)

Better than that
Much better.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:47, Reply)

Is it a spluffy hat?
*buuuurp* Mmmm Kebab Burger and Chips, dinner of champions.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:55, Reply)

I've got fish, chips and yorkshire puddings coming my way soon
And no it's not a spluffing hat either.
( Captain V, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 19:57, Reply)

Evening all
I have had a grand total of three cigarettes all day, and I feel kinda good. Just for the record I normally smoke between 25 and 30 a day, I may have one later though!

How are you lot of lovely people?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 20:26, Reply)

Bert
aren't you here a little past your bedtime?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 20:29, Reply)

Hey!
Dok - good stuff. Is that cos you've not had a chance to smoke, or cos you've made a concerted effort to cut down?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 20:38, Reply)

No3L
it's a concerted effort to stop, I don't think that it'll take to long to be honest!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 21:05, Reply)

Looks like QOTW had an early night!
I've just spent an hour watching the rolling news about a plane going down in the Hudson river in New York.

All 150+ passengers got off the plane alive. That's absolutely mental.

And with that, good night. And good luck, Dok, with the quitting.
Edit: a.abcnews.com/images/US/rt_plane_crash_090115_xwide.jpg
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 21:47, Reply)

No airplane fatalities in the States in 7 years
There was that plane that went down in New Jersey a few months after 9/11, since then nothing. It's statistically bizarre.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 22:31, Reply)