We have a new Edmund in our midst and his name is Kaol
He has just been gazzing me about his penis. Apparently it is "[h]igh-quality, obviously, but small. I just keep telling myself that."

What has disappointed you size and/or quality lately?
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:48, 47 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh my god,
I can't believe you set yourself up for this.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:51, Reply)

I trust people can distinguish between your INTERNET LIES and the truth

( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:52, Reply)

I have terribly low expectations.
You didn't disappoint at all.
( thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:54, Reply)

Awesome
=D
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:55, Reply)

I was dissapointed
that you didn't taste as tangy as Kaol. But I wasn't disappointed by your delicate tongue action.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:57, Reply)

This is terrible internet bullying!
I was talking about the map that I drew you :(


( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:53, Reply)

fuckin' hell,
that's a cartographic masterpiece!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:55, Reply)

And he still moaned about it.
He's so lame.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:55, Reply)

He is appallingly bad at navigation.
And he doesn't believe me when I tell him the correct way, even when I am holding the map and a phone with GPS on it.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:57, Reply)

He's got no excuse with that map.
I even used different fonts so he didn't get confused.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:58, Reply)

Kaol is equally as crap.

( thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:58, Reply)

I'm actually a very good navigator
And a good driver. The problem is when I try to do both at the same time...
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:59, Reply)

The problem is that you do try to do both at the same time.
It's a trust thing, isn't it. You just don't trust me!
*runs off crying*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:00, Reply)

I read that as "thrust".
FFS.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:02, Reply)

The bit near the cinema is a diagram of your penis at 1:1 scale
You just labeled the other blocks of colour on the diagram as really big buildings like cinema to make your manhood, if you can call it that, look less pathetic.
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:55, Reply)

How do you explain the people then?
You and your family?
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:57, Reply)

stray pubes

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:58, Reply)

Another trick to try and obfuscate the true scale

( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:58, Reply)

OH BOY ! ARE WE GOING TO SEE A PICTURE SHOW?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:09, Reply)

I hope you don't mind, but I work on fridays, saturdays and sundays.
I think a wensday will be best, because we can do Orange Wensdays. I like Butterkiss, but can't eat a whole bag, can we share?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:09, Reply)

They do something at Pizza Express now too.
We should so do that. Oh man, I can't wait !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:11, Reply)

I've got to see my aunty this wed, can she come?
It'll be her and her best friend, Shiela, Shiela doesn't like movies that have too many flashing lights, she gets headaches. She wasn't to sure about meeting people off the internet, but I convinced her you lot were cool.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:12, Reply)

I was disappointed by the size of my raise
But pleased with the number of DVDs I bought at the weekend.
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Yay to the raise!
Some is better than none, I guess.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:54, Reply)

Oh aye
But given how much I do that's not in my job description and the sort of salary they'd have to offer to get somebody suitably skilled to replace me I'm still pretty underpaid.

Apparently they're working on a new job specification though so I'm hoping that the raise I got was only taking into consideration the things my current job specification covers and that when they've finished this job specification I'll get another raise to reflect the extra things I do.
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:58, Reply)

I'd turn you down for a payrise.
Mostly because you're a horrible internet bully.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:02, Reply)

rrible internet bully
bbit
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:10, Reply)

Congratulations Wookiee
For you have just made me do one of those out loud laughs.
( wanderlust, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:12, Reply)

Hi Lusty!
How are you! When are you coming home?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:15, Reply)

Not soon enough
It was much more fun being groomed by Lusty than it is CHCB :(
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:16, Reply)

She was great at grooming
and she's got lovely boobs too.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:18, Reply)

is that cos I nag you to do important stuff,
y'know, like emails?

Do it!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Hai Al!
I'm good. Just having a cup of tea before heading to the slave labour camp.

I won't be home til the beginning of next year at least.
( wanderlust, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:17, Reply)

*sadfaces really hard*
I hope you're having a really good time over there to make up for the fact that we all miss you lots over here.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:18, Reply)

That almost sounded genuine.
Thanks al!

I am having fun, but I miss seeing people from the interwebs and no one calls me a cunt over here. Fucking Canadians are so pissing friendly sometimes it makes me want to vomit on them.
( wanderlust, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:21, Reply)

Kidnap one of them
And then bring them to a bash in London so that we can all get horrifically drunk and all vomit on them.
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:26, Reply)

Aw, V!
You're desperate to find someone else to take over, aren't you?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:28, Reply)

I've only been vomited on once and it was a long time ago

( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:29, Reply)

*happy dance*

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:15, Reply)

It won't

Life doesn't work like that and companies are shits
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:02, Reply)

It will else I'll quit
And they'd be fucked because almost all the VBA code I've written is pretty crudely hacked together due to time constraints and none of my work has technical or user documentation because of said constraints. In my notice period I wouldn't have time to create all that documentation and tidy up code. Whoever picked it up would be in a right pickle.

(This is why I'm pushing to use at least some python scripting in my work but I'm facing questions like "what's python?" from the most technically minded people here...)
( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:06, Reply)

Python = snake

snake = fangs

fangs = puncture wounds

puncture wounds = Kaol rape
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:17, Reply)

That sounds most unfun

( Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:18, Reply)

Imagine the film Crash merging with Anaconda

That will be your fate, if you don't stop all of this snake nonsense right now.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:20, Reply)

:|
Er... Ok...
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:57, Reply)

When he said 5'5
he meant overall height.
When he said "goes on forever", he meant talking.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:54, Reply)

hey
I recognise that place. the fountain is a shit pub btw. their 'local' brew is Fosters apparently...
( ascorbate, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:09, Reply)