Haemorrhoids, Sweaty Haemorrhoids


Our current bog roll is shite. Andrex aloe vera. It tears when one wipes one's arse, resulting in poke-through. It also skids a bit, although not as bad as Izal. Luckily I crap 4-5 times a day minimum, so it won't last much longer. It is ok for blowing one's nose - and the silver lining is I have short nails.

* EDIT/
DG says it's inappropriate to post a picture of my arse here as it'd be NSFW, hence the Pink Panther allusion*

Fancy talking shite?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:25, 62 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oooh you posh-o.
I wipe my Thomas Beckett with a hand grenade and a 2x4, and that's only if I'm lucky.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:29, Reply)

That'll be grand
for getting the winnets off I'd imagine?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:33, Reply)

Thanks for sharing, boobies.
I've started using baby wipes, as the impact of my new healthy diet has run my ring ragged. Even better, I keep them in the fridge. Bliss!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:33, Reply)

Crikey
4-5 times a day? I've finally worked up to once a day - used to be every couple of days.

Me, I've got that Tesco Discount Brand stuff, which is also shite but cheap.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:34, Reply)

Honestly...
you have NO idea. Our bathroom's like a fucking war zone at times.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:35, Reply)

Medic!
*chuckles*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:37, Reply)

Lidl's babywipes = cowboy wash
Grand for when you've slept in & don't have time for a shower. Pits, blit 'n' feet, in that order.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:38, Reply)

tourettes
not with just the one babywipe I hope?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:40, Reply)

Cenapods
They're a medicine, not a condiment.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:40, Reply)

I use the facial wipes
'cos they're antibacterial. You want to avoid the exfoliating ones if you're going to use them on your bits, though.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:42, Reply)

Halfy
Oh, no. She's a classy bird, is my missus.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:42, Reply)

I'm reminded of a mate
Who decided as treat to wipe his hoop with some baby wipes after a particularly satisfying shit.

Moral of the story is, never, EVER store the anti-bacterial wipes on top of the toilet cistern...

Stung like buggery, apparently. His missus was helpless with laughter and couldn't do anything for shaking like a mirthsome jelly.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:44, Reply)

LIC
That reminds me, I got some anti-ageing facial wipes from Wilco. I've yet to try them on my floorpan - I wonder if they'd be a viable alternative to a vaginoplasty?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:48, Reply)

Halfy
With t'credit crunch, hell yes one wipe! Hence the order, see?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:50, Reply)

*remembers Izal*
*shudders*
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:53, Reply)

*snogs BGB*
chickenlady used to use Izal for tracing paper at school (by order of the nuns). My Granny detested her husband and always left Izal in the bathroom for "him". She always had a secret stash of Andrex for us though ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:05, Reply)

I find it somewhat comforting
that I have no idea what you're talking about right now.

Although I have a sneaking suspicion it's the rubbish, waxy white toilet 'paper' we used to have at school, that was like wiping with thick cling film.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:08, Reply)

I lived with my nana for a few years in my teens.
That is all she bought. All it seemed to do was smear shit around my arse. I even resorted to using newspaper instead.

She was a lovely nana though : )



*snogs Tourettes back*
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:10, Reply)

You know it had a rough side and a smooth side, right?
If you used the smooth side on your arse it would just move the mess around. The smooth side was to protect your hand.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:14, Reply)

*musters up bestest social skills*
*realises forgot to lick everyone*

*moistens tongue*

*rolls over for belly-rub*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:14, Reply)

I'm so impressed
I can't believe you manage to crap 4-5 times a day! How do you manage it? What's your secret? I'm one of those "i'm lucky if I manage to go twice in a week" people. Not fun.

*has a new goal in life*
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:15, Reply)

LIC
The trouble with Izal was that it had zero absorbancy. Even the "rough" side was as much use as tits on a bull.

*remembers the good ol' days*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:16, Reply)

Apeface
The secret is simple - I have an irritating bowel ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:18, Reply)

Bugger
And here was me hoping for a miracle diet or something.

Will just have to stick to the All-Bran. Unless you want to try some kind of mini-give me half of your bowel transplant to even us both out?

On the waxy bog roll, stuff of the devil. When you've got one of those horrid poos, nothing beats kitchen roll for squeaky clean bumness.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:22, Reply)

I don't actually go to the loo 4 or 5 times a day.
I just think I need to go to the loo 4 or 5 times a day and.........I swear I must have an 80 year old man's prostrate, (yes I know women don't have them), cause I have to pee every 5 minutes.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:26, Reply)

you 're right about the andrex stuff as well
the first few times I used it I thought I had forgotten how to wipe my arse .
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:31, Reply)

^
I like to indulge in what I call "arse origami". My OCD forces me to refold a wad of bog roll in order to save trees. Then, on each new fold I try to make a picture with the poo stain, much like seeing cloud pictures. Recently, I made a map of Great Britain - even incorporating Northern Ireland.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:39, Reply)

Heheh
That's had me giggling for a minute, that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:44, Reply)

Post it!
I've seen your arse, it's quite lovely.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:55, Reply)

Please Loon
don't encourage her...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:56, Reply)

Oh please shoot me now.
I've just done that thing when you look for your glasses and they're still perched on top of your head.


*sobs*
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:07, Reply)

The Pink Panther pic
is relevant as my missus has him tattooed on her arse, btw...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:15, Reply)

Greetings
I got a letter from HM Revenue & Customs today. It was just asking for my new address, but since I haven't had a UK-based job for some time, it has a somewhat ominous undertone to it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:32, Reply)

Hmmm
So a picture of an Emo's scarred arm might be appropriate for a Harm Sweet Harm thread?

Or indeed a Harm Sweet Arm thread.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:38, Reply)

Or if Tourette's is Irish
it would be a 'hone sweaty hone' thread.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:42, Reply)

If a previous defence secretary
took a disliking to certain chinese immigrants, would that be Hoon Swat Han?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:16, Reply)

If you were an ardent fan
Of shortarsed, knighted actor Sir Ian, it could be as simple as Holm Sweet Holm.

Occasional wastrel The Disappointed passing through...
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:26, Reply)

Thankyou TD
Clearly nobody else appreciates a pun cascade.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:31, Reply)

I think
after the last week puns are off the menu for a while
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:33, Reply)

No problem
I've been cogitating upon this one and another answer is in my past.

I used to go out with a lass who lived in this village:-

www.thecumbriadirectory.com/Town_or_Village/Holme/Holme.php

Although in the end it was far from sweet...
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:35, Reply)

then
it would be Holme shit Holme?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:36, Reply)

@Halfy
More "Holme seriously-fucking-psychotic Holme."

Or, to contain the thread within the thread - "Holme (her stupid head) Holme"

That's a bit complicated.

Fun while it lasted. Far from fun once it ended.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:41, Reply)

evening you lot...
and how are we?
@td speshly you marrer, how's teh guts?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:51, Reply)

Back to poo.
We actually still sell Izal at work. I can't recall one single person buying it since I started working here. The stuff itself has probably gone past its best before date...

I used to do one poo every day, conveniently in the morning when I got up. Now I can poo for England all day long. I think it's prolly a sign that I should stop eating... that and the two stone weight gain in the last six months or so. And it doesn't half stick to the paper (at the moment it's Co-op's cheapest because it proclaims to save trees... I would venture that it does this by not containing any, and it doesn't work out cheaper because it takes half a roll per wee, and wee still gets on my hand because the sheets are too small), wipe after wipe after wipe and still there's poo.... What's that with? Too much wheat? Sugar? Fat? Stress...? Anyway I have resorted to using moist wipes too. And I use facewipes for face, then pits if necessary, then bits if necessary, or feet. But not bits and feet. Unless I haven't done pits... I think the rule is three body parts per wipe.

Gone off me yet?
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:53, Reply)

On a total tangent
a very cool someone passed me a couple of albums by a chap called Jesse Younan, quite good but, fuck!


Check out a song called Forever by him, its seriously awesome

Edit: fuzzy that reminds me of the Ben Elton (hawk, spit) sketch about toilet paper in motorway service stations, where it doesn't so much remove it rather it moves it all around until you end up with a poo on the top of your head
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:55, Reply)

Warmfuzzyfeeling
Instead I'm strangely aroused.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:57, Reply)

Jesse Younan
If you like that, you'll probably like

Chicklet
Bitter:sweet
The Herd
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:03, Reply)

@B69
Quite astonished really.

After Tuesday night's unfortunate guts episode I thought it might be best to go to the doc.

Not surprisingly - it was a bit of food poisoning - but I'm such a rare visitor to my doctors that they gave me a full check-up (I pay £8 a month not to visit my doctor so don't expect this on the NHS.)

I am, apparently, in quite superb order. Blood pressure, cholestoral etc. excellent.

Now, I've spent the last 25 of my 40 years on this earth guzzling all sorts of substances clinically certified as harmful and often officially certified as illegal.

I have treated my liver, lights and lungs in much the same way as Volvo treat their crash test dummies.

So - am I:-

A - a walking timebomb?
B - lucky?
C - misdiagnosed?
D - invincible, like Captain Scarlet?

Right at the moment, as an optimist and favouring option D, I'm celebrating this delightful diagnosis by drinking heavily and scoffing Rothmans.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:09, Reply)

most likely
none of that stuff is as harmful as they make out.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:10, Reply)

yeah...
let's go with invincible!
i smoked like a good northern chimney until about 3 years ago and frankly that sometimes gives me teh fear, dig it? what am i waiting to happen...
brrrr
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:17, Reply)

.
@TLiC re WFF:
Oi! Get in line you! I saw her first :-P

@TD:
Your superhero power would be immunity to harmful substances.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:19, Reply)

There is
A scary history of cancer in my mum's side of the family.

And a history of long life and painless quick death in my dad's side of the family.

It's a bit like Deal or No Deal.

But I'm enjoying myself (mostly) and believe in fate and medical advances.

I'm not about to start acting like a responsible 40 year old and now I have medical evidence to back me up.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:32, Reply)

bill hicks...
"it's you people dying of nothin' that are screwed"
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:35, Reply)

Which was
Originally, part of a far bigger Lenny Bruce piece.

And Bruce was the first - and by far the most original - artist to die sitting on the bog.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:44, Reply)

Fred Dibnah
Strikes again with another thread demolition.

Bedtime.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:06, Reply)

bumstink!
i can haz smeggy thread-bork hat plz?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:08, Reply)

@td
didnae ken that, big man...
every day's a school day.
speaking of which i's off to bed.
don't let them bugs bite
x
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:12, Reply)

blaireua69
sleep tight pet!
and cunt them bed bugs in the fuck ;o)
Sweaty dreams x
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:18, Reply)

this hat stinks of
a thoroughly unpleasant COCKtail of crusty jizz stains............ :o/
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:36, Reply)

"BORK BORK BORK"
said the Swedish chef, whilst tossing his meatballs.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:39, Reply)

TY

Just spurted beer thru my nose. More effective than the flu medicine I've been on.
( cackers, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 1:54, Reply)

I have discovered
that eating a heroic amount of peanuts yesterday seemed like a good idea. Although it produced a turd that looks like a cross between a Marathon bar and drowning weasel an undigested peanut swiped my nipsy ring with painful results.

It was like the greenhouse scene in Scum :(
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 13:11, Reply)