an attempt at 'humor' from some Yanks
a friend of mine who is living in the States sent me this, as she was deeply saddened by it...

in replies as it's quite long.
( ascorbate, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:32, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

words fail me...
Hi Y'all

In case things get a little tough during the next few months we in
LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , & ARKANSAS have a plan.

Maybe you don't know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , &
ARKANSAS HAVE legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the
Texas/LOUISIANA-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

US TEXOKISIANSAS love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take
action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the
U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.

Here is what can happen:

1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United
States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas ,
LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS , & OKLAHOMA announces that it is going to secede from
the Union .

2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of
TEXOKISIANSAS . You might think that he doesn't talk too pretty, but we
haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the
effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to
roost.

So what does TEXOKISIANSAS have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space
industry.

2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United States .

3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess
with THE SOUTH," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of TEXOKISIANSAS
will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we
don't know. Why not ask Obama?

5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about
those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a
way to keep them warm...

6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips
and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell
Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD,
Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel,
Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research,
the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as
other large health centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter
citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, UNIVERSITY OF
OKLAHOMA , OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY , UL-LAFAYETTE, UL-MONORE, UNIVERSITY
OF ARKANSAS , LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY , ARKANSAS STATE UNIVERSITY .

9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't
restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in TEXOKISIANSAS, we are a Right to
Work State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just
go out and get the job done.. And if we don't like the way one company
operates, we get a job somewhere else.

10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance
industries, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOKISIANSAS National
Guard, the TEXOKISIANSAS Air National Guard, and several military bases. We
don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles
and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the
situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public
Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and
several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood
from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they
taste good. We don't need any food.

13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States , and THIRTY
TWO of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in
TEXISIANSAS. And TEXOKISIANSAS also has more land than California , New York
, New Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts , Maryland ,
Rhode Island , and Vermont combined.

14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are
located in TEXOKISIANSAS

15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You
see, nothing rusts in TEXOKISIANSAS so our vehicles stay beautiful and run
well for decades.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of
TEXIOKSIANSAS in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and
don't have.

Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President
Obama:

Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only
President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest
of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off
satellite communications.

You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr.
Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you
survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.

In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are out of luck!

Signed, The People of TEXOKISIANSAS

P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you
something to think about!

Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of TEXOKISIANSAS are on YOU!!
( ascorbate, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:33, Reply)

Humour you say?
erm. Ha...ha...? No, sorry...I've forgotten how to laugh.
(berk, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:47, Reply)

Sorry, kinda missing that one there.
People from South of the Dixie line should not attempt humour.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:57, Reply)

Of the many issues that I'm sure we all could point out with this I feel qualified to comment on:
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off
satellite communications.:

This right here should disqualify the poster on "Not knowing what the fuck they're talking about" grounds, Television satellite uplinking is done from many locations ("Teleports") across the US, see www.worldteleport.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=32 if you're interested in further details but below is a summary:

Arqiva:
Washington Teleport - Washington, Dictrict of Columbia, USA

Intelsat:
Intelsat Riverside - California, USA
Intelsat Clarksburg - Maryland, USA
Intelsat Mountainside - Hagarstown, Maryland, USA
Intelsat Atlanta - Georgia, USA
Intelsat Fillmore - California, USA
Intelsat Napa - California, USA
Intelsat Castle Rock - Denver, Colorado, USA
Intelsat Paumalu- Hawaii, USA

RRSat Global Communications Network, Ltd.:
Hawley Earth Station - Hawley, Pennsylvania, USA

SES:
Washington International Teleport, Alexandria, Virginia, USA
SES New Skies, Bristow, Virginia, USA
SES Americom Brewster, Washington (State), USA
SES Americom South Mountain, Los Angeles, California, USA
SES Americom Woodbine, Maryland, USA
SES Americom Vernon Valley, New Jersey, USA

Ooooh, look, NONE of those are in any of those four states!
(bill, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 12:27, Reply)

I shall send that to my friend
I think she'll revel in passing it on to her moronic colleagues! thanks!
( ascorbate, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Glad to be of assistance.

(bill, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 13:00, Reply)

And neither
Are any of the launch sites! Doh!
(Vainomoinen went looking for the Sampo on, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 13:35, Reply)

I'm sorry I did not read this this morning.
Just a few points,

What currency will be used. Let me see, I know, the Confederate Dollar. I think history tells us that it was worth about as much as used bog paper. I seem to recall that in the civil war, the North won because it had the man power, and all of the resources of the south didn't mean squat in the end. An assumption has been made that the borders between these two countries will be open for people to travel. Well, I think that the first thing the remainder of the union will do is build a fecking great fence around the independant bit. Doesn't leave the new state with many friends, does it.

I could carry on, but what is the point. You stupid, misguided people. The spirit of independance, hard work, and a host of other virtues that made your country the envy of the world, is being destroyed by a few thick people who need taking out back and given a bullet in the back of the neck. Why don't you quizz anyone who makes a daft statement, and think about their answer. Ask what are you in this for, what are you personnaly going to gain? Why don't you stand on an independant ticket in an election? Above all laugh at them, a lot, and see how they react. Anyone who gets upset, laugh some more.

Apologies for carrying on, you really don't deserve the country you inhabit, I wish we had won the first civil war.

Can we have it back please. Best out of three.

And relax.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 18:15, Reply)

So full of crap I could smell it
For a start I'm pretty certain they no longer have the right to secede. But the bit I liked best was the "if I don't like the company I'll just get another job."
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 10:25, Reply)

yes
the rampant anti-union feeling in the south is quite disgusting. 'why should our workers have rights? fuck them, we just want to make money! If they have a problem, they can fuck off, plenty more where they come from!'. It's an almost Ryanair attitude to staff.
( ascorbate, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 10:36, Reply)

And without unions
I'll bet that top-class health care he's so proud of will prove hard to come by.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 11:10, Reply)

That's how america will fail,

(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 10:30, Reply)

what a load if bollocks
I don't even need to read it to be able to tell
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 10:34, Reply)

I feel sorry for the nice and sensible merkins when people like this try to be funny and or clever.
I think we should get all the good merkins over here to live with us and let the right-wing psuedo christian knob heads to rot in their own vile holier-than-thou juices over in America.

It might be a bit cramped but at least we'll make new friends : )
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 13:10, Reply)

It sounds like
someone had read that email that did the rounds over 8 years ago which went on about the UK taking back America as they can't seem to vote a leader. Someone probably saw it and thought "hey, I'm going to write something like that."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 23:16, Reply)