I had just taken a leave of absence from work
as the smell of photocopier toner was taking a toll on my nerves
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 19:54, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

But the images of naked women dancing around me were quite enough to suffice a quick hand shandy in the gents

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 19:55, Reply)

I tearfully parted with my on the clock onanism
when you can crush a coffee mug with one hand by accident and not lift the same cup with the other its time to reassess ones life.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 19:58, Reply)

Was tempted by the ladies but noone could ever accuse me of not learning my lessons

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 19:58, Reply)

and my pandatronic colleague had made one too many cups of smelly fruit tea
so it was not just for my sanity, but also for her health.
( Maladicta, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 19:56, Reply)

My former co-workers were the last thing on my mind when I met the witch as I walked through the park on route to my dreadful flat.

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:00, Reply)

The flat I had inherited from my aged aunt
who left me a share in a pig named Gerald along with it.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:02, Reply)

The happy part was that my share became a nifty bit of back bacon

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:04, Reply)

Feeling lonely as hell and suddenly carefree for the first time in ages
I approached the witch and offered her one of my famous home made BLTs as a gesture of friendship
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:05, Reply)

"Get to fuck," she said.
"I'm a vegetarian. That better be fake bacon."
( Maladicta, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:09, Reply)

I was about to make reference to the womble fur stuck between her teeth
when I thought better of it and proffered a cigarette instead
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:11, Reply)

With a twitch of her warty nose
what had once been a proud part of Gerald was transformed into a rather sorry-looking carrot.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:12, Reply)

the first evidence of true witchery
other than a pointy hat with 'Witch' written on it in yellow highlighter
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:16, Reply)

and an old and tattered t-shirt proclaiming 'Grotbags Rules!'

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:18, Reply)

And a familiar
Which bore more than a passing resemblance to David Mellor.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:31, Reply)

On learning that he could be transformed
he wondered if he was now one of those Transformers that could merge with other Transformers to make a big Transformer.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:16, Reply)

Unfortunately
He could only realy transform into root vegetables, and he and his transformer veg companions could never go near tescos fruit and veg aisle for fear of seperation and a terrile terrible fate.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:19, Reply)

the witch shrugged
and had a hearty swig from her Dom Perignom
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:20, Reply)

Which was rather rude
Considering he'd bought the Dom Perignom and all. But he decided not to say anything about it. Mostly because carrots don't have mouths, or vocal chords.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:29, Reply)

But he'd misheard
The witch had actually offered to DEFORM him.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:19, Reply)

like a glasweigean in a car crash

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:20, Reply)

Hence
His oddly mis-shapen nose.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:23, Reply)

And so Michael Jackson's long slide into whitehood began.

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:24, Reply)

The end.
Go on then - start another one...
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 20:28, Reply)