Apologies for my lateness but I was having a crisis in the REAL WORLD! SHOCK! HORROR!
Driving back from working this morning - had to take son #2 with me as he's got a sore throat and croaky voice and therefore can't irritate his teacher, instead he has to irritate me.
Hmm...

Anyway, also had my parents in the car - dental appointment, blah, blah, blah.

So, my darling eleven year old son blurts out, "Mum, what's a dido? Everyone at school says, You dido!"

Phew, I think, narrowly escaped that one...

"Darling, it's Dido and it's a name - she's a singer and there was also a woman in mythology called Dido married to a man called Aeneas - I'll find the story for you somewhere."

Oh, how middle class!

"No Mum, I got it wrong. What's a DILDO?"



................


My dad had (mercifully) nodded off in the warmth of the car.

My mother had to have the term 'blow job' explained to her some years ago so she sat silent.

I replied, "I don't know"

Well, what would you have said in front of your parents?

I then turned a rather felching fetching shade of scarlet as I attempted to stop laughing.

"You do know! You do! Mum! What's a dildo?!"

"....."

"Mum!"

"....."

"Mum! What's a dildo?!"

"Erm...what would you like for lunch?"

"A dildo please Mum. Dildo, dildo, dildo"



*Chickenlady asplodes*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:24, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What you should've said...
was "ask your grandmother".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:27, Reply)

Did you tell him in the end?
Or did you give him a dildo for lunch so he could find out for himself?
( Captain V, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:27, Reply)

Mmmmmmmmm
chickenlady, CHCB and dildos. My lunchtime could not get any hornier.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:33, Reply)

I remember studying
Dildo & Anus
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:35, Reply)

When we got out of the car
I pulled him aside and hissed, "Don't. You. Dare. Ever. Repeat. That. Language. In. Front. Of. Your. Grandparents. Again!"

He mumbled, "Oh. Sorry."

When I have the opportunity to talk to him alone I will tell him what a dildo is, but I'm not having him say it in front of my mother.

My mother! FFS!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Oh I remember this from a kid, but I was the one going around calling people a dildo.
My dad yelled at me and told me not to say it but wouldn't tell me why.
Finally my mum said 'it's a fake penis' in a super whisper.
At the time, thankfully, I didn't quite get the point as to why someone would want or need a fake penis.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:40, Reply)

You can speak in full stops?
That must be something you develop once you're a mother.

I can't imagine why your mother wouldn't have heard of a dildo though? She's your mother after all.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:41, Reply)

Al
I get all my lady-like behaviour from my mother.

And as I said above, my dad was asleep. Had he been awake he too would have asploded with mirth, or been outraged.

My mother believes my sons were conceived immaculately and all PJM and I do is hold hands and smile chastely at each other.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:47, Reply)

But that is all you do isn't it?
isn't it?

*looks worried*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:49, Reply)

hahaha
superb
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:49, Reply)

Al, why are you worried?
Surely it's the goats that are worried?

Now that you're back you and Gigantacock can crack on...and I see there are others willing to don the gimp suit too...

Ah...the draw of Gigantacock.

He loaned it to me last night you know.

I put it in some Milton Sterilising Fluid.

It's hygienic now.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:54, Reply)

Other parents are going to hate me when I have kids
*plots sinister things*
( Captain V, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:54, Reply)

Gigantacock will never by hygenic
It's inherently dirty.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:55, Reply)

Well if you will keep sticking it up
goat's bums it will be dirty.

I've kept goats - their bums are dirty and rather dry.

Sheep bums are wet, like their poo.

And I once watched someone manually evacuate a cow's bum.

That was an interesting half hour.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 14:00, Reply)

Evacuating a cows bum?
I've got the mental image of lots of people in hard hats with lights on climbing out of a cows arse in a mild state of panic.

*chuckles to self*
( Captain V, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 14:07, Reply)

This reminds me

of the bit from one of the Reggie Perrin books (two mentions in one day!).

"They're an Italian film director and an Irish airline." said Reggie.

"What are?" said his wife.

"One of the grandchildren just asked me what fallatio and cunnilingus were."
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 14:08, Reply)

Aw
The joys of children, it's things like this that make me think I'm better off without them, and not actually want them!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Your mom knows that you and PJM aren't chaste.
Remember him grabbing her butt?

My kids have never quite taken it that far, thank god. But I did have a similar sort of thing once...

I used to have (and actually still do) a wooden artist's mannequin that sat on the back of my desk at home. I named it Woody and used to occasionally re-pose it as I went by, usually sitting with his feet hanging off the edge of the desk or some such.

Nurse Ratched used to give it to my son to play with when he was about two, despite my requests that she keep it from him. He would wrench on the thing terribly, and over time the articulations stopped working as well. Finally one day after a fight over this with my wife, I put the damn thing away in a closet.

My son came through looking for it to play with, and loudly said, "Dad, where's your Woody?"

"That's a rather personal question, son," I replied with a straight face. "You need to go ask your mother that one."

He turned and asked her, "Mom? Where's Dad's Woody?"

I smiled as she turned interesting shades of red.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 16 Jan 2009, 14:27, Reply)

LFMAO
Ah, the real world. So full children. And sex toys.

*thanks stars is not a parent*

I salute you, Chickenlady, for managing to operate a vehicle through all of that.
( cackers, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 17:05, Reply)

This clip shows the perils of parenthood perfectly...
angry-kid-butt-plug

Thank God my kids have never subjected me to anything like it.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 8:19, Reply)