Oh come on people
you can do better than this. I know it's Friday afternoon, it's hot and sunny outside and you don't want to be at work, but put in a bit of effort, will you?

If you could have sex with any person in the world (not including famous people or b3tans as they've already been covered) who would it be, and why?
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:44, 33 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Why would I want to have sex with someone who is not famous or a B3tan?
FFS!
( girlinthehole, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:49, Reply)

we could list names of people we know that we'd like to screw
but what would be the point?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:50, Reply)

Your
Ma.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:52, Reply)

This is such a fail
Here I am, doing my best just to get the afternoon to pass a little faster by emulating a woman who hates me, but it's just not happening, I don't even know where everybody is. I think I might cry.

Nah, I probably won't cry, but I might. MAybe I could answer my own question, yeah that's a good idea.

If I were single, and not horribly awkward and evil and everything, I'd probably have a crack at the little blonde girl who works in Sainsburys, because she flirts with me every time I'm in there.
Not that you care, but I'm only making conversation. Can't hurt can it? Unless it's with yourself. First sign of madness and all that.

Madness were a good band, weren't they? I like House of Fun, Our House, Baggy Trousers, it must be love and all that, even the Birdseye ads with Suggs in don't get on my tits as much as you think they might. They really don't.

Oh well, I'll stop now.

EDIT damn me for typing that while you were all posting. Yes, I was asking about the people all of you fancy in real life, the ones you might actually have a chance with someday.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:53, Reply)

The people we fancy in real life?
Who we might, conceivably one day have a chance with? Huh. Well, she's about 100 miles away now, and has a partner, but I guess if I orchestrated some sort of doomsday scenario where I wind up being the last living human male on the planet I'd stand a chance :D
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Ahhhh..... Fredz
I feel your pain. So is she an ex, somebody you never took the chance with, or your mum after filing the restraining order?
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Somebody I never took a chance with
But she does have a restraining order against me, and I did once call her mummy. Does that count in my favour?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:58, Reply)

Hell yes it does
You stupid fuck, go and get her, or you'll beat yourself up forever.

So what if she laughs at you? So what if her boyfriend beats you to a bloody pulp? So what if you lose your everything, inculding your dignity, your self-respect and your will to live? So what if that then prevents you from being able to work, the pain becomes too hard to bear, you lose your job, your house, your family turn their backs on you, and you end up in a residential home?

So what?
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Ahhh, No, burnt those bridges already
I drunkenly called her up and confessed my feelings. Not falling over drunk mind, just drunk enough to get it together to ask. She said no, not interested and all that. Trouble is I'm still vaugely hung up on it - which I put down to being a useless emo tosser! I guess I could develop some sort of plan involving me standing outside her flat with some form of music or another confessing my undying love and all that?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Believe me
that doesn't work. Turning up in the middle of the night and proclaiming your undying love, and hinting that as you know their partner is away right now maybe you could have some naughtiness doesn't do you any favours.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:10, Reply)

hmmmm
There's this person - who I know - who I fancy. And yeah. I'd do them. And they know who they are.


(woo for ambiguity!)
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:12, Reply)

It's me, isn't it?
You've been gagging for me for weeks, admit it. I've turned you.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:13, Reply)

Ha ha!
Good to know that one. Oh well, guess I'll just go get hung up on someone else, with hopefully better results. And just spend those occasional hours alone with them wondering, thinking about what could have been and all that fun stuff :D You should have a newspaper advice colum or something....
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:15, Reply)

yes bert
I admit it - you've turned me. to drugs.

Happy now? come here you big oaf and giss a hug.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:16, Reply)

you say that like drugs are bad....
copious amounts of ganja have made me the man I am today!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:20, Reply)

NO
I've done away with the fluff and the niceness, we'll have no more of that. At least that way everybody knows where they stand.

I hear you've got enough room for a watermelon and an American Football team up your snatch.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:21, Reply)

yeah I do bert
it's no wonder I can't feel your pin dick.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:26, Reply)

@Vipros
I am 75% less of an annoying cunt than I would be were I not a prodigious herbalist*

Two weeks ago I had in my hands a slab of Nepalese hash that was the size of a pillowcase.

Using a huge piece of hash as a skinning-up mat may be an extremely juvenile way in which to get pleasure but I loved it....


*just imagine how annoying I would be *shudders*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Like I'd ever have sex with
an Australian

*shudder*
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:29, Reply)

excuse me
I am Dutch/Australian thank you.
So - Bertus. Shut up you pasty, whingy, cheap shelf of detritus.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Monty
me too. I would also be bored, angry and sleep-deprived.

Skinning up on a massive block sounds fantastic!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:32, Reply)

Dutch-Australian?
So you surrender to Germans wanting to invade France, as well as being the descendant of English criminals?

*slow hand clap*

You curly-haired, cock-averse, empty plastic box, which we use for sending things to the lab, of nothingness.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:43, Reply)

you're just jealous
that I'm not going to succumb to Hitlercock. Ever.

That's what this is really about. You've been gagging for my nubile body and filthy mind ever since I showed up here. And I won't give in. Nope. Not to *you*.

so there. you mong faced, seedy, oafish brute.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:50, Reply)

"gagging for my nubile body and filthy mind "
Well now I am, fucking hell on a bourbon cream, that got me horny in a very strange way.

So, er... *randomly generated insult involving animal, swear word and action*

Yeah.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:07, Reply)

ahaha
I'll behave. I swear. I'm a good girl really....it's just my mind that's totally corrupted and filthy.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Stop it.
I'm seeing my Mrs next week, it's going to be totally awesome, we're going to the cinema and everything, it'll be great.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:10, Reply)

oooo
what're you seeing?

gah. /mind. gutter. removes.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:12, Reply)

If it's still out
Fast and Furious.

Hopefully we won't be doing what we did when we saw Wall-E
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:16, Reply)

of course you will be
it's a dark room. You haven't seen her in a bit. The hormones will get you going like nobody's business.

it's only natural. :P
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:18, Reply)

I guess the one good thing
is that this time there won't be 8 year old boys nearby, and an annoying little robot squealing 'Wall-E' every five minutes.

I can't believe she cried during that film though, that's awful.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Was it the film that made her cry?
Or being in your company for more than the doctor-recommended 59 minutes?

EDIT: for the topic of the thread, I'd go for Lush Norks Lass at work. She's a bit dippy but her heart's in the right place; behind an impressive boob.

She has two, her heart's just behind one of them.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:29, Reply)

ohhh light!
that was mean! *hugs slightly too long*
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:30, Reply)

That was a pretty poor insult
I know for a fact that if we were able to spend more time together, my Mrs would have left me by now.

It was Wall-E, he made her cry when he pretended to die. Just like ET.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:39, Reply)